Let me get things started by saying I never, ever need to see another commercial with Santa Claus in it. And even more than I don’t need that, I don’t need to see any commercials where Santa is suddenly buying his presents at a department store or Best Buy or whatever. No more cutesy ads where elves are lined up at a soup kitchen or Santa is at the beach because, you know what? Now he just gets all of his presents at Kay goddamned jewelers. It’s been done. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and realize that all the Santa commercials have been done. When the extremely kickable pigtailed girl said “I gave him CHEESE!” the genre was officially dead and ready for cremation. Please put the festering corpse of the concept into the incinerator, and now.
And while we’re at it, please, please, please stop with the shitty Christmas comedies. I don’t need to see Owen Wilson or Jason Segal as a goddamned elf this year, not even in a trailer. Just stop it. Seriously, people, stop SEEING shitty Christmas movies or they will keep making them.
Oh, and stop making crappy novelty “Can you believe who made a Christmas album” Christmas albums. No, I don’t think it’s brilliant that It’s a Slayer Christmas can now be downloaded from iTunes. Just because some washed up rock star decided to turn a quick buck by cranking out some Xmas classics doesn’t make it a must-have-this-Christmas. This includes Bob Dylan. Also, if you have any love for music and humanity, and are a radio station, stop playing that Bruce Springsteen version of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”
And let me lodge a complaint about anybody who gets upset because somebody does, or does not, wish them a Merry Christmas. If you can’t stand bland seasonal pleasantries, just stay home from Halloween through Groundhog’s Day. And if you can’t stand to get offered a more generic and inclusive Happy Holidays, then I hope you get nothing but coal and divorce papers this holiday. And maybe a dose of Anthrax. Nobody owes you a goddamned Merry Christmas.
There are much, much worse things in our world to be upset about. Like commercials with Santa Claus using his iPhone to order all of his presents from Amazon.com and deliver with UPS. Or that inevitable movie where Will Arnett plays an incompetent burglar who shanghais Santa on Christmas Eve and learns the true meaning of Christmas.