Let's make the worst job interview ever...

Q: What is your worst quality
A: Sometimes when I’m working my goodness radiates in kind of a light. And it can blind my co-workers.

Q: Tell me about a time when you handled adversity.
A: I used to bring donuts to work on Friday mornings. But this one fat lady kept eating them all- she was a real bitch. So I put ex-lax in them. Taught her! Ha!

Q: How do you handle stress?
A: I tend to blame myself. I look at all of the ways I failed in my life, and try to figure out how they’ve led up to this stressful situation. Usually I end up crying and have to go home. So I guess I don’t handle it very well…

Q: Why did you leave your last job.
A: Well, I started having this thing with my boss’s wife, and he found out. It was a mess! I decided it would be a better use of my talents to move on. Well, actually I was told that, but not in those words.

Q What are you looking for in a job…

“How do you handle criticism? Say, your direct supervisor tells you that he thinks you need more training because your skills are not up to par.”
“Um, how big is this guy?”

“Where do you see yourself in the next five years?”

Living in your house with you buried under the front porch and making free internet bondage porn with your wife.

“What would you say is your biggest strength?”

“I can pee incredible distances. Allow me to demonstrate.”

“What sort of compensation are you looking for?”

“Well, naturally I’ll be expecting plenty of fresh souls to devour.”

Q. “Would you paint a room blue, green or red?”

A. “None of them - I don’t like to work.”

Q. “Why were you late for this interview?”

A. “I can’t keep track of time.”

Q. “Do you know you have odd socks on?”

A. “Man, I was so wasted this morning.”

“Explain how you would be an asset to this organization”

I can start a really decent office football pool, unless you already have one and then I can break the legs of the guy running it for not kicking up his street tax to Big Vinnie.

Q. “How are you with technology?”

A. Tech-a-whaty now?

What type of work environment is best for you?
Well, I don’t like to work with those people.

What do you mean?
You know…those people. (Look around, lean in, whisper conspiratorily)…You don’t have any of those people working here, do you?

How do you feel about asking people to sign up for store loyalty cards?

Hate it with a passion.

What do you feel about the statement “The customer is always right”?

It’s wrong–customers are out to get all they can for the lowest possible price.

Tell me about a time you had a disagreement with a co-worker.

What? You mean I have to pick just one? All my co-workers hate me.

Q: Where do you see yourself in five year?
A: Hopefully doing your job.

Q. “So why did you leave your last job?”

A. I was feeling really lazy that morning, if you know what I mean…

Q: Tell me about a time you really made a difference for your previous employer.
A: Telling the SEC all about my boss’s insider trading put our stock in the basement, and it’s never recovered.

Q: Are you OK with working overtime?
A: If you’re OK with me stealing office supplies to get back at you.

Q: Your resume leaves three years unaccounted for. Why is that?
A: I didn’t really want to brag about winning the Cell Block Sweetie Prize at San Quentin.

Q: If you were me, would you hire you?
A: [Blank stare] Are you retarded?

Q: You know we have a no-smoking policy?
A: That’s OK. I fart a lot instead.

Q: As you know, we’re an equal-opportunity employer.
A: Then I don’t want to work for you. I want exceptional opportunities.

Q: Well, do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?
A: When do I get my first vacation day? OR Is that really your hair? OR Tell me, what do you brush you teeth with? 'Cause I really don’t want to get any of that particular toothpaste.

Employer: What do you think you would…

Me: (Pointing to picture on desk) Whoa, you know her?

Employer: Uh, yes. That’s my fourteen year old daughter.

Me: Fourteen? Aw, man, she said she was sixteen.

Employer: She did what?

Me: Everything I asked, dude!

Q: Why do you want to work for this company?
A: Because your secretary is HOT.

Q: Why did you leave your previous job?
A: They started locking the petty cash box.

Q: How long have you been programming in C++?
A: You know, I’ve got this great Amway product that would take care of those stains on the carpet in front of your desk. In fact, if you’d like to sign up as an Amway rep, you could get the stuff really cheap for yourself, y’know? Let me get you a catalog…

Q: How much experience do you have working with Windows Vista?
A: Almost ten years now.

Only [pointing at other lectern] that one.

For the win!!!

Q: Why were you late for the interview? That’s not a good way to start out.
A: You’re buggin’ about a couple of minutes? For real?*

Q: What are your greatest strengths?
A: I can bench press maybe 150 pounds. Other than that, I’m kinda out of shape.
Q: No, I meant your work strengths.
A: There won’t be heavy lifting on this job, will there?

Q: What are your weaknesses?
A: Cute little red heads, tall slender blondes, dark chocolate, really good weed…

Q: Why did you leave your previous job?
A: I was fired for beating the shit out of my boss after he asked too many questions. Are we done yet? This is getting on my nerves.

A2: I got three girls pregnant and them bitches thought I’d support them and their brats. (pause) Any cute bitches work here?

Q: Tell me about some of the problems you had on your last job and how you resolved them.
A: Look man, I only want to deal with positive things in life. I don’t deal with negative shit.
Of course, the best way to make it living hell for the interviewer, but also very short, is to play with your cell phone constantly and take calls from your friends where you talk VERY LOUDLY and insultingly about the interviewer.

“Hey, can you believe this bitch asked me about why I left CreepyCo?”

Put temporary tats all over your body, including your face. Find as many fake piercings too. Especially for very professional and/or heavy public contact jobs.

Use as much slang as possible and talk street, especially if you’re white and over 40.

Ask how much access to cash you’ll have on the job and if it’s easy to steal.

Intimate that the interviewer is really coming on to you and you’d like to do him/her right there on the table. C’mon, you know you want it!

“If the cops come looking for me, you ain’t gunna tell them I’m here, are you?”

  • Actually said to me by a co-worker who was five minutes late to relieve me, the second time he’d been late out of four times relieving me.

Why should we hire you instead of the other candidates?

Because if you don’t, I’ll catch you alone in the parking lot, take you deep into the woods, break your arms and legs, and leave you there.

Q. “What is your biggest weakness?”

A. :munch:


Q: Why did you apply for in this job?
A: I heard that your company’s health policy has good mental health coverage.