Q: Why were you late for the interview? That’s not a good way to start out.
A: You’re buggin’ about a couple of minutes? For real?*
Q: What are your greatest strengths?
A: I can bench press maybe 150 pounds. Other than that, I’m kinda out of shape.
Q: No, I meant your work strengths.
A: There won’t be heavy lifting on this job, will there?
Q: What are your weaknesses?
A: Cute little red heads, tall slender blondes, dark chocolate, really good weed…
Q: Why did you leave your previous job?
A: I was fired for beating the shit out of my boss after he asked too many questions. Are we done yet? This is getting on my nerves.
A2: I got three girls pregnant and them bitches thought I’d support them and their brats. (pause) Any cute bitches work here?
Q: Tell me about some of the problems you had on your last job and how you resolved them.
A: Look man, I only want to deal with positive things in life. I don’t deal with negative shit.
Of course, the best way to make it living hell for the interviewer, but also very short, is to play with your cell phone constantly and take calls from your friends where you talk VERY LOUDLY and insultingly about the interviewer.
“Hey, can you believe this bitch asked me about why I left CreepyCo?”
Put temporary tats all over your body, including your face. Find as many fake piercings too. Especially for very professional and/or heavy public contact jobs.
Use as much slang as possible and talk street, especially if you’re white and over 40.
Ask how much access to cash you’ll have on the job and if it’s easy to steal.
Intimate that the interviewer is really coming on to you and you’d like to do him/her right there on the table. C’mon, you know you want it!
“If the cops come looking for me, you ain’t gunna tell them I’m here, are you?”
- Actually said to me by a co-worker who was five minutes late to relieve me, the second time he’d been late out of four times relieving me.