Lessons

The BBQ Pit
1

I work at a Credit Card Call Center. As some of you may know this can be an extremely stressful working environment. Below are a few rules to consider to make work a little more palatable.

For the cardholder

  1. Do not assume that the telephone operator yo speak to will be familiar with your problem as soon as you come onto the line. The chances are that you will not get to the speak to the same operator twice in a row unless the first operator specifically gave you an extension number or has a really distinctive name like Enrico Umbogo Mutambe Mcswiggleshits so the person you speak to next can’t say “Uh, there must be about twenty of those guys here”. Therefore, don’t fly into a furious rage when asked to explain your problem again. Just take a deep breath, relax and help me help you.

  2. If you have been declined for a card by our organisation, this means that we think you are too poor to own one. Now, we don’t like saying that. In fact, we can’t say that. However, telling us that you have Gold Coutts cards, that you own a $450, 000.00 house, that your backgarden is crazy paved with gold and that you are so damn rich you write out your cheques in radioactive gold dust with a pen made of polished rhino horn or any other bullshit lies you have in order to make us think you’re anything more than a dishevilled little hobo with neither a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, will not make one whit of difference to me or to any other operater you speak to. You are still declined. Most importantly, once you’ve told us all of the above, don’t complain when an operator tells you that to appeal the decision you have to send two pounds sterling with your letter. Doing this, you see, shows you to be either (a) incredibly cheap, given your vast, immeasurable fortune or (b) a liar. And no-one likes a liar. Now, it’s entirely possible that we may have made a mistake. However, screaming and raging like Pol Pot on acid will not aid your cause. More likely it will incline the operator you speak to, to put your particular problem last in his queue of complaints and queries to sort out.

  3. If you are going to use words like “Payment” “Debit” “Credit” “Balance Transfer” “CHAPS” and “Expiry Date”, please, please, please, PLEASE make sure you know what they mean. I cannot stress this enough. See, the operator you speak to will know what they mean (unless you get unlucky and get a trainee - who would be supervised anyway) and the ensuing confusion you will inadvertently cause can easily stretch a two minute enquiry into a fifteen minute long marathon.

  4. If we can’t increase your credit limit, PLEASE don’t take this as a personal slight. We just can’t do it right now.

  5. Do not manufacture stories to get what you want. After a few weeks on the job operators develop a fairly reliable bullshit detector. Stories of how you need your credit limit increased so that you can afford food on your hitchhiking journey to the nearest port where you have to stow away ('cos you don’t have enough credit :rolleyes:) in order to get to Kazakstahn where the extra few hundred quid will be essential in order to bribe the local yak herder to guide you to the himalayas where you can meet with Shaolin monks and attain Nirvana will not make any difference as to whether or not you get your credit limit increased. In fact, it will make us laugh. Thanks.

  6. Please dont’ make chat with the operators. We have nothing against you and I personally like talking to you but we have quota’s to meet and if we don’t meet 'em we get in trouble. I have to make 17 calls an hour. That averages out at one every two and a half minutes. I just don’t have the time. Sorry.

These are the basic rules. They will make your calls go quicker, they will make your problems go away faster and they won’t make our days drag.

This was not a proper rant. I’m not looking for approbation. I’m just tired.

2

But Enrico McSwiggleshits transferred me over. He said it would be no problem to increase my credit line to $100,000. After all, I shit solid gold grogans and my wife pees Californium-252. What? You’re DECLINING ME? That’s it. If you don’t approve me this very second, I’m sending a very exotic and very dangerous clan of ninjas after you. I’ll run over you with my Bentley. I’ll kick you into next week with my steel-toed b- uh, I mean platinum-toed boot. With diamonds and emeralds and rubies on it. I’ll drop my double-wide tr- uh, I mean my 262-room mansion on your head. I’ll [you should have hung up by now]

3

I hung up after the word transferred :smiley:

4

So, how many phone calls do you get per day from the “idle rich” who just happen to need a credit extension due to some unforseen and exotic set of circumstances.

You must share some of your favorites. 'Sonly fair.

5

I just got off the phone with my own credit card company, where I was attempting to have the limit on my little starter credit card raised from $300 to $500 so I can afford to buy books next semester. The wait on hold was not terribly long and the three people I spoke with (transfer, transfer, transfer) were all very efficient. I don’t know why people have such a problem being polite and intelligent when they call.

6

Did it have two training cards attached to it to help you with your balance?

[sub]yegads that was a horrid joke. Don’t press submit, don’t press submit…[/sub]

7

Okay, if you insist :slight_smile:

I once had a call from a woman who had a starter limit of 400.00 pounds. She wanted it raised to six thousand in order to get a car. I tried, at the same time informing her that such an increase would be unlikely to say the least, only to be declined. When I broke the bad news to her she launched into an (obviously preplanned) tirade as to the extent of her riches, how her small pocket change could clear the international debt of Bangladesh yaddayaddayadda, in the meantime I was checking to see if her original application was still on our files. It was, and when I checked I found that her gross annual income was only 6000.00 per year. She was a liar. Now, we don’t have speaker phone but on each of our telesets we have two ports, one for each set of headphones. I called over a friend of mine to listen in whilst at the same time indicating her income. About 5 minutes later when she stopped briefly for the purposes of breathing my friend took over (entirely without warning, I almost smacked the bugger :slight_smile: ), said he was a unit manager and that the decision would be referred and that we would get back to her. She hung up and we then referred the matter to a real supervisor who put a note on her account saying not to increase her limit under any circumstances. Ever. That was about 6 weeks ago. There are more, I’d have to get back to you though.