No kaiju – that is, no giant monsters. Why, you ask? Eat your vegetables, I answer.
Only fundamentally unreal characters may apply. That’s to rule out things like the cannibal town from a certain episode of Torchwood. Yeah, they were scary as hell, but they could have as easily been in an episode of Criminal Minds, which I refuse to talk about because, damn, that show’s sick even by Rhymer Enterprises standards.
(And here’s where we’ll argue) Assign a numerical value to how scary the monster is, on a scale of 0 to 100, where 0 is a piece of lemon meringue pie baked and given you by your mother, and 100 is going to hell and being told that your punishment is to spend an eternity having sex with Nancy Grace.
I will begin by nominating the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who. I assign them a score of 98.
My parents were married long before I was born, thank you.
Which were your first two choices? Also, you forgot to give a numerical score. I assume you’re conceding you’d rather encounter a Borg than a Weeping Angel, yes?
**Darth Vader **- at least in ANH & ESB. A 7-foot-tall-laser-sword-wielding-fanatic who can (and will) kill you by looking at you. Score: 85
ROTJ when they gave him feelings and made him into a repentant dead-beat dad. Score: 20
Eugene Tooms from X-Files. Dude was creepy as hell score 90
It’s certainly way up there for a viscerally terrifying appearance, plus really horrific reproduction. Also, it’s sneaky, and even hurting it is horribly dangerous.
On the other hand, the Thing is pretty deadly (though less so than the Alien), hits body-horror notes left and right, and beats it hands down on sneakiness. How much does inducing paranoia count, as opposed to straight-up scares?
I honestly don’t know which I’d give the lead, but they’re both in the upper 90s. Call them 96 and 97, and someone else can pick which is which.
And sorry, Skald, but while the Weeping Angels were brilliantly, creatively creepy, I can’t agree that they rank that high. The fact that they didn’t outright kill their victims is a curious factor: we know what happened to the victims, but to others in-universe, they simply disappeared. That’s creepy, especially as the missing count builds, but it doesn’t have the same impact as actually seeing the aftermath of an attack. Their camouflage is good, but rather restrictive, and their appearance can’t compete with the otherness of the Alien. Also, they can be held at bay by coordinated winking.
I give them points for the fact that the best place to retreat from them is among a bunch of snakes, but I can’t really give them any higher than an 85.
You realize you are skirting the edge of a yo-mama joke, right? I’m only warning you because you’re a Short Lister.
Let’s see … the Reavers. The comely but terrified scientist chick in the movie shot herself in the head rather than face them. No, that’s not right – she tried to shoot herself in the head. And Jayne – not Patrick Jane, Jayne COBB – could not bear to watch what happened to her next and demanded to have the recording turned off.
They’re basically rage zombies who can pilot (if dangerously) spaceships. I’m going to say they’re a 94. Far, far scarier than the Borg, who may well decided to ignore you and are in some ways easier to deal with.
What have I told you about bothering me with facts? Do you WANT to be dropped in the TylerPerryVerse?
No, that was the Weeping Angels. Fortunately I had a subdermal chronal tracker implanted in several of y’all for just this occasion.
I’m not very good at being scared, so I have to fall back on analysis. And if you drop me in another universe, you’re stuck taking care of my serpent-zombies until I get back.
Infovore, you reminded me that when I was four I watched a movie called The Crawling Eye. I think the worst part about the movie was that, after barely seeing the tentacles once or twice (with a disappearance or two), it was bedtime and I had to go to my room and lay in the dark and* listen *to my parents watching the rest of the movie.
I happened to see it as an adult. It was laughably bad.
Then: 99. Nightmares off and on for weeks.
Later: -6.
