SDMB Presents: Behind the Labrador
Maya Holmes was born “Tinkerbell Jones” to a small town family in south Georgia. We know very little about her life there, but what we do know presents a chilling picture. A picture of starvation, neglect, and a small “child” left to fend for herself against the harsh elements.
The picture becomes clearer after she was abducted by the ITYDYA liberation organization and smuggled to a secluded compound in Alabama. The ITYDYA (I’m Taking Your Dog, You A-hole) installed her with a mysterious figure known only as “Zaphod”. It was here that her training began.
Young Maya was subjected to a brutal regimen of chasing frisbees and tennis balls, learning how to sit, lay down, and stay, terrorizing squirrels, being terrorized by squirrels, daily belly rubbings, and long arduous hours of laying in the grass. She was fed a diet consisting of dog food, raw hide bones, and those little plastic things that make the squeeky noise in plastic snowmen. It was here that she found the confidence in herself to overcome the cruel pschological torture applied by a ghostly figure known only as “Paws”, who lived at the next compound over run by those two cute grad-school chicks.
Despite the vigorous routine, young Maya adapted well and became a fast friend to all who new her and settled down to enjoy the simple pleasures of life in rural Alabama. These Halcyon days were not to last long however, as Maya’s life would soon take a dangerous turn into illness, addiction, and madness. More after the break.
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Now back to Behind the Labrador on SDMB
Unbenowest to her keepers at the Alabama compound, Maya’s former captors practiced some shady dealings with veterinary records and bookeeping. Following the paper trail, Zaphod soon realized that the butt snorkelers had vaccinated the young Maya for Rabies but neglected to procure her shots for Distemper or Parvo. But by then it was too late.
On the morning of Saturday, [sub]sometimeinthespringacoupleofyearsago[/sub], the young labrador’s brain started seizing. Her 35 pound body shook with seizures and she foamed at the mouth as she twitched helplessly on the floor. She was rushed to the hospital. The diagnosis was grim.
Labrador Maya had contracted distemper, and her chances for survival were questionable. Through extreme measures obtained from a mysterious organization cryptically entitled “The Vet School” by her shadowy benefactor, the doctors were able to stabilize her condition and she was released several weeks later. Her sufffering was not over, however.
Allmost totally disconnected from reality due to massive ammounts of the anti-seizure medication Phenyl-Barbitol, she proceeded on a self destructive rampage. Unable to admit that the drug had affected her awareness, the young Maya proceeded on a dangerous course of RWI (running while under the influence). One plate glass window and untold vases were destroyed. She had also taken to scratching her ears in a nerosis induced fit. The combination of illness and recklessness had produced a severe infection in her left ear and she was admitted to the hospital.
On the operating table, the doctors accidentally severed her carotid artery, and she was again in the grips of the grim reaper. Several pints of blood later, the doctors were able to save her life once more.
After a few months of recovery, Maya accompanied the compound to their new headquarters in Atlanta. It was here that she met her life long friend, Howell. The two learned well from each other and settled in to a symbiotic relationship. Maya protected the older, yet smaller man from the machinations of the evil nine pound dark lord Sunday, who has a frightening habit of jumping off of furniture on to his head. She also taught Howell how to dig holes and put things in them. In turn, Howell taught Maya the usefull skill of barking at the mailman.
Maya currently lives at the new compound and has come to grips with her addiction to Phenyl Barbitol. Her dossage is one eigth of what it once was, and she is slowly being weened off the drug. All seems well with the Labrador best known for not meeting a single person or dog she didn’t like. There may still be a darkside, however.
Several O’possums have been found murdered in the area. Could the sweet friendly exterior be concealing an inner demon? Is she responsible for the deaths of the foul smelling, filthy marsupials? Authorities are investigating.
-Produced and directed by Beeblebrox
“In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Aplha Centauri.”