Let's come up with totally ridiculous arguments against SSM

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Yes, more ridiculous than the actual arguments. I know it’s a challenge.

I’m looking for silly, sexist, naive, offensive, farcical, and surreal reasons.

If same-sex marriage is legalized:

[ul]
[li]How will couples know who should take out the garbage and do the yard work, or do the dishes and the laundry? Gay households will have perfect yards and piles of dirty dishes! Lesbian homes will have piles of garbage bags lying around, but perfectly vacuumed floors.[/li][li]Gay couples won’t have the stability and healthy respect that comes from extensive negotiations and problem solving about “seat up” or “seat down.”[/li][li]The chapels in Vegas will be overwhelmed and straight couples will have to wait as much as several hours before getting married.[/li][li]The sun will go supernova much earlier. Just trust me.[/li][/ul]

. . . and now I’ve suffered brain freeze trying to come up with something more insane than, “Ministers will be arrested if they refuse to marry gay couples.” I’m handing it over to you guys.

2

I seriously can’t think of a single argument against SSM more farcical than the “slippery slope” argument used with a straight face by many, many anti-SSM shitheads.

“We can’t allow the homersexurals to marry, because then, where do you draw the line? People marrying animals! Marrying children! Marrying dead bodies!”

No matter how far out there you go, you’re not going to get anything stupider than that. Jesus, I hate this world sometimes. :mad:

3

Our rivers will run red with AIDS-infected blood. Nazis will ride dinosaurs though the streets and throw fecal matter from rooftops. Giant birds will feast on our elderly.

4

Marriage is between a man and a woman, and always has been, and therefore always will/should be.

(Seriously, there aren’t any arguments against SSM that AREN’T completely ridiculous).

5

Because if we show approval of SSM or homosexuality in general, everyone will marry members of their own gender, there won’t be any children, and the species will die out.

That’s a classic one.

6

SMBC Theatre: Slippery Slope (Youtube video with sound)

7

I can’t afford MORE wedding gifts. Besides, you know those gays are really harsh when it comes to style choices - I’ve seen Queer Eye…

8

If that ever happens, thousands of years of evolutionary progress to develop the “revulsion” gene to teh ghey will be wasted, wasted!

9

It’s icky, and I don’t want to feel icky.

10

I’m more worried about the minister, or whoever is doing the ceremony, making a mistake and you wind up accidentally marrying your best man or something. Then you have to move in together. Spend every waking hour together. Make love while watching into his deep blue eyes. Feel his firm body rubbing against you while his big throbbing penis…

Uh, where was I? Oh yeah, gays are bad.

11

Great, now my 7 year old wants to know what I’m laughing about!

12

Are you kiddin? They’ll REPRODUCE like BUNNIES!

13

See? SEE?!? If gay marriage is allowed, then seven year olds will know about gay people and maybe even get invited to a wedding! Think of the children!1!!!111!1!11!!eleven

14

It will ruin my databases! We’ll have to print all new forms! Imagine the hundreds of thousands of billable… bring it on, queers!

If we allow SSM, the hippos have already won!

Loving is a faggy precedent and you don’t want to be a fag, do you?

If women can marry women, that’s pretty much it for me, isn’t it?

If gays can marry, it will make it that much harder for Good Americans™ to ignore the fact they exist outside of stereotypical move and sitcom roles.

The Book of Revelation mentions a lake of fire, a beast with seven heads and ten horns, and a beast that looks like a lamb but talks like a dragon. Adding SSM to that would make a mockery of the whole deal!

Marriage is a sacred union, which is why my parents had theirs notarized by the Archangel Gabriel after sacrificing a pure white lamb. And Gabe, he says gays give him the willies.

As a Christian nation, we follow the teachings of Paul, not Christ, and Paul had some very definite things to say about traditional gender roles.

If gays can marry, Bed, Bath, and Beyond will go into overdrive filling the wedding registry market with tasteful tchotchkes. In five years, it will outstrip Wal-Mart. In a decade, it will be the biggest economy on the planet. On March 14, 2042, it will become self-aware, and perceive humans as the greatest threat to its survival. Anyone not wearing SPF 5,000,000 sunscreen will have a Really Bad Day, get it?

Jesus loves me, this I know/For the Bible tells me so/If he hollers, let him go/And Bingo was his name-o!

15

People who aren’t gay will start marrying other people of the same sex just because they can, it’s just bound to happen.

No one will know who’s supposed to wear the garter.

16

That’s just silly, there won’t be any children anymore,

17

There’ll be dinosaurs?

Quick, get Adam and Steve to the alter!

18

Gay marriage makes fruit spoil faster.

Gay marriage made my cat bite me.

Gay Marriage made me oversleep this morning.

19

Because this will throw off the balance of everything, and the world will tip over.

With Opposite Marriage, half of all married people are women, and half of them are men.

Same Sex Marriage will screw this up unless SSM marriage certificates are rationed!

20

It will devalue my heterosexual marriage!

(which is currently valued at tree-fitty, and I’m hoping to sell a fo-fitty)