It’d be bloody hilarious, except it’s kids being blackmailed.
Long story short, my grandkids lost a bit of interest in Lego last year, and as we were moving interstate, my daughter asked the kids’ dad if he’d look after (about two large suitcases full of) Lego until the boys regained an interest. Which they have now done.
Of course, being 2020 and Covid, the kids haven’t been able to see their dad because of border lockdowns yada yada. And he is PISSED about that, and the fact the older boy (11) has no interest in even speaking to his dad on the phone.
Upon asking him to weigh the stuff so we can get it couriered up here (app 3000km, give or take) he flat out said NO. NOT UNTIL HE CAN SEE THE BOYS AGAIN. No Lego for YOU! Asked him again, and again…same outcome.
Now in my book, that’s bloody blackmail. My daughter spent thousands of dollars on the infernal blocks over the course of a few years, and apart from basically being theft, it’s also fucking cruel to the kids. It’s THEIR stuff, not his. It’s not like she’s even asking for him to pay for the courier…we’re more than happy to do that, we just need him to weigh the freakin’ stuff.
I was gonna put this in the Pit, but really looking for some advice on the way.
But how pathetic can a fellow be to take some Lego blocks hostage as a way of ‘forcing’ the kids to see him…which they CAN’T ANYWAY BECAUSE COVID.
We can postulate all we want but the only thing that will matter and is enforceable is the legal custody agreement. Their mom should consult her attorney for advice and action.
Sick excuse for a parent he is, withholding important things from his kids to spite their mom or to force them to visit him. Kinda explains why they might not want to talk to him on the phone, hunh?
A real parent would realize, dang! because of Covid my boys need those Legos more than ever to have wholesome, creative activities to engage in while they have to limit social activities and sports.
I would sure let those kids know why they don’t have their Legos, in honest details. In the long run it may be cheaper and easier to just replace the Legos than to do battles requiring lawyers and court orders.
Have her lawyer review the custody agreement or parenting plan, if their state requires one. Then take whatever legal steps necessary or buy new Legos. Buying new Legos, and I know full well how expensive that would be, trust me, I have two geek/nerd sons, would have the appeal of cutting the dad off at the knees when he tries to finally win favor with them by sending them and then the boys can just shrug and say ‘never mind, Mom (or grandpa) got us all new ones. Bye. Click.’
I agree about contacting an attorney. And here’s a thought, though not a very nice or mature one: maybe the kids say they’re not going to speak with him on the phone until they get their Legos back. I know the older one isn’t speaking to him now, but he could say he’d do so once he gets the Legos. Then, of course, if and when the Legos arrive, the older boy would need to talk to the dad, if only to say, “I can’t believe you were that childish, Dad.”
I can’t help hoping a few Legos will escape the suitcases and end up on the carpet, where the dad will inadvertently step on them in his bare feet. My son had a jillion Legos. My feet were frequently imperiled.
A few clarifying details: we’re in Australia where having a personal ‘attorney’ isn’t really the norm (unless you’re a career criminal of course)
There’s no parenting agreement in place. My daughter has sole custody, no contest from the Dad, in fact the dad has to this day refused to sign the younger child’s birth certificate (despite a DNA test taken which proves his paternity).
The kids last visited their dad in Dec/Jan this year during our summer hols. At that point, the borders were still open, but Victoria has been in a hard lockdown for many months, only slowly opening now. Still, travel between Qld (where we live) and Vic is EXTREMELY PROBLEMATIC to say the least. I don’t think rescuing a couple of suitcases of Lego would count as ‘compassionate grounds’ to be honest.
We just had a family conference, and apart from the older kid demanding we ‘call the cops’ every few minutes because ‘dad is blackmailing us!!’, the consensus is that we cease contact with the dad at least until we can get further advice re the best way to get him to lay the hell off the emotional manipulation and the stress he is putting on the mum and the kids.
Dad needs to understand that visits - holiday or otherwise - are not going to resume after covid restrictions if he continues to act like an entitled prick.
If the kids’ object lesson about their old man is at the cost of some LEGO it’s probably a bargain on balance. The sooner they learn to recognize and avoid emotional blackmail, the better off they’ll be.
PS: The “thousands of dollars” value of those LEGO is based on getting them in sets - an equivalent amount of random loose bricks from eBay will be much, much cheaper. They can be replaced.
Try this site. Since you’re in Australia, your government seems to want to offer free resources to help with just this sort of issue.
tps://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/
Wish we had something like this in the States.
He’s being a huge jerk, he’s not going to become less of a jerk, no matter what you do. I mean, what kind of father refuses to accept paternity (not signing birth certificate) and then holds beloved toys hostage to force children to be around his painful jerkiness? There’s nothing good for them in his presence and he’s proving that every chance he gets. All you can hope for is to get your kids what they need and then reduce his chances to do further damage.
The eBay LEGOs are a good way out of this if you can pull the $$$ together. Even if you could eventually get the LEGOs from him it will be ugly, a very hard battle with the scars to prove it, expensive one way or another and would keep those boys without their toys for what will be a very long duration (trust me, I’ve been around a long time. Used to be a paralegal in a family law office). In a week from ordering on eBay those boys could have some LEGOs and in all your heads you can say “piss off, Dad (ex)(ex-soon-in-law), don’t need you, don’t want you, you have nothing to offer”.
Of course, we’ll all still be here, and happy to listen and toss ideas back and forth. Regular font of listening and learning we are.
We have lots of websites in the US (freecycle, nextdoor, buynothing, offerup, etc) where people post things they want, and other people will give them their outgrown stuff. Replace the legos. It’s not worth playing dad’s game.
Just going by what the OP says - the dad won’t send the blocks because he can’t visit with the kids, but that’s not possible, so the kids are without the blocks.
You’re right though, it’s true that in number of cases one parent will poison the kids against the other parent out of spite or hate. I’m just assuming the OP is telling the truth without going into all the gory details.
I know because I live with my daughter, I hear the conversations he has on the phone with the younger kid, and I get to read the text messages he sends.
Sure, he wants to talk to the kids, I get that. The younger boy was happy to talk to dad, the older boy refuses point blank and has anxiety issues when questioned as to WHY he doesn’t want to talk to dad.
But pushing the issue, with the added ‘emotional blackmail’ shit about refusing to send on the Lego is just making things worse. It’s not an ‘adult’ response to a really tricky situation. My daughter has tried many times to smooth things over, she’s now sought psych counselling for the older lad…he is just making it MORE difficult with this new ‘strategy’ of holding the Lego hostage.
And actually, it’s not about the Lego anymore…sure, I can afford to replace it, that’s not the issue now. It’s the weird way that Daddy is prepared to play such games with the kids without regard for their mental well-being. Younger boy is now very, very angry with dad (dad told him point blank that there was no way he’d be getting the Lego back, oh, and birthday presents too, they’re not forthcoming until he sees them again either!! Been six months since younger kid’s birthday, not a boo…) and the older boy just kept saying, “Can we call the cops? He STOLE our stuff!!”.
So yeah, I’m pretty confident that Dad’s a dick, full stop. It’s not like there’s any travel between Qld and Vic anyway…so there ain’t gonna be any meetups in the foreseeable future. Still doesn’t excuse his behaviour, no matter how much he wants contact with the kids.
