Interviewer: (sitting at desk surrounded by pictures of her cats, her friends’ cats, cats she found online – tons of cats): So, what do you like to do in your spare time?
A: I really love going out shooting.
Q: Oh, really? What do you hunt?
A: Mostly cats. I love to hear them yowl and scream. Sometimes it takes hours!
What a creepy question. I hope they realized how sketchy it sounds and got rid of it.
Personnel: Can you stay focused with distractions around?
Applicant: Stare into their eyes.
Personnel: Can you stay focused with distractions around?
Applicant: Stare into their eyes.
Personnel: I said can you stay focused with distractions around?
Applicant: Stare into their eyes.
Personnel: Now stop that.
Applicant: Stare into their eyes.
Personnel: I said stop that.
Applicant: Stare into their eyes.
Personnel: You’re creeping me out.
Applicant: Stare into their eyes.
Personnel: Please stop that.
Applicant: Did you see how I stayed focused?
Personnel: Yes.
Applicant: You should see how focused I am when you piss me off. I’ll be really pissed if I don’t get this job.
Personnel: We have a very strict drugs and alcohol policy.
Applicant: Pro- or Anti-?
(Crap! I have an interview on Thursday. I sure hope he doesn’t ask me any of the above questions!)
Oh shit. Was I meant to wear clothes?
No mater what they ask, having your mother answer the questions is a big no no.
When your mom is filling out the form at the office to be turned in, you already can count yourself not hired.
Interviewer: First let me tell you how I work.
Interviewee: Apparantly, you work by discussing matters irrelevant to the task at hand.
(Actual interview opening line at a recruiting / placement firm, and the response I wanted to give.)
From an actual interview when I was on the panel (so it should be worth extra points)
She showed us pictures of her cats.
“What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?”
“I play organ for my church.”
(This was for a teaching job)
“Is there anything you would like to add that we havn’t covered yet?”
“I have . . . issues.”
(She didn’t get hired)
Q: What is your greatest strength?
A: Signatures. I’m a whiz at them. Show it to me once and in five minutes I’ll have it so perfect you couldn’t tell the difference.
Quite honestly, this answer would win you points at my office.
Interviewee comes in, points a gun at the HR guy and snarls “Hire me or I’ll blow your fuckin’ head off!”
Cribbed from real life*:
Q: who is your favorite author?
A: Well, I don’t really have one, because I don’t really read (fiction) but my favorite book is the Bible so I guess I’ll say God.
*The person who gave this answer was not the person being interviewed–I was. But since they’d forgotten to warn me about the question, they gave me a little time to think by having the interview committee answer the question. I was applying for a job as librarian, so the question wasn’t unreasonable–although answering it is always problematic–I’m indecisive, plus it’s hard to pick between a favorite popular genre author and trying to choose a respectable author. The guy who gave the answer above was in fact employed as the technology guy and wasn’t a librarian at all, but his answer still kinda went over like a lead balloon.
Carlin did some of this in an HBO special. He suggests picking up the picture of the family on the interviewers desk and say, Who’s the cunt?
How do you think your former bosses would describe you?
They told the cops I was kinda quiet, never talked much, was sort of a loner.
This job will require working some long hours, nights and weekends.
Sometimes I like to disappear for few days without telling anyone where I am. Sounds like a fair trade.
Let’s say you found out a co-worker was taking office supplies on a regular basis. What would you do?
Ask for a cut.
Do you consider yourself a morning person or an evening person?
Do you consider midnight to be A.M. or P.M?
Why should we hire you?
I don’t know about you, but I thought that was covered in the advertisement. Do you have reading comprehension problems?
What can you do for this company?
That depends on what you pay me. Kissing ass goes for $100 an hour.
Do any relatives work at this store.
No. I have a cousin that shows up and draws a weekly check.
We have a drug policy.
Is it for or against drugs at work?
If you had a customer yelling at you what would you do?
I would call the manager so they see what an ass the person is, and then hit them with the scanner wand in the mouth. Never do something mediocre, always strive for the best solution.
Can you work with people you don’t like?
I can, but they seem to disappear after a couple hours and stop showing up for work.
Wendy Wassman’s play “Uncommon Women and Others” has a scene where a female college graduate is telling the other women about her latest job interview. After she lists all her advance creditials, the interviewer asks “Can you run a ditto machine?”
Her response? “Yes, and I’ve tasted my own menstrual blood.”
