This is a serious query, I’ll try to be delicate.
A lesbian couple, friends of mine, wishes to have a child. Not wanting to use the ‘turkey-baster’ method, they have ask me if I would be interested in fathering their child (they also have other candidates). I am flattered, but am afraid I would be setting myself up for child support should their marriage fail. Could a legal disclaimer absolve me of this possible eventuality?
And…
The one not getting pregnant favors the ‘man-on-top-get-it-over-with-quick’ method, while the mother-to-be would prefer her spouse to deliver the sperm via her mouth/straw. With this method ; 1. Would saliva kill the sperm? 2. Would sperm live long enough to impregnate? 3. Would any air that made its way in along with the sperm be dangerous to the woman recieving?
Thanks in advance
IIRC, it IS dangerous to blow air into a woman’s vagina… I remember reading somewhere that it was possible for air to get into the bloodstream and cause an embolism… but I can’t recall whether this was dangerous only to pregnant women or not.
Cecil on the subject:
A California man who donated sperm without the assistance of a doctor recently found himself forced to pay child support for the resulting child. If you want to donate sperm in this manner for a friend, but don’t want to risk having parental liability for it, you really should talk to a lawyer to find out the conditions under which the transfer needs to take place to prevent parental obligation. In California, this means having a doctor handle the transfer, along with the filling out of a form. Other states may be different.
not to mention the ripper fanny farts that would result! 
[list=1]
[li]Saliva would probably kill some sperm, decreasing the likelihood of pregnancy.[/li][li]The time difference probably wouldn’t matter. Sperm take up to 2 days to swim up to the egg.[/li][li]If she has the sperm injected into her uterus, this is very dangerous, as stated in previous posts.[/li][/list=1]
The “turkey-baster” method is probably best, as long as the semen is only deposited next to the cervix. (And what’s the difference between the turkey baster and the straw methods?) This is as far as men deposit their swimmers naturally.
I once saw a Discovery Channel show about the mechanisms of sex and getting pregnant. It showed that once the semen is deposited near the cervix, the woman’s orgasm causes the cervix to pucker and extend into the semen, “sucking” some fluid into the uterus. So the mother-to-be needs to have some stimulation, not just be the turkey to the other’s baster.
If they’re really serious, a doctor can perform an interuterine insemination (IUI) for a fee. (I think the one my wife and I had done was around $200.) That way, it’s more assured of causing a pregnancy and it’s easier to absolve yourself of parental responsibility.
To add another question of debate: how committed are these two friends? I’ve known lesbian couples that seem as in love as any hetero couple, only to break up within a couple of years, even if they had a “marriage”. And look at Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher. They’re breaking (broken?) up, and they have 2 kids. I know it’s easy for a man to say he could donate and forget, but since you’ll probably be seeing the child, I promise that you’ll feel fatherhood pangs. (You wouldn’t believe how in love I am with my baby daughter.) Even if they mix together your semen with others’ and do the turkey baster method, you’ll still wonder.
I wouldn’t do it simply because I think it’s immoral to purposefully bring a baby into this world knowing he/she won’t have a father. I believe every baby deserves a father…
Delivery systems aside, consult a lawyer before you even think of doing this, David Crosby. You most likely can be stuck with child support obligations in these circumstances. Also, a waiver of child support signed by Julie Cypher and Melissa Etheridge is not likely to be worth very much, since child support is for the benefit of the child. But state laws vary, and it’s entirely up to your jurisdiction. So talk to a lawyer immediately.
Then don’t do it.
There’s no earthly reason why a child brought up by two women would be worse off than one brought up by a man and a woman. And you’re right, this isn’t GD.
One more voice here advising you urgently to “talk to a lawyer” before you get out the turkey baster. Something like this can jump up and bite you on the kneecap 20 years down the road. Make sure you’re covered, legally. You can end up funding the college education or trip to Nepal or breast reduction surgery for a kid you’ve never even met.
Don’t use a straw–it will be very difficult, psychologically speaking, for her to avoid puffing into it. What’s wrong with the good old turkey baster?
And don’t try to insert things through the cervix into the uterus. That’s how girls die from back-alley abortions. The uterus is very soft and it’s difficult to tell when you’re poking a hole in it.
I, um, disagree with AWB on whether she needs to have an orgasm to get pregnant. Thousands of generations of homo sapiens females have gotten preggers without “climbing Eve’s mountain”.
I have nothing to add to this post except to point out the irony of a Doper named Warmgun being asked to donate sperm. Made me giggle.
Coldfire, if it belongs in GD (which it does) why still attach your opinion while it’s left in GQ? But as long as that’s ok: There are eartly reasons. There have been plenty studies that show that a child is better off with a caring father than without, which I hope would stand to reason. A caring second mother, now, would make up for some of the lack of a father, but would just not be able to fill all the roles. Especially if the child is male.
Couple of things.
First, IME (and yes, I have some; a friend of mine recently had a baby using home-grown artificial insemination and I was intimately involved with the process) this is likely going to take more than one try, especially if your friends are over 30. No straws: they’ll be sharp, could break, and as already mentioned could be dangerous. (I’ll join the queries of “how is a straw better than a turkey baster?”) A small sharp thing in the vagina can really hurt. I’d think seriously about calling a fertility center to ask for advice. Even if they can’t help you–although I’d ask–they might have some helpful advice. If nothing else, it couldn’t hurt for you and the other potential donors to get your counts tested to see who’s got the best shot at impregnating someone.
Don’t do anything without lawyer-approved paperwork defining your role in this child’s life. If you want visitation, then say so. If you want to donate sperm and then forget about it, then say so. But do not make the arrangements only on a verbal basis. If your friends are smart, they’ll be doing the same thing. Since they can’t legally marry (okay, I’m assuming that you’re in the U.S.) if they break up then the birth mom may be the only one with any legal claim to the child. They need to define custody and make lifetime arrangements before they get pregnant.
BTW, AWB, Melissa and Julie broke up after 12 years together. Not a lifetime, but not bad in comparison with far too many opposite-sex marriages. Marriage is like that: either you break up, or you die.
Hmmm…
Trust me on this one point. When children enter your world everything changes.
I don’t know your marital status or future plans but the odds are better than even that the person you are creating will have the strong inclination to look up and form an association with his or her bio-dad at some point in the future.
As much as your friends would like you to think this is a “panda night stand” (ie eats, shoots and leaves) you are creating a human being. One who is quite likely to want to look you up and and be brimming to the rim with “issues” and unanswered questions that a copy of “Heather Has Two Mommies” doesn’t quite satisfy. If you think any adult is going to be able to put off a teenager begging and pleading for a few years to know who her bio-dad is you have another think coming. You will be identified. Count on it.
It’s 2016 - Warmgun and his significant other are eating a quiet family dinner at home with the kids.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
WG: Hmmm. Who could that be at this hour"? …Yes?
WG 15 year old bio-daughter: Daddy! Mommy and Mommy broke up and I hate them both. Them don’t understand me. I want to live with you. Where’s my room? Oh!!.. and I almost forgot this is my boyfriend Spanky.
WG Significant other: WTH!!
WG Kids:WTF!!
Brady Bunch Theme Song Plays in background.
Yeah it’ll be just peachy.
For marriages, it’s only supposed to be “until you die”.
I was just meaning that in hetero marriages, there are still two adults that are legally obligated to take care of the child. But lesbian weddings are not legally binding. As doting as Etheridge probably is to her kids, technically under the law they’re not hers (unless she also adopted them, unlikely because they have a female parent). I know if I were a sperm donor to a friend, I’d want assurances that there’d be two to take care of my biological child, even if it meant asking for my parental rights back.
And as to the 12 year figure, it doesn’t say much for Cypher, since she was married to Lou Diamond Phillips from 1986-1990. Half of their marriage was a sham. Must make him feel wonderful.
In 1999, Anne Heche said she’d marry Ellen Degeneres if Vermont passed their gay marriage law. Then in 2000, they broke up, and Anne went back to men. Would’ve been tough had they been legally married, eh?
I’m all for gay marriage. Let them pay the “marriage penalty” tax instead of filing as two singles. Let them be legally obligated for the other’s debts. Let them be legally obligated for child support payments and alimony. Let them pay thousands of dollars if and when they want a divorce, instead of just shrugging and saying “it’s over”.
If you want to debate gay marriages, please take it to Great Debates. The OP was about legal and medical issues relating to donating sperm, can we please keep it to that topic?
http://www.advocate.com/html/stories/817_8/817_8_pregnancies775.html
http://www.advocate.com/html/gaylinks/res_famparent.html
http://www.geocities.com/WallStreet/8794/links.html
http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Village/5327/adopt.html
On a cursory search, I couldn’t find anything specific… you might after more digging.
Here in NYS you would be responsib,e for that child. No contract or gay marrage could get you out. The only thing you would have is to hope they stay together and honor the agreement that they made w/ you.