If gays can marry, what’s to stop geographical features, like mountains and lakes, from marrying each other? Or literary concepts? Or tax laws?
What I would give to see that on a protester’s sign!
Or Og forbid, those damned Silly Bandz; ugh. What if they start getting married?? And then, and then (no, I can’t even say it; the horror; Oh, OK, I can’t leave you hanging, I’ll say it) what if the Silly Bandz can reproduce? Oh, yeah, I’ve got a 10YO daughter. I already have enough of those fuckers around the house!
And if Silly Bandz can reproduce, then soon, you’re going to have gays that want kids, too, and since they’re gay, they’re going to have to find a cooperative heterosexual-the-way-God-intended-us-to-be to help out. But what if they can’t find a cooperative heterosexual? They’re going to have to kidnap heterosexuals, so they (the gays, I mean) can have the same rights as Silly Bandz, and have children. Then, obviously (duh) they’ll raise their children to be gay, and their gay children will have to kidnap more straight people so they can have kids, and before you know it, all the straight people will have been kidnapped, and will be held prisoner as long as they can help with reproduction. When they are too old to do that, the gay people will call up Obama’s Death Panel and go all Kevorkian on their asses.
And don’t even get me started on if geographical features decide to reproduce. . .foothills everywhere, I tells ya!
(Hijacking the thread for a minute…)
Uh… I’ve got a short list of people that I think should die off first…
Back to you, Jim.
Exactly. Picture two lesbians getting married and both are wearing garters. So they both have to take a turn with the garter ritual. Now imagine them both kneeling down and running their hands up their partner’s legs… up their thighs… and slowly pulling the garter off… caressing each other…
You know what? I’m withdrawing my original objection.
If they all get married, the gay bars will be empty and I’ll have no one to seduce me into “expanding my horizons.”
But on the other hand the parties where you throw your keys in the fruit bowl when you arrive will get a lot more interesting for you.
TCM is already playing South Pacific. Do you want FOX News to air a production of “La Cage Aux Folles” starring Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck?
If we allow gay marriage, the GOP will split into those who really, really hate gays and those who just got gay married. Is it really worth listening to the first group go into an apocalyptic self-loathing rage every time they meet their former companions in the second group? Is it worth the stalking and harassment?
How can bands like Korn and Nickelback maintain their fanbases without cultural reasons to become a rage-filled repressed homosexual? Korn is already a casualty of the cultural shift away from homophobia!
If we allow SSM, in a few decades it will become so uncontroversial that the heir to the throne currently occupied by Glenn Beck will accept it wholeheartedly. Do you have any idea of how sanctimonious he’ll sound when he claims that Republicans, as the Party of Lincoln, were in support of SSM from the very beginning and had to fight the Eevil Libruls to get it enshrined in law?
If they marry, next they are going to want to vote, hold elected office, get driver’s licenses…if we give them an inch they’ll take a mile!
Don’t you know gay marriage causes global warming?
(It has something to do with the tonnage of hairspray involved, but it’s very mysterious.)
And if it becomes legal, we’ll all have to go out and marry the nearest traffic sign!
(I call the merge sign)
If we allow gays to marry, then heterosexual males everywhere will be exposed to more gays, which will make them even MORE insecure in their masculinity! And we just can’t have that.
If we allow gays to marry, we’ll be seeing more of THEM on the TV!
If we allow gays to marry, there’ll be same-sex couples in PUBLIC! They’ll be doing horrible, sick things to each other, like holding hands, or looking lovingly in each other’s eyes, or giving their partner a quick peck on the cheek, or other things that straight couples can do in public without anyone batting an eye!
Infected ingrown hairs! Dementors!! Crippling public debt!!! Damien Omen!!! Fuuuuuuuuck!
Women will marry other women en masse because they’re much better partners than men. The undersexed men will have no choice but to take to the streets and riot, rape, and even worse, go prison gay.
If you allow gay marriage, then one of them has to get his dick cut off and sold to China. How do you decide which?
SSM-apply directly to the forehead! :smack:
SSM-apply directly to the forehead! :smack:
SSM-apply directly to the forehead! :smack:
We all know that all gays get a basic-model toaster for coming out…
Thus, SSM will lead to further acceptance, more people will come out, and there will be a nationwide shortage of toaters. Somewhere, someone will have to eat untoasted bread.
Furthermore, more gay weddings will lead to the mass purchase of celebratory fancy toasters, meaning that some poor staight guy will have to eat limp bagels or mushy frozen pizzas (no more toaster ovens left in the store!)
Even worse, those gays will stay married, and have anniversaries! There won’t be a single toast-capable appliance left in America! No more sandwich toasters for anyone!!!
SSM will result in there being more weddings which will mean ministers will spend more time performing marriages which leads to less time preaching fire and brimstone. Then the moral values in the world will decrease further to the point where every child is reading *Harry Potter *and Twilight, spitting on bibles, and become sinful, Satan-loving, virgin-sacrificing, baby seal clubbing democrats!
You are close to the truth, young one.
SSM+Global Warming+Teh Internets=Lesbian Spank Inferno
Thus dies the empire, as have many before us.
Harry Potter, I don’t mind. But if SSM means my kid will grow up to read Twilight, I say burn all the gays, now.
Sparkly vegetarian vampires. Hmmmmph. :dubious: