Keebler: The Ultimate Evil

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

It started out like a normal lunch. Look at my watch, realize that I’m hungry, and it’s 12:15. Get up, and take leave of my desk, located in my two-person cubicle, currently shared by myself and 3 other people (Ah, the life of a lowly intern). Head down to the cafeteria. Pull out my lunch, currently packaged in a plastic Giant Eagle bag, and begin eating.

Sandwich…mmmmmmmmmm.
Chips…mmmmmmmmm.
Milk…mmmmmmmmmm.
Keebler elf cookies…mmmmmmmm.

Wait a second.

Keebler ELF cookies? Something’s not right.

Now, call me crazy, insane, or lactose intolerant, but is there something wrong here?

Last time I checked, on the Keebler commercials, the elves make the cookies.

But…the cookies look like elves.

Anybody else find this slightly twisted?

I sure did, so I got to thinking. Took a while, but I did it. I did it, and I came up with a theory. The KEEBLER theory.

Now, the way I see it, elves can’t get payed much money, right? I mean, c’mon, they’re elves, for God’s sake. We’re talking sweatshop conditions in those trees.
So, Elmer (I think that’s the head elf’s name), sees his comerades working under conditions that would make Kathy Lee blush, and goes to the Keebler CEO to complain.

Next day, all the elves who were unhappy have vanished, and the cookies are tasting funny.

Keebler, by making its cookies look like its workers, is giving itself an easy way to supress uprisings. It’s elf exploitation to the highest degree!

But I don’t think it stops there. With an army of slave elves at its disposal, there’s no limit to what Keebler can do! I am now firmly convinced that Keebler is at the root of every problem in the world, and am working feverishly to prove it. I will update as I find information, but any help is welcome. We must band together to stop Keebler from taking over the world! Fight the CEO!!!

Okay, so it’s possible that the meat on my sandwich was a bit past the expiration date. But if it was, then it’s KEEBLER’S FAULT!!!

JOIN THE ANTI-KEEBLER-ALLIANCE (aka, well, AKA), FOR THE FREEDOM OF ELVES AND PEOPLE EVERYWHERE!!

2

Murmurs, whispers, sidelong glances.
Say, has anybody seen Steve?
Hush!
Shush!
Steve’s not here! No Steve! There NEVER WAS a Steve!!
Besides, do you want THEM to notice you…

What darkness lurks
in the Fudgeshop.

3

If you examine the printing on their packages very carefully, you’ll find evidnece that they are secretly owned by the American Communist Party. I dare say no more here.

4

The post which you have just read was written by a mad man. A man completly obsessed with the destruction of Keebler and all it’s offiliates. He has created a whole organization gor that purpose!
And I am his second-in-command.
Yes, that’s right. When he was kidnapped by Keebler’s henchman and tortured inside one of those giant trees, who helped him escape? I did.
Who has suported his through each and every one of his recruitment tours, making sure nobody tried to assasinate him? I did.
Who has cheered for him when he found a way to link the Keebler corporation, the aliens, Republicans, and Regis Philbin all together in one, glorious, alphabetical rant?! I did!
And who has gotten not one bit of recognition from this man, this “leader of the people”? I think you see where I’m going with this.
I have stood in the shadows while he has received all the fame and glory of the AKA Underground.
It’s MY research and deep undercover work that has gotten him all of his information. I planted myself as a spy in the “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” enterprise, risking bodily injury to myself, just so he could make that connection.
I’ve been scraping and clawing harder than he has over the years, and how does he repay me?
He shipped me off to his west coast branch.
Well, boyo, I’m back, and this time, it’s personel!<maniacle laughter>
Watch your back, Keebler Boy!
I know where you live and I’ve seen where you sleep… and now, so have THEY!

5

[Charlton Heston]“It’s ELVES! Keebler cookies are ELVES!!!”[/Charlton Heston]

6

I stun myself with my intelligence whenever I see “ELFudge.” Because then I think - wait! It’s, like, Elf, except fudge! Dude!

But then someone as evil as my brother will point out my idiocy. He really depresses me.

7

The only thing worse than Keebler Elves is those damn Underpants Knomes!!

8

Underpants knomes?

Is that a euphemism for herpes?

9

LOL… no! It is not a euphemism for a penis either!

Underpants Knomes were in a South Park episode. They snuck into the rooms of the children while they (the children) slept and stole underpants.
The knomes took all the underpants to their lair where they had a huge operation going. I forget what it was they wanted those underpants for…

10

Step 1: acquire underpants
Step 2: ?
Step 3: profit

11

Good thing they weren’t girl scout cookies.

12

No, that’s the evilness at work! The underpants ARE Keebler elves! They’re just disguised! There is no end to what Keebler will do. Obviously, Keebler is using the stolen all of the underpants to create some sort of giant, underpants quilt, with which they will COVER UP THE SUN!!! It’s the only logical answer!!

Oh, and I have no idea who Deiket is. Probably just a Keebler double agent sent in to hurt my credibility and make all of you think that I’m just some sort of crazy guy with too much free time on my hands. Fight it!

13

Oh, yeah, I meant that the underpants KNOMES are actually Keebler elves in disguise… Not the actual underpants. I mean, God, THAT would just be silly.