If gay marriage is legalized, more people will become Canadian.
Wait, that already happened. And the world didn’t come to an end.
Gay marriages will make lesbian relationships seem normal and boring, therefore ruining the arousal value of girl-on-girl porn.
Gay marriage will make my rather somber marriage look bad in comparison.
Gay marriage made me eat that chocolate-covered marshmallow pumpkin. It also makes my skin dry and flaky, and that is just not acceptable.
If gays have weddings, how will anyone know which side of the church to sit on?
I won’t be able to tell the gender of ambiguous dopers by the usage of “my husband” or “my wife”. How else am I supposed to tell?
Dogs might start thinking they can marry cats. Won’t somebody think of the kitties?
Well, if he’s angelically handsome, some of them would probably like to, at least. (This takes on a whole new dimension when you consider that Christopher Walken is permanently cast as Gabriel in my head.)
Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.
Gay Marriage is why I’m in a wheelchair.
I think you’re onto something here…no, you personally are awesome, but there’s probably a whole lotta folk out there who are worried about having to fight off the other half of the gene pool to find a mate.
My turn… all those people who had commitment ceremonies who now want to make it legal-? Trolling for more wedding gifts. Nuh uh- you got your Ikea gift certificate already, you want another bookcase, you’re on your own. 
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WWJD? Jesus wouldn’t have married another man. Neither would have George Washington, General George Patton, or the late President Ronald Reagan (blessed be His name).
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Women often change their sexual orientation and go lesbian in college, and turn back to being straights when they graduate. What if they marry a woman in college, and then turn straight a few years later? Marriage is sacred, not an experiment to be undertaken after smoking some good chronic and listening to a few folk music CDs in a dorm room!
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Think of the grunting noises the poor kids will hear. The children of both gay and lesbian couples, at that.
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Gay couples will adopt Mexican babies, and those babies will grow up and take our jobs!
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Blacks are less approving of homosexuality than whites. Thus, gay marriage is racist.
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You don’t want to give the Muslims another excuse to attack us, do you? If you support gay marriage, you support terrorism!
You allow gay marriage, all them thar gays will start ‘saving themselves for marriage,’ and then where’s a good senator supposed to go for a decent bj, eh? who will man the glory holes? the men’s restrooms along the highway? airports?
bad, bad idea.
You know why it’s cloudy in Seville today? You know why, eh, eh, eh? Because it’s in Spain and Spain allows SSM and there is a gay wedding going on in Seville’s City Hall right now, that’s why! It’s God’s punishment! And that is also why it had not rained in three months: God sent a drought bearing His message, but did those heathen Andalusians listen? Of course not! Because they’re all Muslim (specially the ones in Cordoba) and that is why they have SSM! It’s a Muslim thing!
(Hey, the OP asked for ridiculous)
It would dramatically increase the chances of people with the same first name getting married. Then when they get married one of them will change their last name to that of their spouse (they change it to the butchest one’s name, usually).
Now there will be two people with the same name living at the same address!!! How will they know which letters to open? If they accidentally open their spouses letters then they have committed a FELONY!!!
Otherwise known as the “hard gay” in the relationship. 
If we allow SSM, how are the individuals going to stake out their territory and shit??
Like, you know, women like to hang out in the kitchen, and the blokes have their shed? How’s it meant to work if there’s two fellas fighting over the best way to chop leeks and the sheilas having a bit of biffo over who gets to set up the workshop?
Just not fucken natural.
Hey now, everything I know about The Gays I learned from Japanese TV. That’s why I’m so well-informed and am able to provide useful input for this thread
When gay marriage is legal everywhere, all the gay guys will ‘register’ for excellent coffee/espresso makers, thereby driving up the cost of coffee makers everywhere, thereby driving up the price of decent coffee. So, ten years from now, I’ll have to pay $50.00 a pound for decent coffee beans, all because of those damned gay folks wanting equal rights and all! Screw them! I just want my damned caffeine, is that too much to ask??
From reading upthread, it seems there’s a lot of damn fine reasons against gay marriage.
One thing that has always troubled me though, is how would a married gay couple know which one is to do the learnin’ and which one is to do the teachin’ with a backhand to the face? Can anyone answer me that?
Hey, maybe that’s why Jesus hates gay marriage.* It screws up his hierarchy: Jesus controls Man, Man controls Wife, Wife controls Children. If Jesus doesn’t know who to boss around, everything falls apart.
*he was known for his hate, after all