No Strings Attached
I’m in much the same situation as the OP, except he gets 15%, which is 15% more than I do. Mrs. Cake’s suggestion is how I deal with it. I don’t like it, but it’s better than nothing.
The problem becomes the source material…it’s not really healthy to spend so much time with internet pr0n. It starts to remind you how many people are getting what you’re not.
+1
Declan
Okay, but, your wife wants you to be happy, right? She’s not withholding sex because of some grudge, or to make a power play, or anything? You’re still married, so obviously some parts of the marriage work. What reason would she have for denying you permission to sleep with someone else, safely and discreetly? You’d be happy because of sex, she’d probably be happy that you’re getting what you want and wouldn’t have to feel bad about denying you sex.
The OP has kids and has said that he cares about his wedding vows. Both of those things are reasons not to create that kind of chaos in the family. I think it’s inappropriate to keep proselytizing this crap. Fidelity matters a lot to some people.
I dunno about that. I love my husband and I want him to be happy, but if I KNEW he was shagging Kristy the hot waitress girl down the street (even with permission) I would be seriously unhappy.
Some basic reasons I can think up offhand:
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I’m his wife, I damn well should be the one making him happy. If I can’t, that’s still not going to make me not feel like I *should *be. Here’s me feeling guilty.
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What if, while Kristy the waitress is getting his rocks off, they start talking about stuff, and she ends up really enjoying being in his company, and vice versa? What do I do then? She’s got the nookie to offer him; all I’ve got are (in this situation) a post-pregnancy body, a set of occasionally-annoying twins, and no sex drive. Here’s me now being depressed about their emotional connection.
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What if Kristy has a disease and lies about it? I do still want sex occasionally, but I’d not feel truly safe unless he got tested regularly, but I would feel like a shrew to insist on it. Here’s me feeling shrewish and hypersensitive.
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What if he likes Kristy’s technique more than mine? Ditto the occasional sex cravings, but now I get to feel insecure about the times when I do want it - which will make me less interested in sex with him after all. Here’s me feeling unfulfilled and competitive with someone who outmatches me.
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What if the neighbors/church people/family finds out? That would look very bad, and we can’t just say - oh, it’s ok, I told him he could. Everyone would believe that I was lying, and expect divorce proceedings. (This one may vary wildly by location.) Here’s me socially embarrassed and possibly divorced.
Now, compare all those feelings against knowing that my husband is getting sex more often, and is therefore “happier” and I can see where that tradeoff isn’t going to appeal to all wives everywhere.
Speaking personally, cheating on my wife (even if she were, in some alternate universe, to give permission) would ultimately make me unhappy. It would be disloyal to my family for no real gain except to bust a nut.
I would also say that just because somebody isn’t getting as much sex as they would like in a marriage doesn’t mean they’re not happy. Defining happiness as synonomous with having enough orgasms strikes me as rather immature.
I just don’t get what’s so difficult for a wife (or husband) who, 1) knows their libido is unusually low, and 2) knows their spouse is unhappy about it–
To just bite the fucking bullet and go down on their partner at least. It’s a pretty small inconvenience really, and to not offer that is pretty damn thoughtless.
Because most people won’t be happy if they or their partner is having sex with someone else.
Look, I’m poly. I spent 10 years in an open marriage. I have absolutely nothing against polygamy or open marriages, and I agree with your logic. But people aren’t logical - as they say, you can’t reason a person out of an idea they didn’t reason themselves into.
It’s clear to me that most people are not poly by nature. Some people try to convince themselves, logically, that they’re poly, but when push comes to shove, they’re not happy - because they’re not really poly emotionally and sexually, only logically.
Most people are serial monogamists, many people are cheaters (that is, give 'em permission and they’re not interested; they get their jollies from secrecy, danger and betrayal) and a few people are lifebonded monogamists. I think the number of truly poly people is probably about the same as lifebonded monogamists.
Your advice would be spot on if you had any reason to believe that the OP and his wife are truly poly, but you don’t. Statistically, it’s pretty likely they aren’t, and pushing an open marriage as the solution to their problem is…problematical. It makes as much sense as selling a bald man shampoo.
A significant part of sex is enjoying the pleasure you are giving the other person. If she’s really not into it, and just going along to allow me to get my rocks off, that’s not good either.
Well, this is a problem. Either you’re not making it clear to her how much this makes you miserable (and yes, it’s fairly serious – the kind of disparity you’re talking about can erode a relationship to death), or she’s unwilling to live up to her half of the relationship and take your feelings seriously. I have no idea which one it is from where I sit, but you probably do. If you want things to get better (not just for yourself, but healthwise for her, and for your relationship), you might consider a real come-to-jesus conversation about this.
Small things can become big things over time if they’re not dealt with. Imagine a couple years from now if you’re still not satisfied, she’s still unwilling to deal with it, and the temptation to “do something about it” is that much greater than it is now. Neglecting this is neglecting your relationship, no matter how good it is for now.
You’ve nailed exactly my situation as well. It’s extremely depressing.
I’d say the OP’s case is one where professional marriage counseling might be a good idea. This is a problem that can only be solved within the marriage, through negotiation and communication - and truthfully, maybe not even then.
Easy there Dio. Nashiitashii and I are in a semi open marriage and we have a perfectly wonderful relationship. There is more than one narrow definition of a healthy marriage. For us, Consent is the key factor. Initially we started with a rather narrow exception of the occasional and rare third partner. Now it seems to stand at extra partners are okay provided we are honest about them and we give our consent to one another. It seems rather immature to me to define the entirety of a complex and emotionally intense relationship based upon little more than which penis goes in what vagina. Sex can be an expression of love, it can also be just fun. Sometimes it’s fun to play with other people, but we don’t love them, or share an emotional bond.
I was talking about the attempt to proselytize people who aren’'t interested in it. It’s also laughable to try to characterize marital fidelity as "immature.
So is dismissing an ignored sex-drive. I don’t know what the ultimate solution is, perhaps it’s realizing when I get bitchy, it’s because - like clockwork - it’s been about 4 weeks since we did anything last and the porn’s not cutting the mustard anymore. And then not be confrontational about it, because we know what it is.
Lest y’all get the wrong idea, she DOES lie back and think of England enough that we’re in a middle-ground truce. I’d say she climaxes about 33% of the time, so it’s not like she’s completely dysfunctional, she’s just got a much lower libido. She cares deeply for me, and there really isn’t a whole lotta divisive drama in our marriage. My original statement was (and still remains) if there were a quality way of relieving that itch within the bounds of our marriage, that’d be a heckuva deal.
It also makes me look at the OTHER relationship truisms (The Cuckhold, The Mistress, the redheaded stepchild, The travelling salesman, The postman) that there’s something to longterm relationships with a libido mismatch.
Good because I didn’t do so. Fidelity is described firstly as : " Faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support." Only secondly in usage to refer to sexual exclusivity. For those of us that do not place sexual fidelity as a lynchpin above all others, Fidelity to one’s spouse is not in question. Our marriage is built upon love, trust, support and caring for one another above all others. Sex, while an expression of love, is not the only, nor the most important way of demonstrating that fidelity. It’s a commitment to never share THAT special relationship with another. People have the right to evaluate their own relationships and discuss changing, or redefining the meaning and extant of their vows to one another. What you rather derisively refer to as proselytizing is really just someone trying to make it clear that there is a solution to this problem, one that requires serious discussion, and a healthy relationship with one’s spouse to implement.
The phrase, “marital fidelity” refers to sexual fidelity.
I think this is a crock of self-serving, rationalizing bullshit, but I’m not interested in debating it, nor do I have any interest in stopping it. Your attempt to characterize marital fidelity as “immature” remains risible, and trying to change the definition of “fidelity” doesn’t make it less so.
It’s inappropriate to try to push couples with no interest in other sex partners to bring in other sex partners. It’s sure as hell no “solution” to their marital problems and it’s simply bad manners to keep proselytizing it. Why does it bother you for people to be monogamous? Why do you feel the need to talk them out of it?
FTR, I didn’t take exception to an open marriage, had mentioned it had been discussed, and dismissed it as a bad idea. I think there are LOTS of sexual peccadilloes out there that are more pervasive than the white-picket-fence, 2.5 kids and a dog idea of the nuclear family.