Leprechauns Are Stealing My Mail

The BBQ Pit
1

I got this in the mail today. Look closely, and you’ll see what looks like some scuffing on the letter, near the area where it says DO NOT FOLD. I guess I’m supposed to think there may be a credit card in there, because I can see where the raised areas of the card caused the envelope to be worn by the automatic sorters and what not it passed through on its journey through the postal system.

Only that’s not what it is. Those scuff marks are printed on there. My how devious. You really had me going there. I’ll bet most people open the letter immediately and then are astonished to find out that ARGH! Leprechauns have absconded my credit card!

And the fact that there is no card in there makes the DO NOT FOLD ridiculous as well. Not that DO NOT FOLD is ever something that makes sense on a piece of mail. Just crease, crumple, cram. You’ll do fine. Right, Postal Worker Newman?

The happy little NOTICE TO RECIPIENT demanding that I fight all urges to toss this right in the trash with the pizza box, orange rind, used condoms, and burnt out light bulb is a nice touch too.

Yes, these are all very nice touches. Well thought out. I’d like to congratulate the marketing department and its team of college graduates that no doubt put in long hours dreaming this up. My only question to them would be, and pardon me if I’m missing the obvious here, but what the hell is the freaking point? I have to assume these little decorations are to convince someone who may be otherwise inclined to send this letter to the landfill unopened to actually open the letter and see the wondrous credit offer inside. At which point they will begin what undoubtedly will be a long-term relationship with the fine people at Bank of America. A relationship based on the same mutual trust, respect, and gratuitous financial rape that characterizes most other credit agreements. Indeed, the same respect that no doubt is behind this clever little ruse so lightheartedly perpetrated. Ha HA, Bank of America! Well played!

But if I’m someone who is interested in their life-changing credit card offer, wouldn’t I open the envelope if it simply said “Credit Offer” on the front? And if I’m someone who is not interested in their offer to free me of my soul, then what is the point of trying to fool me into opening the letter just to make sure there’s not a card in there that I need to cut up?

So. Again. What’s the freaking point? Are you all just bored there at Bank of America? Have you forgotten your own stupid slogan (Bank of America - Higher Standards)? Is there a hotline I can call to report the theft of the credit card you sent me? Because, DAMMIT, I CAN SEE THERE WAS A CARD IN HERE! THOSE GREMLINS, THOSE GNOMES, THOSE GODFORSAKEN PIXIES WITH THEIR TINY LITTLE FINGERS AND THEIR COMPLICATED SHOES HAVE BEEN SCREWING WITH MY MAIL AGAIN!

2

When I went out this morning, I saw that the paper was near the mailbox. Since I was exiting the the other end of the (loop) road, I didn’t stop and get it. When I got home, it was gone. I suspect ass monkeys.

3

Phase 1: Steal Mail

Phase 2:…

Phase 3: Profit

4

As my daughter said (at age five no less)

5

It’s times like these I wish I used sigs.

6

Och, ye little bastards! Always after me Lucky Charms!

7

I heard that if you leave out a saucer with some beer in it, they will be attracted to it and will drown.

Or is that snails?

8

No, that’s slugs. :smiley:

That’s the Underpants Gnomes, not leprechauns. :wink:

9

You might want to keep your eye on that one.

10

Huh. A friend of mine got a credit card offer complete with card from a bank in an envelope marked “Do Not Fold”, and the envelope was 12"x12" and wouldn’t go through a mailslot without folding. So the postman left it at her condominium door, nice and visible to passing strangers, and attention-getting for the addressee.

Geeze what cheeze.

11

I got that exact same thing yesterday. I thought it was my new card. Fuckers.

There needs to be a do not mail list since I throw all that shit away. This is just as bad as the ones I was getting for awhile that looked like they came from a federal agency, and since I work for the feds I thought it was for work.

I wish the leprechauns would steal my mail.

12

There IS a do not mail list, Edward.

And here’s some help.

Mind you, if won’t work if the people mailing you are unscrupulous. But it should significantly reduce the amount of mail you receive over time.

13

I sometimes wish those makers of junk mail could see me blissfully ripping up unopened envelopes as I walk up the driveway from my mailbox and then tossing it right into the trash can sitting right out side my garage door. The shit never makes it indoors. I get some kind of feeling of revenge when I rip stuff into tiny shreds and toss it in the trash. HAH! Take that you junk mail fiend! HAH!

14

Aliens abduct my Sunday paper and bring it back after probing the comics. Seriously. The comics are in a sealed plastic bag and if I don’t get out there promptly the whole thing dissappears for hours eventually to return, comics bag ripped open and the paper slightly rifled through.

15

**Always blaming the little people.

Scream as you may! Scream as you might! If you try to escape, you’ll be dead on this night. **

16

Phase 2: Fill out and send in the “pre-approved” application and apply a balance transfer for your old, maxed out credit card… At least that’s what happened to me.

17

They’ve stepped it up a notch: New Mailings

18

Please tell me that is a joke.

Because if it’s not, I am going to have to get my beatin’ stick out of my trunk and take it over to Visa HQ.

19

:smiley: Exellent :smiley:

20

[Beavis and Butthead]Breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law’![/Beavis and Butthead]