Let's program a REAL guy TV network

Cafe Society
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Y’know, Spike just isn’t all that. You get past the Bond reruns, and it’s pretty durned dull. Might be a money thing. Or maybe all the other cable networks snagged up all lthe good guy TV type programming. So let’s pretend we’re network execs for a new guy TV programming channel and you have unlimited money and can snag any program you like, current or out of air date.

Just one rule. No sports. There’s already four frickin’ ESPN channels or ESPN wannabe channels on my local cable network, we don’t NEED any more frickin’ sports programming.

I thought of this while reviewing some of my old videotapes for … reasons … and I discovered that I liked the action adventure series that used to be all over the cable dial back in the late 90s a LOT more than I like what’s on nowadays. So that’s where I’ll start.

Feel free to give reasons for your picks and to propose changes that would make a program work better for guys. But don’t get silly. That’s my job.

The Lost World (Jennifer O’Dell in a leather bikini WITH DINOSAURS. Really frickin’ hard to beat.)

Xena (I know other groups have staked a claim on this one, but really, hot fighting chicks in skimpy outfits … they could just be waiting for the right guy to come along, really …)

Cleopatra 2525. Hot fighting chicks in the future. Victoria Pratt. Gina Torres. Jennifer Sky. It’s like they had the FORMULA for hotness.

Birds of Prey. Put 'em in some skimpy, sexy outfits this time and turn ON the lights when filming. Also get Oracle outta the wheelchair. You can’t see her butt if she’s sitting in a wheelchair all the time.

Dark Angel. Jessica Alba goodness. 'Nuff said.

Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. Because hey, Bruce Campbell.

VIP Pamela Anderson brings her enormous talents to TV. Goodness for all.

There’s lots more, but this’ll do for starters.

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While I agree that Dina Meyer is a beautiful woman, and while I admit I never saw the Birds of Prey TV show, to say that Oracle needs to get out of the wheelchair is missing the point of the Oracle character. As Batgirl, she was a competent, if redundant heroine – looked good in the tights, but there was nothing she could do that Batman or Nightwing can’t do better. However, as Oracle, she became a force to be reckoned with in DC Comics continuity – an information broker for superheroes, the girl with all the answers, the ultimate brain in a universe populated by detectives and super-intellects. And she’s a librarian by trade, as well as a rare portrayal of a strong, capable, sexy woman who just happens to have a disability, which makes me extra-fond of her character. It doesn’t make much sense that she’d continue to be wheelchair-bound in the same continuity where Batman recovered from a broken back and everyone and their mother walks around with body armor or cybernetics, but it makes her more unique and special just the same, and I’m fine with it.

Also, allow me to nominate She-Spies for your channel. Similar to V.I.P. and the Charlie’s Angels movies, it featured a team of three sexy female secret agents led by Natasha Henstridge, in funny, campy adventures. There was a lot of humor in the show, including constant breaking of the fourth wall, and Carlos Jacott (one of the few actors who appeared in Buffy, Angel, and Firefly as different characters) was awesome as their goofy Bosley-esque boss.

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One thing is certain. It shows nothing but porn from 11 pm until 7 am.

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I’m assuming that the rest of the time would be devoted to movies with lots of explosions and car chases, and the occasional showing of *Brian’s Song * available for catharthis purposes. :smiley:

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And the Three Stooges.

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Oops, forgot about them. But then, I’m not a guy, so I don’t have my priorities straight.

7

Maybe if she sat in a wheelchair made of transparent plastic which she could push by wiggling her butt while still keyboarding …

That was one of the ones I was thinking of. I wonder why they always have THREE hot chicks on those shows …

8

Well, we kinda run into the ESPN problem here, i.e., there already are whole channels devoted to porn.

How about this instead … using the tech described in this news article we ADD IN bom chika wow wow scenes to various TV shows and movies that DIDN’T have them before, thus making them more guy friendly. Like, how about instead of the first half of Titanic, we just had 45 minutes of bom chika wow wow between Kate Winslet and, oh, Scarlett Johansen? Or a version of “I Dream of Jeannie” where Jeannie gets it on with … the rest of the cast! INCLUDING Dr. Bellows, he looked like he could use some …

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I don’t think we’d have room for Brian’s Song what with broadcasting every last SF movie ever made, and all those adventure shows…

And oh, yeah, we’ll pick up “Blade” from Spike as well. It’s all right …

10

I’d infinitely prefer the guy who made this movie (the files are big but well worth it) be given a budget and a 26-episode committment than see Birds of Prey again, which I thought was kinda tedious.

Heck, any show where we get to see someone wag a finger in Superman’s face and yell “Stay outta this, Clark!” is worth watching.
SDMB discussion of the movie here, with spoilers.

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I want Diana Rigg in a catsuit.

Some hilarious and rude comedy.

And some cookery programs.

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Diana now, or Diana then? I don’t think she quite fills the suit the way she used to.

Rude comedy always has a place.

“30-Minute Topless Meals with Rachael Ray.”

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3 hours, every afternoon, of women’s college volleyball.

If you run it in constant slow motion, I don’t think that, technically, it’s considered “sports”.

Oh - and “Get Smart” re-runs.

14

Ooh. Good point. Then, please, not now.

Gotta watch that spitting fat. And definitely no flambé.

15

Good thought. If we’re gonna have cooking shows the cooks have to be attractive, female, and wearing a thong bikini … at most.

16

The Star Trek reruns it currently shows are probably a pretty shrewd judgment for a guy’s TV network.

Maybe some WWII history program borrowed from the History Channel – a constantly cycled run of “The World at War” for example.

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“Oops! I spilled EVOO ALL OVER MYSELF!!”

ROWR!

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I also propose a full hour special wherein snips from Maury all run back-to-back…

…and all the snips end with the words “You are NOT the father!”

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We put the guy in charge of the renovated Birds of Prey.

I think we need an SF series made by the people who made “The Nebula Rangers.” They’re not listed on the IMDB, maybe because they’re Canadian, but they did wildly imaginative SF on an incredibly tiny budget … think “Youtube video.” Only they got broadcast somehow. Think walls made out of that stuff painters use to keep paint off floors, floating hypnotic devices that consists of a dildo glued to a vacuum cleaner canister and suspended by a wire … cheap fun. But very imaginative plots. They could probably get a show in under budget.

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I demand one night a week dedicated to Jackie Chan / Jet Li / Tony Jaa flicks.

That’s pretty much all I’d add.