Legitimate Position, or Just Envious?

In My Humble Opinion
21

hobscrk77 – Yes, you’re jealous, but I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Remember that the one thing about looks is that (with very rare exceptions) they don’t last. There will come a time when people no longer comment about your sister’s looks, and maybe then they’ll be paying more attention to your accomplishments.

My own story: My sister and I are both the smart one, which lead to a lot of competition in our relationship. Then I chose to go to a very well-known, highly respected university, while she went to a exceptionally good college that is not as well known. Whenever we met new people, they would invariably gush all over me and my school, sometimes not even bothering to ask my sister where went to school. She hated it, and would complain bitterly that nobody cared about her while I got all the attention.

Fast forward 10 years. My sister became a doctor, while I struggled through a series of administrative jobs. Suddenly when we met new people, all they cared about was the doctor. Typical conversation:

“Hi, I’m SpoilerVirgin”
“Are you the doctor?”
“No, I’m --”
“Oh” (turns to talk to someone else)

So hang in there – eventually you may have the last word, as my sister did. If all else fails, become a doctor. Trust me, they’ll forget all about her. :wink:

22

I think you also may not be seeing the whole picture. While I know I hear plenty from my family about what good shape my brother is in and how he devotes so much time to looking nice and building muscle I know he hears about how I am so responsible and financially independent. For every, “Wow, your brother would never eat* that*!” comment I get I know he hears, “You know, your sister would never expect us to pay for that!”

23

I agree with the others - you’re jealous, but it’s understandable.

Just remember that they’re not only commenting on your sister’s looks, but on the effort she’s put into them - glamourous is about make-up, clothing and jewellery, not bone structure and complexion. So they have something (the visible effort) in front of them that is asking for praise, and they give it.

It’d be weird if they then turned to you and congratulated you on your sensible pension plans.

You want her fingers? :eek: Is this in line with Skammer’s suggestion?

24

How is *your *relationship with your sister? I ask because I was always “the smart one” and my brother “marched to the beat of his own drummer”, which was code for “the dumb one”, and it pissed me off no end. My brother is damn smart, just not in the stereotypical nerd ways like me, so people didn’t see it. So, depending on your relationship with her, she may be cringing at the compliments as well.

If you really want to be complimented on something visual, develop your own signature style. Even if someone is average looking, unique fashion will draw attention.

25

Said the pornographess.

26

It’s the nature of siblings to have rivalries. If you and your sister were identical twins with the same hair, clothes and makeup, the two of you would be in competition over which one popped out of your mother’s womb 60 seconds before the other one.

Relax, and remember, when you’re old and rich, she’ll be old and poor AND mourning her lost looks.

27

Excellent idea!

Oh, Z-Snaps!

So anyhow, what everyone else said. No one can see her or your retirement savings, so how is someone you both meet supposed to compliment you on that type of thing? I also want to point out that her beauty isn’t even necessarily valued higher than your retirement savings or academic achievements; it’s just immediately recognizable. Of course some people value good looks above all else, but most people see intelligence and level-headedness as good things, but these are traits no one is capable of remarking on right away. I’m sure if you’re like everyone else, once people get to learn good things about you that aren’t visible to the world, you are complimented on them.

28

I think it’s both. And it’s okay to feel envious.

Most, if not many, Dopers know I have a twin who’s also a Doper. Growing up, she was always the pretty one. Despite the fact that for most of our lives, we looked damn-near identical. Like, we could play the whole switch-a-roo thing in school and the teachers wouldn’t know. Yet she was the pretty one! I think it was all in the smile. I couldn’t do it “right”, while she was a natural. She was also the smart one because she was more confident and well-spoken. While I was the goofy, crazy, “retarded” one. Totally irrational (well, maybe not the “goofy” or the “crazy”…let’s be honest here); I made better grades than she did, and tended to do better on standardized tests. But noooo! I was not only the ugly one but I was the dumb one too! And people would mistake me for being a year younger than she was because I was shorter. Talk about giving me a complex!

I hated always being the bad one in all possible dichotomies. I didn’t care about looks, and I knew I was smart (or at least, just as smart), but it didn’t matter. Until we went our separate ways, we were going to be compared and that was that. Life sucked back then.

And then we did go our separate ways, both of us leaving our home town. She developed her own personality and interests, and so did I. As we matured, people began to see us as individuals, with our own merits. Instead of being the crazy retard, people (who’d never met my sister) acknowledged me for my good humor and quirkiness and off-the-wall intelligence (like, I betcha don’t know what the state tree of Colorado is! Ha! I totally pwn you!!) And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve cultivated my own sense of style and beauty. Now when I go home to family, they can see it too. My outfits and hairdos get tons of praise, whereas before I might as well have been invisible.

Meanwhile people started seeing my sister for more than just the “fluff” stuff. For instance, she’s a great performer. She was the lead actress and director in all the plays that her vet school put together (yeah, I don’t get why vet students would be putting on plays either. They should be studying about dogs and cats, not doing bootleg versions of “The Wiz”). Folks at home started appreciating her hard work and ambition, as well as her good looks and intelligence.

In other words, we both became three-dimensional. She’s no longer the “good” twin, and I’m no longer the “bad” twin. We’re just individuals. Yeah, we both hate that there’s still a two-inch height difference between us (she feels like an Amazon and I feel like a dwarf next to her) and like children, we play battle of the doctorates (a Ph.D is far superior to a DVM, because I am a DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY!!!) But we now recognize that we’re both beautiful and intelligent and likeable, in equal measure. Fuck everyone who doesn’t agree!

I say give it time. When you hit your late 20s, early 30s, your sister won’t be as hawt anymore and you’ll probably get more head-turns too, while your intelligence will become even more impressive as you take on the world. And to your sister’s credit, she’ll probably garner attention in another, less superficial way. It will all even out in the end. Maybe not tangibly (my sister and I aren’t tangibly equal), but it will feel that way.

29

Praise of beauty is biologically-driven. It’s never, ever going away. (well, unless you’re such a smarty-pants scientist that you can figure out how to fundamentally alter the human genome to make it so :p)

30

Meaning what? I’m not saying I don’t understand why appearance is important - I understand exactly why it’s important in the only context that, to my mind, actually matters: sex.

Even porn performers don’t generally make their entire lives about sex.

Yet the world is filled with people, both sexes, but mostly women, who have very few thoughts, concerns or interests beyond things which somehow relate to their appearance: makeup, hair, fashion, diet, etc. From the tidbits I’ve seen on other shows, the people in that show “Jersey Shore” are perfect examples.

It’s completely confounding to me. I would die of boredom inside of 24 hours.

31

I disagree! So, my place or yours?

32

People have been admiring good looks and complaining about ‘kids today’ as long as there has been either, and the world keeps muddling along, so, no, I don’t think you position is quite legitimate.

But what would you be envious of, the attention or the looks?
The attention obviously isn’t worth much, being based on such a shallow criterion, and you have your own looks, which are not too shabby (though you might want to take your sister shopping with you next time … )

My point is that your sister is probably as smart as you are ‘pretty’. But constantly praising her looks is insulting to you both - she is being valued only for her looks and your more useful talents are being devalued because they’re not wrapped in as pretty as package. Bah.

The people are being rude and shallow and insidiously destructive AND there is no way you can call them on it without sounding petty and jealous …

Actually, there is. Next time it happens, you can snap, ‘She has a brain, you know!’

(And maybe you should spend a little money on a style consultant, just to counteract all the comments in your own head; just don’t try to look better than your sister - that would be poaching.)

Ah, I see I am not the first …

33

How far into your twenties are you?

I ask because when I was in my early twenties, my brother and cousins and I were all sort of on the same footing. No one really had a chance to fuck up our lives yet and not much was really expected of anyone.

I’m pretty fat and gross, and my brother is handsome and gregarious. My only two girl cousins are knockout blondes. My two boy cousins are just average-lookin’ guys. I’m sure my grandparents have tsk’d their tongues out because I’m a fatass.

But now that we’re in our late 20s/early 30s, I pretty much lead the pack in awesomeness amongst my family. I got the college degree, I have the good job, I manage my loads of money. The hot cousins are a hot mess. My brother - who is still at least admired by the grandparents because they don’t know how he’s shit with money - gets the same sort of remarks that pbbth’s brother gets, at least from my parents.

Now, my fucked up cousins didn’t become fucked up because of their looks. They coulda possibly been awesome education-, career- and money-wise. But they didn’t, and now that their issues are real adult issues, the smart adult with no issues win. There is no shortage of tsk-ing about everyone else in the family, and no shortage of praise for me.