We have a couple of regular visitors to our home who regularly take more food than they are going to eat, and leave quite a bit of food on their plates. Not just scraps - probably enough for a small meal as leftovers. The one person eats very little, but puts a large amount on her plate - of which she eats less than half. The other person was over yesterday. He asked for seconds - which he put on his plate, and barely touched.
Do any of you have any insight as to why someone would do this? My wife and I are very much of the, “Take all that you want but eat all that you take” school of thought. And we really dislike wasting food.
We tend to eat the way we were brought up. “1 serving = 1 full plate” is pretty common, and your guest #1 may feel (perhaps even subconsciously) that not loading up would signal impoliteness.
I grew up in a home where dinner was almost always two smaller helpings rather than one bigger one, and to this day I tend to think of meal servings in that way. Guest #2 may similarly feel that refusing a second helping would be impolite.
If you don’t want to have a potentially uncomfortable talk about wasting food, you could buy some one-use takeaway containers and package up the uneaten leftovers for your guests on their way out.
One way to curb this behavior, assuming you want to do that, is to plate the food for them, asking them what they want and roughly how much they want, rather than letting them load up their plates and leave food uneaten. If they eat everything you simply offer them seconds on anything. They may load up on something that looks good and decide later it didn’t taste as good as they thought it would.
Of course, since these are your guests that might seem impolite not to let them personally choose how much food they get, whether they eat it or not. Over the years I’ve taught myself not to put more food on my plate than I am going to eat since it’s a waste to throw it away, but clearly, not everyone thinks the way I do.
That has always been me. When I finish eating you’d be hard pressed to tell if the plate has been used.
When my kids were little and I took them to a buffet type restaurant, I’d help them make their plates and then sit with them while they ate. If they couldn’t finish, I’d eat what was left on their plates.
Many people I know have food ‘tics’, me included, based on how they experienced food as a child. For example, because my mother, an ascetic personality, never would serve quite enough food at dinner; there was one moderate or small serving of each item, and maybe if you were lucky, an even smaller second helping. We all routinely ate snacks in our rooms after dinner. This gave us all a kind of unconscious sense of scarcity about food… I feel much safer if I pile more than enough on my plate so that I won’t go hungry fifty years ago, and it’s been an impossible habit to break. My husband had a different childhood, where the children couldn’t leave the table until they had finished every scrap they had been served, no matter if they loathed that food or not. To this day he feels uneasy if there is more food on his plate than he wants.
If you find your friends’ foibles disturbing, you could, as suggested, move to a more formal serving arrangement where the head of the table serves everyone.
Thanks for the insight, Ulfrieda. I’m not sure about “disturbing” - but we think we cook good tasting, good quality food, we enjoy leftovers, and we really detest waste. We usually they to hit a balance between making sure we have ENOUGH for everyone, while not cooking EXCESS.
The idea of plating is something we have never done. Trying to figure what it would really be like.
I think the woman and her husband waste a lot of food. Food goes bad in their crowded fridge/cabinets. They grossly overbuy/cook, and often ask us if we want to take home leftovers. I think she actually eats a pretty lousy diet - consumes to many calories in gin/wine - and puts food on her plate to sorta give the impression that she eats a more balanced diet.
The guy is my SIL. He is thin. His wife - my daughter - often says she is concerned about her weight (not grossly obese, but a little soft.). And the oldest of their 2 kids was/is a somewhat picky eater. So at their request, we don’t do such things as push food or demand that they clear their plates. Yesterday just struck us as weird, as he took a 2d helping of meat, which he left on his plate. (Just this morning my wife and I ate what he left on his plate as part of our leftovers! YUM!)
I had an upbringing a little like @Ulfreida 's. But mainly because we were poor. I can still remember when I went to a cafeteria style restaurant when I was about 10. I went crazy taking food. I did feel guilty afterwards. But it was a vacation trip to visit my mom’s family in Ohio., and one of my uncles was paying. It contributed to my going hog (pardon the phase) wild.
I’d be careful about this, at least without spending some time considering what you’re trying to accomplish. Will you serve variable portions depending on your perception of how much each person can or will eat? Will you refuse to serve seconds to SIL when he asks?
A lot of our rules about dining etiquette were created to emphasis class divide, patriarchy, and guest/host obligations. Moving to a more formalized system because you want to regulate how your guests are eating is - potentially - a recipe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
This is great, because it tells us you’ve already had conversations about this sort of thing. It shouldn’t be a big deal to just have an open conversation about wasting food.
People really need to get out of this mindset. This “You must finish your plate!!” crap is why this country is so obese. The food will be “wasted” either way if you throw it out or if they eat it when they are already full.
You guys ate this person’s leftovers that were on their plate after they were done eating? That’s disgusting.
The OP said it was an untouched second helping. It’s not like they were picking the meat off of a pile of finished chicken wings. No reason to be rude.
@Dinsdale, given that they’re your immediate family, this does seem like an easy conversation to have. I might not have it with friends, but with family, I might say, “Hey, whatever’s left over we’ll eat for dinner tomorrow, so we’re trying to get small servings and go for secons rather than loading up our plates; will that work for y’all?”
I kind of use a hybrid approach to plating and homestyle serving. It’s worked well for guests with varying backgrounds of “finish your plate.”
For the protein (most expensive, usually) food item, I plate for them, sauced if appropriate, a moderate helping. I make it clear that seconds are available to thems that want 'em. For the side dishes such as veg, salad, carbohydrate, that’s already on the table for them to serve themselves.
I always offer “doggie” containers and usually foist off send home the entire leftover dessert with someone.
It may not solve all your problems, but it will give you some control over waste. At least the doggie containers will let you maintain the illusion that the food didn’t go to waste.
I didn’t, exactly, but it amounted to kind of the same thing. My parents didn’t really under-supply us, but they also didn’t lavish us with excess and meals were overwhelmingly informal, ‘there’s food on the stove’, help-yourself affairs. Since I was one of three boys all within two years of age (step-brothers), it was very much who eats the fastest, gets the most. Piling your plate high was precautionary against seconds just not being there.
I still haven’t completely broken my tendency to overload at buffets and the like, but I have gotten a little better. Y’know, after multiple decades. But yeah, those childhood patterns can be hard habits to break.
I dunno - why oughtn’t people (fat or thin) just not load up their plates with food they aren’t going to eat? Hell, I got no problem with someone taking 3 or 4 servings if they want. Or if you don’t know you are going to like something, take a small first serving.
And yeah - I’d much rather not eat food from someone else’s plate. But this was a sizable slice of delicious pork roast that was not touched by anything other than his fork - so we made a decision.
We’ve had similar situations where someone makes up a hamburger, and only eats a bite or 2. I really wish they would cut a patty/bun in half…
One thing I’ve learned from my experience with adult children and in-laws, is that there is no clear indication of what will/will not be an “easy” discussion! This SIL is not the most warm and open guy. As of late, we’ve been having pretty good relations with their family. Not eager to go out of my way to bring up a subject that MIGHT cause hurt feelings or something.
There’s no virtue in finishing food that you don’t enjoy and don’t need, as opposed to throwing it away. It’s no less wasteful to shovel it into your belly than to shovel it into the trash can. That’s something I have to occasionally remind myself of.
On the other hand, there absolutely is a virtue to not taking more than you’re going to eat. “Take all that you want” means don’t take what you don’t want and won’t eat. Putting a large amount on your plate and then eating very little of it is wasting food—especially if you’re so opposed to eating the leftovers from someone else’s plate.
I’m of the firm belief that the number one rule of hosting is to make sure guests are comfortable and happy. As a host, you prepare and serve them food. Once it’s on their plate, it essentially belongs to them, the same as if you’d given them a gift–which, in a way, you have. If they don’t finish it, that’s their prerogative. Your moral stance on not wasting food shouldn’t enter the picture any more than it would if you’d given them a gift they never use.
If you must do something, this may be your best bet. Or compost it. Or learn to relax your anti-waste stance where guests are concerned, though I’m sure that’s easier said than done.
Do they come from a big family? I’ve heard lots of stories from people with a lot of siblings that was basically, “If you didn’t grab what you want, someone else is going to take it.”
It’s probably not what was going on here, but in some cultures the host is essentially expected to provided their guests with more food than they can eat. If the guests have eaten everything on their plates, that’s taken as a sign that they need more food, and host is expected to serve them more. The host only stops serving the guests when they reach the point where they can’t finish the food on their plates. In those cultures one would be considered a bad host if you let your guests leave the table with an empty plate. (The idea, IIRC, is that the host is supposed to be “generous” by giving their guests extra food).
I assume you know that many people are taught that it is impolite to eat everything on the plate. However, that does not mean it’s cool to demand two servings and hardly touch any of it.
