I really don’t know why interviewers ask these ridiculous questions, but I thought that some non-conventional answers might spice things up. So, here goes:
-Q: “Where do you want to be in 5 years?” (A): “I want your job”
-(Q):“What is your finest accomplishment?” (A): “I was able to get my manager fired”
-(Q): “What are your main weaknesses?” (A): “I like booze and hookers”
-(Q): “How do you deal with difficult subordinates?” (A) “I set them up and fire them”
-(Q):“Why did you leave yor last job?” (A): “I hated my boss, and told him off”
Any more?
I think I actually said that once.
Q: What’s your biggest weakness? A: I don’t show up and I don’t do any actual work.
Actually, that’s basically the right answer. They want to hear that you want to move beyond the position for which you’re being hired.
-(Q): “Where do you want to be in 5 years?” (A): “On a beach in the South Pacific.”
-(Q):“What is your finest accomplishment?” (A): “Not getting expelled from high school.”
-(Q): “What are your main weaknesses?” (A): “Do you want the short list or the long list? The long list might take a couple of hours.”
-(Q): “How do you deal with difficult subordinates?” (A) “I avoid having subordinates by having the bottom position on the organisational chart”
-(Q):“Why did you leave yor last job?” (A): “They caught me. But my probation officer advised me not to say what they caught me doing.”
Actually a better response is: I SHOW up but don’t do any actual work.
Don’t say doing your wife, don’t say doing your wife…
“Doing you’re…son?”
~Peter Griffin
-(Q): “Where do you want to be in 5 years?” (A): I have no plans at all for five years from now. I’m just trying to pay the rent, yutz.
-(Q):“What is your finest accomplishment?” (A): Keeping myself from strangling my last boss.
-(Q): “What are your main weaknesses?” (A): Total lack of personal hygiene and a tendency to pick fights with my co-workers.
-(Q): “How do you deal with difficult subordinates?” (A) I don’t deal with difficult subordinates. I am a difficult subordinate.
-(Q):“Why did you leave yor last job?” (A): (shrug) Too hip for the room.
-Q: “Where do you want to be in 5 years?” (A): “Five years… five years… no one will be ANYWHERE in five years… MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
How about you ony show up on payday?
That only works for jobs that still give paper paychecks, though.
You: “I only show up for payday.”
Him: “We use direct deposit…”
You: “Perfect!”
Better:
(A): “I like booze and hookers, especially when you can slip them onto your expense report.”
(Q) Why should we hire you? (A) That’s bad if you’re wondering, too.
-Q: “Where do you want to be in 5 years?” (A): I want to be on the top.
-(Q):“What is your finest accomplishment?” (A): I had the manager screaming so loud the whole office heard.
-(Q): “What are your main weaknesses?” (A): I get up 5 times an hour while doing a desk job.
-(Q): “How do you deal with difficult subordinates?” (A) I make sure they know they are the bottom person in the department.
-(Q):“Why did you leave your last job?” (A): Dissatisfaction with my position in the totem pole. Don’t ask how to do the totem pole, I won’t tell you.
I was interviewing earlier this year, and it rapidly became obvious that I was only there as a token candidate with no chance of actually being considered. I decided to relax and answer the questions honestly, rather than how I thought they’d like to have them answered.
Q: “What would your last boss say about your time working for him?”
Me: “I’d like to think he’d say something nice, but he told me the department was reorganizing, I lost my job and he’s still there, so I don’t really know.”
Q) What are you doing now?
A) My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men’s room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn’t so closely resemble Hell.
[/Lester Burnham]
-(Q):“What is your finest accomplishment?” (A): “Embezzling millions from my last company”
-(Q): “What are your main weaknesses?” (A): “Getting caught embezzling”
-(Q): “How do you deal with difficult subordinates?” (A) “Waterboarding”
-(Q):“Why did you leave yor last job?” (A): “It was difficult to carry out my duties from the Federal penitentiary”
Q: what can you bring in for the betterment of this company? A: fashion sense.
Anyone else reading most of the answers here in a Bender voice?
Q: What is your greatest weakness?
A: You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
Q. What would you say is your greatest weakness?
A1. A tendency to say words like ‘fuck’ at the most inappropriate times.
A2. I have a short temper for stupid questions.
A3. Kryptonite.