We all can tell you didn’t go to college hillbilly queen however you lick guys poop chutes so likes not be coy.
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=103865
It’s so nice to have someone to dig up all my old threads. I hate to bump them myself.
For the right price, I would consider renting him out, if anybody’s interested.
A gem from my sophomore year Biology teacher:
“Evolution is false, because if we evolved from apes there wouldn’t be apes anymore.”
My Grandmother used to tell my Aunt that if she ate unwashed lettuce she would get “Rabbititis.”
My mother was always telling me the most unbelievable lies. Here’s a few I can think of:
[ul]
[li]“That bridge leads to the States.” (told to me when I was about eight years old and asked where a particular bridge led; even I knew it didn’t go there)[/li][li]“No, I didn’t say that!” (usually uttered five minutes after she did say the statement she was disputing)[/li][li]“You’re not a good sister because you don’t love your brother and sister” (what do you want me to do, hug them and make nice with them when we’re not that type?)[/li][/ul]
Caricci, I can relate very well to what you have described.
My mother, who used to be anorexic, seems mortally afraid of me becoming overweight. When I was a teen I was quite skinny but she kept telling me “you could be so beautiful/successful/insert word of choice if you just lost a few more pounds”.
At the age of 14 I developed a rash on my scalp and went through all kinds of allergy tests etc. My mother conspired against me with the doctor and made her tell me I was allergic to chocolate and ice cream (and similar products) in order to keep me from eating them.
To cut a long story short, this f***ed me up totally and my weight doubled within 8 years of leaving home. This really bothers her of course (she can talk about nothing else). I know that she tells people when they ask how I’m doing… “DemonSpawn is doing great, she moved to XYZ and has a well-paid job now… unfortunately she’s put on a lot of weight.”
I really get a laugh out of this most of the time, she does not mind that I am gay, but God forbid I gain weight 
One of my old friends (we’ll call her J) claimed she was pregnant 9 times within a 6-month period. I’m pretty sure it’s because when she really was preggers, everyone fawned over her. Speaking of that, for the first 8 months of the baby’s life, J would really only interact with her when she needed a bottle/diaper change/etc. When the baby wasn’t developing fast enough, J started a rumor that her ex-boyfriend had shaken the baby when he lived with them. She said that she received a doctor’s verification of this. He moved in with me shortly after that. Since I babysat the kid all the time, he was around her fairly often. He couldn’t have been sweeter or more loving to a child. J and I lost touch shortly after that. When we reunited a few months later, I asked her about the rumor. She told me that her boyfriend at the time of the rumor had put the idea in her head, and that she’d never gone to a doctor about it. She’s the type to believe any word that comes out of her man-of-the-month’s mouth. I dunno… She’s a drama queen from hell. I could go on forever with all the rants I have about her, but I won’t bore you.
Nothing too serious here.
I used to work with a guy who was smart as hell, but he told more tall tales that Baron Munchausen. He seemed obsessed with trying to convince people that he had this whole other life or lives if you combine the things he told everyone.
A short list of the stuff I can remember:
He was descended from Ethiopian Jewish royalty.
He had taught physics at Pepperdine University.
He had been a roadie for several rock acts but had done several tours with Joe Ely.
He owned a house in San Francisco, later sold it for a bundle.
He had a home recording studio in his basement (his real house didn’t even have a basement).
He once worked at McDonalds as research for an acting role, being of noble blood, he wanted to see how the common folk lived.
He once worked at a local grocery store, as a spy for another grocery store.
He had been a test pilot of experimental aircraft (this guy weighed about 270 lbs. during the time this was supposed to have happened).
He had once owned a vineyard in Vermont with a house from which he could hear the ocean. The people in Maine must all be deaf.
He was a stock broker by day, and worked in the shithole where we worked at night. It provided his “beer and sandwich money” as he put it.
He was engaged to a girl named Tracy, who three months before the wedding gave him free rein to have one-night stands with as many women as he wanted to get it out of his system before the wedding.
He told people he and I were working on a tell-all book about the place where we worked. He must have been doing all the hard work, because I didn’t even know we were writing a book. I hope he’ll let me know if it ever comes out.
He set me up on a blind date with a girl who we knew from work. I was to turn up at a local restuarant at this certain time and she would be waiting for me. I didn’t go, of course, and he swore ever after that the girl was out for my blood for daring to stand her up. :eek:
I actually kind of miss talking to the guy now.
When I was a pre-schooler, we had a collie named Lady. Then we had to get rid of her. The story my mother told me was that my younger sister was afraid of the dog and that’s why she had to go. I resented my sister for years because of that.
Turns out the dog went into heat and a neighbor dog got to it - Mom didn’t want to deal with a pregnant dog and 3 pre-schoolers, so the dog was given away. Makes me wonder what other gems I was fed over the years…
Dude, them’s some big Boys you got. I usually just wear undies.
Oh. When my third grade teacher had cancer, she chose to tell us not that but that we made her tired. So she would come in every Monday and Tuesday and I would do my best to be good, and …
She died at the end of the year. And I don’t know about the rest of my class (and quite frankly, with those jerks, I wouldn’t be surprised if a few of them made her life deliberately more difficult), but I thought I’d as much as killed her. Apparentlyn she died from cancer, not from being so tired, but nobody told me that until the end of the year. So for several months there I was, this 8-year-old, thinking it was his fault that his teacher was out so much and was so sick.
That, combined with the “you made your grandmother chase you around the kitched table and that’s why she has to use a cane” are the two worst ones I can think of at the moment. And I thought I was the reason for her cane for at LEAST seven years.
Oh really … nice to know …LOL …j/k …anyway ill get back with some stuff my friend said to me but that person comes here too and then they might start telling more lies just to cover up what i say… LOL …Oh so true… ;j
DemonSpawn,
Nide to see another Queer Doper… Howdy to ya, Thankfully my mother isnt like that …but i do know other ppls moms that would tell there children anything to mess with there minds and control there lifes …True its happening as we speak to my friend …
OOPS nide=Nice …sorry for the wasted space but as we all know we cant edit anything its all writen in stone…
Pammipoo, I share your pain. Our trust level in our boss is zero after the tall tales she’s told us, not just about important stuff but about things she doesn’t even need to lie about. Example: she came into work late a few weeks ago. We were talking about something to do with our college president, and she decided to give him a call to ask him about it. Her first words were, “Sorry I haven’t called earlier, I was in meetings all morning…”
Huh? He wasn’t expecting a call from you at 9:00 sharp! You didn’t have to tell him what you were up to at all!
Then there’s the fact that she’s missed five days with “food poisoning,” that she claimed to miss an important meeting because of “car trouble” (the car magically repaired itself), that she persistently claims credit for writing proposals that haven’t even been written yet… Sigh. See you down at the Job Center, Pammipoo.
Notice: just incase my friends see this thread …the 2 statements are about 2 different ppl…not the same person…to clear up any confusion before it happens:) 
Just to cover my a**!
Well I’m not one to brag…
I grew up believing that a lot of things were good for me, only to find out later that they are really quite unhealthy:
milk
red meat
sunshine
guilt
the Right Wing
But I guess they don’t count as lies if the tellers believe what they are saying.
TN*hippie
To be fair, though, I have lied to myself more than anyone else has.
The list would be long, but the worst lie I’ve told myself (and I’ve told it many times) is:
I’ll never do that again!
Peace,
TN*hippie
My favorite was my ex-boyfriend from high school (most of us have at least one total wack job in our pasts, so I’m just glad I got mine out of the way by the time I was 17). Whenever he didn’t call or show up when he had promised, he used to tell me, in all seriousness, that it was because he had been busy using his special super-duper ninja training to beat up a gang of coke dealers, or something along those lines.
Once he stayed home sick, and when I asked him what was wrong, he said that the aforementioned coke dealers had shot him in the chin with a curare dart, but he had miraculously lived (once again, because of his special ninja training). He even had the red dot on his chin to prove it, but I strongly suspect that it was actually a popped zit.
My second favorite lie, from the then-chair of my graduate school department: “We’re sorry you won’t have any funding for the first semester, but if you enroll and do well, nearly everyone is funded for the rest of the program.” Guess my 3.8/4.0 wasn’t good enough, then.
My mother, from about age nine (when puberty REALLY set in) until about age 15 or so, told me nearly every day that I was fat, that I needed to lose weight because I was ugly and I would never get a date because boys didn’t like fat girls.
I would have much-skinnier friends spend the night on weekends, and after they left, my mom would compare us.
“See, Lindsey only ate half her sandwich, you ate all of yours. That’s why you’re fat. That’s why she’s pretty and popular and you’re not.”
Mom was THRILLED when I went through my bout of anorexia in junior high. Of course, dropping vast amounts of weight in a short time period is NORMAL, Mom. :rolleyes:
Needless to say, there’s a lot of tension between us for that, along with other things she did to me over the years.
From an ex-boyfriend: “What? I would never do that! I never tried to tell people that you’re a bitch, and I would never set up my friends to hate you!”
He was still spreading false rumors about me 2 years after we broke up (from a 3-week relationship, mind you). Loser.