I have bad luck shopping and Xmas makes it worse. Recent experiences make me leary of what is to come.
For instance, I walked into Macy’s to find two men wrestling on the ground in front of me. No, it wasn’t a fight over the last pair of glow-in-the-dark boxer shorts, it was a security guard struggling to subdue a shoplifter, who was calling for help. I briefly considered pitching in (to help the guard) but while I was thinking about whether it was worth risking aggravating my lumbar discs, another store employee raced up. Since she was all of 5’3 and 110 pounds I figured they had the situation well in hand.
After that I went over to the Smith & Hawken very-slowly-going-out-of-business sale to see if the discounts had made up for the longstanding overpricing yet. I walked up to the counter with a tree oleander that was marked down, but not enough, and made a bargain offer to the clerk. She stared down her nose at me like I was dirt and said with icy hauteur, “That’s not an option.” Oooo, that left a mark, I can tell you.
Then this past Saturday I was in the Goodwill store looking for cheap audio (they actually had a fair selection of cassettes). Unfortunately, the early holiday shopping crowd was out in force and all clustered in my part of the store. Some guy with a loud monotone voice was busy going through every toy on the shelves, commenting on their features to an unfortunate woman who appeared to be his wife, and activating every single toy that made noise or talked. This included a motion-triggered doll that had previously tripped when I walked up to the cassette selection. “HI! I’M INCONTINENT IRIS! AREN’T I A LITTLE STINKER! COME PLAY WITH ME, FOREVER AND EVER!!” Iris sounded off at least twice more while he was ravaging the toy racks, and then two additional people who must have been doing this to drive me further up the wall, came up and tossed toys they had previously selected back onto the shelves, setting off Iris again.
On the highway loop heading home I came up behind an SUV bearing the bumper sticker “Dog Is My Co-Pilot”. As I passed them I glanced over to see if a Newfoundland was in the passenger seat, but instead it was a rather bad-looking middle-aged woman.
Shopping has its rewarding moments.
Yes, we’ve noticed. It seems to be the reason for your season.
PULL OUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING PURSE/WALLET/CREDIT CARDS/CHECKBOOK WHILE THE CASHIER IS COMPLETING YOUR TRANSACTION.
Don’t stand there with your head completely up your ass until they tell you how much it comes to, and THEN suddenly act shocked and start thinking about how you’re going to pay for all this shit, at which point you consider looking at your purse.
IT IS A CHECK, NOT A FUCKING NOVEL. IF YOU CAN’T WRITE THE DAMNED THING IN 30 SECONDS OR LESS, USE A FUCKING CREDIT CARD.
No one gives a shit how fancy you write out things on your check. We care about you getting your ass out of here so they can ring up our shit.
CLUE: If the cashier is trying to get me to hand my shit over the top of you while you stand at the register and play with your purse… You’re done. Move your ass so they can deal with me. Re-arrange your shit on your own time in another location.
Oh, and I have honestly lost all interest or sympathy in whether or not you get hurt when you’re walking one direction, looking in another, and you walk in front of my cart. These days I don’t even slow down or look back. Watch where the fuck you’re going.
Finally, if you stop dead and throw your arm out in front of my face in order to point off in some direction, and your arm hits me, I’m going to hurt your arm. And no, I won’t be sorry about it. Consider yourself lucky that I’m not the sort of person to punch you in the face in retaliation.
I have many friends but most of them are mature enough to realize in a year where the economy has tanked that spending money for crap nobody really needs is a waste. They also realize in a year when I have become disabled and am waiting for surgery and the company my husband worked at for 17 years closed that wasting money on cards and trees is foolish. However some much like yourself are assholes who can’t see past their own wants and needs to care about others.
Oh and the three people I will be giving gifts to are the three kids who’s names I picked off the giving tree. You see some of us can see past the bullshit that has become Christmas and remember that life is about more than getting stuff. Also about more than hoarding our or money and screaming mine, mine, mine in fear some one might ask you for some.
I’m dreading going in to work tomorrow, because KOST will have launched their nonstop holiday songs ('cause they occasionally play Adam Sandler’s Hanukah song in addition to the Christmas carols). And of course my coworker must have her Xmas carols 24/7. So it’s another year of chestnuts roasting on an open fire, and the poor kid buying shoes for his dying mom so she can go meet Jesus, and the turkey and the mistletoe and ARRRGH! (tears at her hair)
(calms down)
OK, I will go put my 8-year-old to bed. I can hear her singing, to the tune of "Carol of the Bells:
I want Incontinent Iris!
Sometimes I will go to a mall before Christmas just to watch the scurrying mustspendmoney people looking around. When I buy my friends presents, I figure out what they may like and look around in October and buy it (or make it). Done!
I sense a deep and abiding resentment towards this thread on your part. I wonder why this is? Were you the little kid who got hand-me-down stained underwear from your Grandma for a Xmas gift? Did Santa Claus leave a pat of reindeer shit in your stocking? Did your big brother steal your Barbie doll from under the tree and replace it with a syringe full of speed, nicely gift-wrapped of course?
Maybe I’m a bitch for thinking this, but we shouldn’t have to contemplate beating an obnoxious bell-ringer with their own bell two weeks before Thanksgiving.
It’s the happy place inside my mind. Seriously, from Thanksgiving until about New Year’s, I studiously avoid all things Christmas, with the exception of the aforementioned family stuff. I do what little gift shopping I have online, the TV stays off or I pop in a DVD or video game. For those occasions where I have to venture out into Retail Hell, I don’t stay for long and I usually have my Zune. If that makes me an anti-social asshole, so be it. I just hate being bombarded with a bunch of nonsense that doesn’t apply to me.
The South Park song “A Lonely Jew” sums up my feelings perfectly.
I hate that christmas starts so early, the council guys are out putting the decorations and lights up in the city long before the clocks have gone back and the nights draw in. The xmas tat is in the shops before the end of summer and there’s seemingly no way to avoid it.
I’ve done my shopping online so far because the crowds in town are so awful, everywhere is so crowded and people are such selfish ingrates.
My dad’s in the hospital and might still be there on Thanksgiving day. Most of my time not working has been spent there with him. Why is it also my responsibility to figure out where and what the rest of my family will be eating on Thanksgiving? I am not the only one who knows how to use a phone or buy a take home turkey dinner?
This is a small stupid thing but it’s more stress that I just don’t need.
I’m not as big on avoiding everything as you are, but I’m more a traditionalist. Nothing Christmas-related–music and decorations mostly–should be out before Advent Sunday and preferably even later than that. I will make an exception for craft stores that need to get that kind of stuff in well in advance for people who need the lead time. Otherwise, I venture out into Retail Hell well-fed and with my iPod to drown out the music and the idiocy. Unless I’m going to Wal-Mart, in which case I go with my iPod all year long in order to control the boiling rage within.
OK, my rant may be too mini, but it hit me last night, driving down my normally dark street. Houses have been ablaze with Christmas lights for at least a week now. It’s not even Thanksgiving. Thousands of lights twinkling and flashing, burning all that energy.
Here I thought we were supposed to be saving energy, buying special lighbulbs, unlpugging appliances, etc., apparently so everyone else can waste tons of energy “decorating” for Christmas? Is there some sort of disconnect here?
