Let her tears fucking flow then (more glurge)

Tom and John had been friends forever. They were born in the same hospital on the same day and had cribs next to each other in the nursery. They played together every day and were in the same class together from kindergarten until they graduated high school. But there was one time every week that John knew he would not see his friend Tom—at church. John and his family went to church every Sunday, but Tom and his family stayed home. That was because John’s was Christian, and Tom’s were heathens.

Now John understood that it wasn’t Tom’s fault that he was unholy, obviously his parents had never been exposed to the love of Jesus, so they never knew to teach Tom of his love. So John took it upon himself to tell Tom about Jesus. For hours John and Tom would discuss Jesus and Religion and Science and what was right and wrong. But for some reason John could never convince Tom to see the truth. But that did not stop him from trying.

After Tom and John graduated high school they realized it was time to part ways. Tom was going to college to become an engineer, and John was going into the seminary to be a man of God. John begged Tom to repent and accept Jesus one last time. He was sure Tom was going to hell and it pained him so because he loved Tom and wanted him to be with him in heaven. Tom again refused, and John said goodbye to him with a heavy heart. He made a silent prayer that before God sent Tom’s soul to hell he would give John one last chance to save him.

Years passed. John got a church and a congregation of his own and preached about Jesus. He made sure that his people knew Jesus had his eye on them all. He warned them of the seven deadly sins: Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Wrath, Greed, and Sloth. And he made sure to practice what he preached:

Pride—he made sure to never get too good at anything, even checkers, so he never had an excuse to boast.
Envy—he withdrew from his congregants outside of church so he may not become of anything they had that he had not.
Gluttony—he ate only simple foods like bread and water and drank only the weekly communion wine.
Lust—he stayed away from all women, unless he was preaching them the gospel, so as to never be tempted to be lustful.
Wrath—he never allowed himself to become too passionate about any subject, except Jesus, lest he become angry should someone have a different viewpoint.
Greed—he lived in a simple room above the church, with only a bed, a desk, a lamp, and his bible for study.
Sloth—He only allowed himself five hours sleep a night, and when he was not composing a sermon he was reading the bible or praying.

As John grew older he found his life harder to bear. Often the sin of envy would creep up on him. He saw young families in his church, husbands kissing wives, playing with their children. He overheard them talking about their great vacations, or nice cars, or pretty girls and could not help but imagine what his life would be like if he could have some of those worldly pleasures. What if he just let one or two extra little pleasures into his life? Surely Jesus would not begrudge him a piece of cake, or an afternoon movie! But then he remembered the wonders awaiting him in Heaven, his eternal reward. He could not give up Heaven for a piece of cake. In times like those he redoubled his efforts, lived on water for days, slept only a few hours a night and spent the rest of the time begging God’s forgiveness for his lapse. His congregants could always tell when he had had one of his lapses from the fiery sermons he gave.

John grew to be a very old man. Soon his church hired another pastor to help him out. John would preach one Sunday, the new pastor would preach the next. This left John with a lot more free time than he would have liked. In order to keep from slothfulness he decided to start visiting the hospital more often. He would visit men and women on their death bed, tell them the wonders of Heaven and ask them to repent and be saved.

One John he entered the room of a dying man surrounded by people. The man in the bed asked why he was there. John told him here was a local pastor who helped dying people with the transition into the next world, to take away their fear and deliver them into the arms of Jesus. The man in the bed said he appreciated John’s concern, but he was an atheist and did not need any help. The man said he had lived a good, full life, had no regrets, and was ready to be done. John tried to argue with the man, but he was old, and weak, and did not have the fire of his youth. Slowly, sadly, he turned to exit the room.

As he shuffled out the door, he noticed a young man walking down the hall toward him. Something about that young man sparked a recognition in John’s mind—he knew that face! Suddenly he knew! This man must be Tom’s grandson! He turned around again to look into the crowd of people surrounding the dying man’s bed. On almost every face he saw Tom. John cried out, “Tom! Tom, is it you! I am John, your best friend from childhood! Surely Jesus has answered my prayer and delivered me to you as your one last chance for salvation!”

The dying man sat up a little in bed and squinted at John. His face lit up with recognition. “John? It has been a long time!”

The two men spoke animatedly now. Tom introduced John to his wife and family, he had many children, grandchildren, and his newborn great-grandchild. He told John about his life, as an engineer he had excelled and used his talents to build the safest bridges in the world. He had become wealthy, but gave much of his money to charities. After he retired he became involved with politics and lobbied for environmental reform. He and his wife traveled the country visiting his many children. He truly had lived a rich, full life.

Listening to Tom’s tales John forgot himself. When it was finally time to leave, John realized he had not done a single thing to convert Tom. Wracked with guilt, he begged Tom to listen to him about Heaven and Hell and Jesus, but Tom said he was tired now, and did not want to listen to what he had to say. John implored him one more time, telling Tom his sorrow that he could not be with him in Heaven. Tom stopped him short and said:

No, John, don’t feel sorrow for me. I have lived my life to perfection, and now it is over. There is no sorrow there, only truth. It is you who should be sorrowful. You have wasted your whole life searching for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but there is no pot of gold. Please, try to live a little before you die.

John left Tom in his hospital bed, surrounded by family and love and walked back to his own tiny room. He kneeled on the floor and clasped his hands to his face and cried out to Jesus, “Please, God! Tell me Tom is wrong! Tell me my life lived was not in vain!” But John did not hear any booming voice, see any signs, just silence. He crawled into bed, and fell asleep.

When Tom passed his children, grandchildren, friends, coworkers remembered him and told stories about his life. His charities erected memorial plaques in his name, his bridges stood as eternal edifices of his life. When John passed, there was no family to mourn him, no stories to tell. Eventually even his congregation forgot who he was. He never got his pot of gold, because he never realized that the rainbow—his life—was the prize, and that’s all there was. :smack:

I dunno, when I hear the phrase “atheist glurge,” I was expecting something along the lines of a story about some guy who lived a happy, content, and satisfying life by not wasting his time with that mind-sucking stupidity known as religion.

But maybe that’s just me.

Thank you Uvula Donor. Like a mellifluous flatus, straining to reach perfect notes, your post was lovely. snif

:: Applause :: to Little Bird -

That was perfect!

By comparison to other “glurge” in this thread, “The Pot at the End of the Rainbow” isn’t particularly funny, but it fits “Athiest Glurge” to a “T”.

blush

“Grandma and Grandpa lived a long life. It was just their time to go. Some would say that it was in God’s devine plan that they should be taken away at this time; that they would spend eternity in Heaven. But I know better than than. It wasn’t God who chose to take them from us, but rather, my brother who really needed the money that the inheritance would provide upon their death. It wasn’t the hand of God that took them, it was the rat poison in their Ensure. They aren’t going to Heaven, they are decomposing in a pine box just ouside of town. I make sure to take the kids down there every so often to remind them of the real truth. Besides, the kids love taking rides in the new Bentley. God’s plan nothing, I’m rich biiiaattch!”

There was once a bridge that spanned a large river. During most of the day the bridge sat with its length running up and down the river paralleled with the banks, allowing ships to pass through freely on both sides of the bridge. But at certain times each day, a train would come along and the bridge would be turned sideways across the river, allowing the train to cross it.

A switchman sat in a shack on one side of the river where he operated the controls to turn the bridge and lock it into place as the train crossed.

One evening as the switchman was waiting for the last train of the day to come, he looked off into the distance through the dimming twilight and caught sight of the train lights. He stepped onto the control and waited until the train was within a prescribed distance. Then he was to turn the bridge. He turned the bridge into position, but, to his horror, he found the locking control did not work. If the bridge was not securely in position, it would cause the train to jump the track and go crashing into the river. This would be a passenger train with MANY people aboard.

He left the bridge turned across the river and hurried across the bridge to the other side of the river, where there was a lever switch he could hold to operate the lock manually.

He would have to hold the lever back firmly as the train crossed. He could hear the rumble of the train now, and he took hold of the lever and leaned backward to apply his weight to it, locking the bridge. He kept applying the pressure to keep the mechanism locked. Many lives depended on this man’s strength.

Then, coming across the bridge from the direction of his control shack, he heard a sound that made his blood run cold.

“Daddy, where are you?” His four-year-old son was crossing the bridge to look for him. His first impulse was to cry out to the child, “Run! Run!” But the train was too close; the tiny legs would never make it across the bridge in time…

The man almost left his lever to snatch up his son and carry him to safety. But he realized that he could not get back to the lever in time if he saved his son.

Either many people on the train or his own son - must die.

He took but a moment to make his decision. The train sped safely and swiftly on its way, and no one aboard was even aware of the tiny broken body thrown mercilessly into the river by the on rushing train. Nor were they aware of the exultant figure of the laughing man, still clinging to the locking lever long after the train had passed. They did not see him skipping home with more joyous enthusiasm than most kids on Christmas morning.

They also didn’t hear his thoughts. “Heh. Got rid of his mother the same way.”

He chuckled as he opened the door to his house and looked around the now silent living room. “Suckers.”

Now, if you comprehend the emotions that went through this man’s heart, you can begin to understand the enthusiam of Our Father in Heaven when He flooded the world and made sure it lasted for forty days.

“I can’t do thirty days,” he said to his angels. “Some of them might escape. They’re like roaches, y’know?”

And the angels intoned, “Amen.”

Skip, sorry that one doesn’t work for me. You specifically build up tension by saying that the man wants to save his brat - then have him gleeful about killing the boy? Don’t work. Better luck next time.

Hey! I changed, maybe, 30 or so words from the original. It’s a thing of beauty, it is.

Still disagree? That’s fine. We should talk about this over lunch; I hear there’s a great diner by the railroad tracks… :stuck_out_tongue:

MMmmmmm… Long pork. Young, fresh, long pork, too.

So far, I like Little Bird’s best - well done.

And to think, this kind of thread comes along after Kel Varnsen - Latex Division gets banned. Classic.

On the contrary, SkipMagic, I loved it, particularly the ending.

Of course, Little Bird’s is excellent.

Anaamika, I wasn’t saying that there was any problem with the ending paragraph. Just pointing out that having the character of the story being so split ruined the effectiveness of the glurge. And, if we’re working on Atheist glurge we do want it to be effective, don’t we? :wink:

Obligatory reference: "Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.

You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back."

All that’s missing is a link to an relevent page on this site.

I have faith it will be effective.

Oh, wait…

You know, sometimes when life looks its worse is when you see for the first time the beauty and love in the world. It’s a special experience you need to save up for when life is good that makes it all the more wonderful.

Take my friend Bob. This is a true story, I know this happened. Bob was a drunk and at his lowest. His wife and kids had left him, he’d been fired from his job, he was in the process of losing his home and he’d crawled into a whiskey bottle and lain there for over a week. Eventually he’d run out of what little money he had and been thrown out of the last cheap bar that’d let him through the door. Quite literally he was in the gutter.

Then a vision from God appeared to him. A man in shining gold told him that God loved him even now, and all he had to do was believe and he would turn his life around. He gave him a little kitten as a symbol of this. And Bob believed and gave his life to Jesus at that very moment. He was tired of being a sinner and tired of life without Jesus. The man in shining gold then lifted him out of the gutter and carried him home. Bob woke the next day safe in his bed with a new purpose in life, love in his heart and a kitten licking his face.

Naturally it made not the slightest difference. There is no God that saves hopeless losers and drunks see things all the time, don’t they? Bob phoned his wife that day and she told him that she’d started divorce proceedings. The final eviction notice arrived in the post and the kitten had a bad case of worms and puked over his bed. Bob killed it when he backed over it drunkingly trying to get his pickup out of the garage. I stopped talking to him when he asked me if I was saved and tried to borrow $50 off me for “God’s work”. Last time I saw him he was drinking boot polish on the street.

So remember, next time your life seems bad, it’s not half as bad as Bob’s. And it’s not a good idea to become a drunk. No magic supreme-being is going to fix things for you and it’ll make your life shitty.

Pass this on to all your friends. If you fail to do this nothing will happen, they just won’t get to waste their time reading it. But if you do, well… perhaps they’ll not be a dumb jerk like Bob believing in drunken hallucinations.

If ever there were a place where anti-glurge would flourish, it would be The Dope. Brilliant. Just Brilliant. Bravo Everybody!

Especially you Waverly. See, I work with people with developmental disabilities and I’ve gotten that steaming pile of glurge which is Stevie more times than ought to be legally allowed. It’s the glurge that won’t die! Fortunately it no longer gets passed around from co-worker to co-worker because of an ever vigilant email policy. However, outsiders loooooooove sending it. Several of my colleagues and I from other organizations despise Stevie. I am going to share Anti-Stevie with them. Hilarity will ensue. I printed this out at home and made several copies to distribute. Your name will be praised.

I’m saving all of these, and plan to unleash them one at a time upon my mother each time she sends me her religious glurge next week. Wheeeeee!