There are so many questions left unanswered by TV commercials (to what navy does Capt. Crunch belong? Why doesn’t the Koo-Koo for Coco Puffs bird go to rehab?). But somehow the Keebler elves disturb me the most.
For one thing, who the hell would want to eat cookies made in a hollow tree?! What kind of union do they have? Keebler looks like a deceptively benevolent slave-driver to me. Is there only ONE tree, turning out all those cookies? And how fireproof could it be? Why no lady elves? Do they discriminate?
A friend of mine says she swears she saw a huge chocolate chip flying through the air right at an elf’s head in one spot, and she NEVER SAW THAT ELF AGAIN IN ANY OTHER COMMERCIAL. “I’m not eating those things,” she says. “It’ll be just like ME to get the pack with the dead elf in it.”
Anyone else? Can you tell How mentally stimulating my job is?
Well Eve have you ever thought about the poor little elves up in the north pole? Same situation but those guys got it really tough. The elves at Keebler got it made, I’m sure they can eat all the cookies they want (and there are some good ones). I’m sure all the elf babes love cookies. Better weather, easy commute. The more that I think of it us humans are using elves as slave labor, has anyone ever tried to set them free?
I think there is only one tree, must be a lot of magic in there. I want to know what happened to those chocolate sandwich cookies they used to make about 20 years ago, the ones with the weird maze design on them?? They were great, but no more, I have to settle for pecan sandies.
Santa: And I tell you, I’ve worked my ass off trying to find a black elf, a Jewish elf, a female elf! The only break I’ve gotten so far is that most elves are gay!
Other people remember the Playmate’s measurements. I remember the cartoons.
“Zoot” and “J.J.” are obviously answers to the marketing question, “What can we do to make the elves more relevant to today’s kids?” And all they did was take a standard elf, make him look about 12 or 13, and give him a skateboard.
Keebler should try to push things to the edge. They should have a hippie elf named “Stinky Andy” who wears a mini-poncho and has his own room in the hollow tree, where he makes pot brownies and hides blotter acid in the E.L. Fudge.
Then they should have a sexy little blonde girl elf who makes all the guy elves walk around with boners all day. Let’s call her “Trixie.” One day, while Ernie is staring at Trixie’s boobs, he forgets to look where he’s going and trips over a rolling pin. Tipping over a vat of cookie mix, Ernie accidentally mixes together Pecan Sandies and Deluxe Grahams, thus creating yet another line extension and keeping Keebler in business.
Oh. My. God. Thank you for that Keebler link, timtim; I may never sleep again.
OK, for one thing: Elmer and Roger are obviously mentally unstable, possible brain-damaged from too much sugar. I suspect Elmer may be the elf who took a chocolate chip to the cranium. We won’t even get INTO how “Fast Eddie” got his name, but that picture of “Ma Keebler” indicates SHE might have some idea.
“Doc” is obviously crocked to the gills and should go nowhere near moving machinery. “Casey” doesn’t even appear to BE an elf, but some kind of half-breed superhero. Does he rescue the elves who fall into the chocolate buckets? And is that how “Buckets” got his name?
And, only Keebler, his frau, and 13 other elves make ALL those cookies? From ONE tree? Aren’t the unionized? I see “Flo” on a toadstool with a ‘UNION’ sign like Norma Rae.
Have you seen how labor intensive some of the cookies and crackers are? I know in at least one commercial an entire group of elves is leaning on a vise trying to jam more buttery flavor into club crackers, or is it pecans in pecan sandies? At any rate, it takes like five guys to make one cookie!
Last time I bought a bag, they were something under $4.00. I was no math major, but any way you slice it that is not very much per elf per cookie. Whether they’re getting paid by the hour or the cookie, I think they’re getting something way less than a fair wage.
Not only that, Crank, but “Zoot” and “J.J.” are obviously underage—Keebler is running a veritable Triangle Shirtwaist Factory of cookies!
Didn’t I see one commercial that takes place at night, too, indicating that these 13 slave laborers are toiling away in 12-hour shifts? “More cookies—MORE cookies!” Keebler hollers over the P.A. system, as Elmer’s tiny mind finally snaps and he hurls Buckets into a bubbling cauldron of fudge.
The Keebler Elves should hook up with the labor union that represents Snap, Crackle and Pop, the elves who make the Rice Krispies. If they organized, poor Roger might be able to afford the medical treatment that he so richly deserves.
I’m thinking they work out of two trees; seems to me I recall a less hollow one a few years back…this might explain how they are able to produce so many gazillion more boxes on a daily scale.
“The Keebler Elves should hook up with the labor union that represents Snap, Crackle and Pop, the elves who make the Rice Krispies.”
Oh, well—now you have stumbled onto one of my favorite conspiracy theories. Ever notice how Crackle looks nothing like Snap or Pop? I am convinced he is the Karen Silkwood of the Keebler Cookie Tree. He saw something—something dark and horrible—and is in the Elf Witness Relocation Program, where Keelber’s goons can’t get to him. He’s gonna break that story open like a milk-soaked Oreo . . .
I remember an early commercial featuring a salesman trying to sell butter to Herr Keebler for the buttery Ritz-clone crackers they made. Keebler just laughed saying they don’t use butter for the crackers, they use “elven magic” to give them a buttery taste. I can remember thinking, “Great, now we have companies actually bragging about not using natural ingredients.”
I was especially disturbed by Zack, the foreman who claims his most prized possession is “the big brass thermometer [he] use[s] to make sure the fudge temperature is just right.”
Sweet mother of all that is good and holy…he’s raping all those little elves - Prison Style!!! :eek:
Not only are they toiling away for less than slave wages in an unfit environment, but they have to be the foreman’s bitches!
Damn you Keebler! Damn you to the very nether regions of hell!!