My sister and I are both in our twenties. While I wouldn’t call myself unattractive, I am definitely the “brains” of the family, and she’s undoubtedly the “beauty” of the family. Plus, like most girls her age, she puts hours into her appearance.
Whenever we get together, without fail people in my parents’ generation and older comment on how glamorous and attractive she is. Always. They say nothing of saving for retirement. Or doing well in school. Or learning new things. It’s just, “oh, she’s so glamorous.”
Every time this happens, I get slightly more exasperated than the last. In her defense, it is possible to make a substantial career off of nothing more than your looks. But from my perspective, everywhere we go people make these kinds of superficial comments and subsequently go on to complain about how kids these days aren’t applying themselves in school, we don’t have enough scientists/engineers/doctors/etc. Well maybe if your praise was more in line with your rhetoric we wouldn’t have these problems! Ever think of that!? Huh!?! Even once??
Probably not. It’s just so easy to remark upon what is obvious at a glance. Of course we’d hope that they would go on to converse about your (plural) more esteemed qualities, but as you know that often doesn’t get done. It’s a shame because the overemphasis on looks can have pervasive and lasting effects.
My wife’s mom and aunt were also labeled “the pretty one and the smart one” – and doggone it, they are both pretty and both smart. I think, though, that some of their ongoing sibling interaction is rooted in those labels from decades ago.
You may be plenty attractive on your own but people that spend lots of time on their appearance often get compliments about it because people pick up on it and it is easy to comment on.
You say you are the smart one though so let me put this in terms you can relate to. If you draw a graph with two lines going across the page, you definitely have the better end of the deal. For females, the physical attractiveness line climbs rapidly in the late teens until the late twenties or early thirties and then starts to drop like a rock. It’s true and I can give you cites for it. If that is the best asset that a female has, the peak period for that is very short in terms of of lifespan although true style never goes out.
Brains and financial savvy are the opposite. That line just goes up over time and there is no upper limit. Getting a good education, saving for retirement early on and establishing a good career are some of the smartest things you can do to secure your future.
You didn’t give you exact ages, but I can make up a graph with those two lines with each of your names on it and your overall value plotted over time if you tell me. I can even use her favorite colors and fonts and you can give it to her as a visual reference. That’s what siblings are for. Maybe I should make one for my brothers too.
I think maybe you’d be happier if you spent less time focusing on how people were relating to your sister.
Besides, it is true that aging is hardest on glamourous women - if her only sense of self-worth comes from her looks, she’ll have a hard time when they go. It’s a good idea to have more going on in your life than just your looks.
That makes absolutely no sense with anything she said. There is no comment about being pretty being in any way a good thing–in fact, the opposite.
And, no, there’s nothing wrong with noticing that people tend complain about things when they have no interest in trying to help out. There is something wrong with letting yourself get upset about giving compliments to your sister, though. All you can control is how you treat her, not how others do.
You already indicate that, while you would also like to receive compliments, you do not want to receive them for how you look. You don’t want to be that vain. So you have to accept that your rewards are long term, while hers are merely short term.
First of all saying she is attractive is not taking anything away from you. Unless they also said, “Too bad you’re not”
It’s possible to get by on your looks IF you’re really attractive. And you better be really good looking to pull it off.
People comment on what is obvious. You’re not going to go to Yellowstone National Park and complain about the lack of skyscrapers, nor do you go to Manhattan and miss deer and antelope playing on the plains.
Being attractive makes it easier to get a foot in the door, but if you don’t perform well, you’re soon gonna find the foot on your butt, kicking you back out the door.
It is sad, but true, studies have shown that good looking people are the first to be hired, or at least considered for a job - no matter what the job is.
Granted, you need to have the skills, but assuming two equally talented women are up for the same job as a lawyer, or intern or whatever - the better looking one has the advantage.
Be honest - if you were the president of some corporation and needed a personal assistant - and assuming both candidates have the same skills - are you going to take a bald, older guy who is overweight with bad teeth, or the drop dead gorgeous hunk who will make heads turn when they come to your office?
I worked for a major Hollywood film studio - they would send temps to be assistants for the department heads. Guess who were the first to be offered full time positions? The gorgeous bodies (male and female) who could at least type and handle the job.
(If they were pretty but stupid, they didn’t get the job - department heads might like status assistants who look pretty, but they are not ready to lose their job because of some idiot making a mistake.)
I can’t tell you how many really good temps were sent packing, simply because they didn’t fit the body image. A stroll down the corridors of any major film studio, checking out the personal assistants, is very enlightening - it’s like walking through a modeling agency.
I mean, is your sister honest to god sitting around all day doing nothing but painting her nails and applying mud masks?
Look, I see that it must be frustrating when people value her genetic accident more than your genetic accident, but really… are you claiming that your sister is some sort of shiny cipher distracting people from your oh-so-deep awesomeness?
You’re taking this way too personally, and vilifying your sister, which is fucked up. People comment on her prettiness because it’s right there in front of them, unlike your retirement account. I suppose you could start carrying your quarterly statements with you, but people probably won’t like you any better for it.
Yeah, I understand it bugs you (and with good reason), but it’s not really your sister’s fault and it’s not going to change. With those facts in hand all you can really do is get over it, and the sooner the better.
I’d say you are envious, but also that it’s normal.
When something is obvious, such as looks, people comment on it. It interests them because it’s right there. They might even comment because they are a little envious, too.
You probably have the better end of this deal. Maybe she wants some recognition for any other achievements of hers, and all she gets is comments about her looks.
As an aside, I don’t think it’s a good idea to always be telling someone they are good-looking, particularly children. They have to learn the value in intelligence, kindness, etc too - so if I had kids I might tell them they are pretty or handsome, and I’d also tell them they are clever and kind and funny just so as to reinforce the idea that those are important.
You’re envious. First of all, as has been said, beauty is visible and your bank account is not. I’ve never seen a woman walking down the street and thought “Wow, she has some HUGE 401ks, amiriteguys?”
But secondly, attractiveness makes the whole room smile. It makes a social gathering better for the people around her. Your intelligence only benefits you. It makes you money, not them. So it makes sense that other people are entirely uninterested in your brains unless you’re helping them with a mental task or something.
Why let that bother you? Why do you desire their praise in the first place? Take pride in the fact that you’re getting yourself ahead and quit worrying about what other people think of that.
The subtext, BigT, of the OP is that the OP’s relations and friends should not compliment her sister on her admitted good looks, but rather laud the OP’s prodigious smarts. And she asserts that their failure to do so is a hypocrisy on their part.
That, of course, is one possible explanation. But there is another possible explanation as to why the OP might not receive such compliments. Since we all agree about how great is to be such a big brain (well, you all agree—your own Kimmy_Gibbler isn’t quite so sure), I shan’t insult your intelligence by revealing what that might be.
You are just jealous, it’s not unreasonable, but it’s something you might as well get used to now.
I’ve learned this embarrassingly late in life, but the difference between being good-looking and average is very real, and will make a difference in life. But it doesn’t have to be everything- someone with a big personality or other assets can get the same thing even with average looks. Even simply looking like you spend some time on looks can get you a lot of the same benefits.
Is it fair? No. But it’s not quite fair that you are smart, either.
You’re jealous. It’s natural. They’re kind of being obnoxious – especially if you’ve got younger siblings or relatives around who are already getting the message that they should devote their time and energy to looks rather than smarts – but there you go. Just try to tune it out and not come off as bitter. Chances are your sister has gotten (or will get) a ‘Why can’t you be like your sister?’ talk next time she maxes out her credit card, can’t find a job, whatever.
The longer I live the more dismayed I am to see that looks are more important than ever before and that a freakish number of people seem capable of designing their entire lives around appearance.
Some helpful replies in here. I suppose I must be honest with myself and admit that I’m a bit jealous. Some people took my OP a little too far - this isn’t something that keeps me awake at night, and I’m not secretly plotting my sister’s downfall because of it.
