The How have you been dumped/blown off? thread inspired this. While I’d guess something similar has been through here before, I don’t remember it, and there’s no point in searching for “ex.”
So, do any of y’all maintain an ongoing relationship with an ex? I know a lot of people have joint custody of kids and thus must. That doesn’t always work out, I realize; one of my good friends has custody of his son and has just resigned himself to periodic exposure to unhinged psycho-fury when he has to deal with the kid’s mom.
OTOH, I do know a woman who’s become best friends with her ex-husband’s wife, and the three of’em pal around together.
I am friendly with and on speaking terms with almost all of my ex-boyfriends. This includes the one I talked about in the ‘Dumped/Blown Off’ thread, though I have been known to rant about him from time to time. And to plot his untimely demise. Just kidding. Mostly.
Me and my ex get along better now than we did when we were dating. We still hang out, go to movies, and he still tries (unsuccessfully) to get in my pants – on second thought, not much has changed since we broke up…
One I have a friendly but distant relationship with - he lives in another state, and we exchage e-mails very occasionally. I saw him in person for the first time in several years last May, and we had a very nice chat. He seemed to get along fine with the Spouse (who hadn’t met him before), and I liked his fiancee (whom I had not met before). I’d like to hear from him more often, but I acknowledge that that’s unlikely, mostly because of the distance factor.
The other still lives in town, but I see him even less often. We are certainly not friends, although we aren’t feuding. We have a few friends in common, so we each have a vague idea of what the other one is up to; said friends are usually bright enough not to invite us both to the same events, but we wouldn’t pitch a scene if they did.
I’m on good terms with most of my exes, and one is my closest friend. But anecdotally at least, it seems to be easier for same-sex couples, not sure why.
My ex-boyfriend and I are mostly on speaking terms, and we share a bunch of friends, so it’d be kind of hard to avoid him all the time. He’s still pretty cool, though.
Generally, my ex was a friend first and after the break-up she still was. In the cases where the ex wasn’t a friend first she isn’t a friend afterwards. But that’s just me.
I was friends with one of them (we dated for 7 months, he asked me to marry him, and while I was thinking about it I discovered a stack of gay men’s magazine’s in our room. When I confronted him he admitted to being a homosexual, but he didn’t want anyone to know so he was using me to cover it up) for awhile, but the resentment I held towards him was too much for me to deal with, so in the end it was easier for me to just break contact with him.
Another one of my exes (we dated for about 3 years off and on) turned into the most arrogant shithead once we broke up. He basically said (through words and actions) that he didn’t want to be friends with me but he still wanted to sleep with me when he could. I basically told him to fuck off.
Others I am still on a “friendly” basis with (we don’t go out together or anything, but if we see each other on the street we smile and say hello.) I would really like to be friends with at least one ex.
I have an ex-boyfriend and an ex-almost-boyfriend. I am good friends with them both. Before I moved, I spent time alone with them both, just hanging out and talking. We now keep in touch via e-mail and IM.
Wow! I’m glad to hear (read) that this is not all that uncommon.
What occasioned this thread, besides the linked thread, was having dinner with my most significant ex last week. While I’ve not much idea where the other three are (and I’m only considering multi-year relationships - not people I dated for a couple of months), I’ve realized she’ll probably remain a good friend for life.
While I didn’t see her for a year after the split, we’ve since spent a few Christmases and most birthdays in some kind of meeting. And I hired her to work for my company a few years after the split, when she really needed another working environment. She’ll never be a romantic involvement again, but I think we both realized that good long term freinds are an asset to not be recklessly disposed of.
I’m still friends with pretty much all of my exes. I am on speaking terms with all of them, and those that I haven’t just simply lost touch with are still friendly to me. I chat online with my most recent ex (who I dated for 5 years), and we e-mail, but we haven’t spoken on the phone for over a year, which is probably better.
The length and intensity of the original relationship determines what kind of post-split friendship is healthy. Being friendly with exes is the high road and mandatory if there are children. Being friends is another kettle of fish.
After a long, intense relationship, it’s important to redefine yourself as a person who is no longer in that relationship. Being too close to the ex inhibits that.
I’ve had the sad experience of seeing friends screw up their lives, sometimes for years, and wreck potentially good relationships in a misguided attempt to “be a friend” to an ex. And, although I hate to say this, I’ve seen a person I know pretty much deliberately wreck an exes future.
Often, people are simply trying to maintain what feels “normal,” but because that idea of normal is based on being part of a certain couple, it’s at odds with the normal life they need.
Except for the freak I dated a few times who started driving by my house late at night and calling to find out why I wasn’t home, and a guy my mother pushed on me for a few years who became a terrible stalker (bad news, guns, nasty, ick), I’m friends with most of my exes. A few have drifted away, but a few of my friends have also drifted away. Just the way it is when people move around.
TMI- I’m still friendly with people I was seeing for sex. Seems like the fair thing to do. If I didn’t think they were too boring to sleep with, who I am to ignore their holiday letters?
Well, one of mine will most likely be at my wedding next year, and might well be my best man.
Another is a crazy (and not in the happy fun eccentric way) female who was never really my girlfriend but … oh, how to explain. I guess best way is I wanted her when she didn’t want me/was unavailable, and vice versa. I do not talk to her right now but I do occasionally talk to a friend of hers (who sees the side of her now that I saw about a year ago when I severed tied with the former).
The only other who I think would qualify … well, I don’t have her address and I don’t really know how to go about contacting her, but we made up a few years after we broke up, so at least there’s no chance of having an ugly run-in with her, which is always good.
After a period of time, it was possible for me to be friends with a few ex’s. But that period of time was important to get all of the anger and hurt feelings out of whichever side needed it. Sometimes those feelings rear their ugly heads, though. I have an ex who is very important to me but she twists a knife in my side occasionally when we are together. Just little jabs, but they suck.
-Tcat
Friends. People that I still go out of my way to see, despite the fact that we dated and broke up. People I truly still care about who care about me. One stood up for me when I got married.
Friends of friends. People that remain in my social circle that I am friendly with when I see them. But I don’t pick up the phone and call - unless I’m having a big party in which case we invite them. I get invited to their weddings. I’d go to their funeral.
People I’ve Lost Track Of. People that I’ve just fallen out of touch with. Some I regret losing touch with, with others there wasn’t much there to begin with. I wouldn’t know if they got married or died - if I did hear, in most cases I’d have an appropriate reaction (joy with weddings, sadness with death).
People I’d cross the street to avoid. My ex husband falls in this category. I have a couple of ex boyfriends here too. Generally these are the ones that either cheated on me or were abusive in some other fashion. I’d know if they got married and send condolences to the bride. If they died, in some cased it’d be hard not to go dance on the grave.
I lived with a guy and we were pretty serious, but the fire went out and we became friends. We continued to live together in a one bedroom apartment while we dated other people. Then we got another apartment together, a 2 bedroom, and lived together in harmony for another year, both seeing other people. I set him up with the woman who became his wife. They have a son who is the coolest kid on the planet, and he and I are still friends.
I am also friends or cordial acquaintances with, at least 4 of my other exes. I had lunch with the one with which I had the most painful break-up of my life, on Saturday. I am also pals with his current girlfriend.
My reason for maintaining these friendships is that I hate to throw out the baby with the bathwater. If I liked them enough to devote a huge amount of time and energy getting to know and love them, then I care enough about them to become friends with them. If the romance is gone, that doesn’t mean the rapport and connection I have with them is gone too. Maybe it means I have good taste in men, or maybe it means I have trouble letting go. I do feel good about still having these men in my life. I know them well and have seen them at their worst, and they me, and I consider them valuable friends.
Everyone else thinks it’s very weird that I maintain such contact, but hey, it works for me.