Are. You doing your CBT exercises?
Hi Quasimodal.
My life was not much different from yours ten years ago. I was in and out of depressions for almost all of my 30’s. So I can really relate to your expiriences and feelings. The most important thing to know is: It doesn’t have to stay that way and life can change for the better. I know that too.
You don’t want to use medicine to help you, but it can be very helpfull. I know it is a big topic and many people have very different and strong feelings about it. Someone said “I rather take medicine than feel like shit” and I agree. What I found was that it helped me to relax my mind and give that little surplus which would give me a better overview over my overall life situation. With that I could begin to change my overall lifesituation!!!
So I figured out something to improve my life like and this have happened during the last ten years and not overnight: changing my career, found a nicer place to live, lost 40 kilos, began to workout, found out that I love traveling, change the company I work in to one with a healthier mental work environment and along the way I met a wonderfull girl who became my girlfriend.
I still love to live a my own “cave”, to read, listen to music or just watch something on TV by myself. But it is because I enjoy it, and not because it is a way to avoid the rest of the world.
So, that was my inspiratinal story.
Well I’ve called my therapist for an appointment. I will talk it over with her.
I’ve tried so many things. Running, changing jobs 3 times (not careers though), yoga, healthy eating, unhealthy eating, kettlebells, dance…etc
I’m feeling extra crushed tonight. While I got a good job review (or at least a satisfactory one), one of the comments was
“Is a very talented teacher who at times lacks confidence in his abilities”
Sounds about right. It hurts to read though because it’s true. Why can’t I find confidence in myself despite all I do to be healthy, fit, educated, skilled at music, etc?
Maybe I need pills.
Because being healthy, fit, educated, and talented-- all great qualities-- is not the same then thing as being centered and emotionally balanced.
This is a pattern I’ve seen in your posts. You have a tendency to substitute external goals for emotional ones.
In order for things to change, with or without medication, you will need to eventually engage with your emotional life. And it will be messy, fraught work that will require you to feel very deeply and become very, very vulnerable. It won’t be neat and systematic and goal-oriented. It won’t be a mountain you can steadily conquer.
And learning to manage vulnerability will have a good impact across your life. I suspect it is what is affecting your romantic life- vulnerability is so essential to connecting emotionally. And it affects teaching, too. Learning, and therefore teaching, is emotional work. Opening a mind to new ideas rewrites building trust, and building trust requires showing vulnerability.
See as an outsider I see this as an affirmation of yourself. It says that you have the skills but you need to improve confidence. I’d take that any day my friend because it means you control your destiny.
You asked for a little inspiration so I’ll share a little here: back in 2008 my world fell apart; wife asked for divorce and left with kids, work cut back and I had to take a pay cut; lost the home of my dreams to short sale; then entered and exited another marriage that seriously damaged my relationships with friends, family and children. By 2011 I was reduced to living in a tiny cottage owned by a friend with what little I now owned crammed about me.
I was a tad low…
But I looked at it and took stock: where am I, what do I have, what do I need to do, where do I want to go? I was (relatively) healthy, still had my job, damaged relations weren’t totally broken, and my goal was to recover. So I set to it.
I repaired my relationships by direct conversation and direct apologies - even to my young children. No excuses, I screwed up. These situations healed pretty quick and we’re doing fantastic.
Work was steady and I redoubled my efforts, volunteering for extra duties, learning new skills, etc. I’ve since been promoted twice and I’m playing a bigger role there now.
At home I stayed in this tiny place rebuilding my finances, paying off every debt, and restarting my financial future.
Without going into too much detail I can only say it worked, everything is falling into place. I will be able to move soon, my children are planning to rejoin me in a few years to go to college where I live, and every metric of my happiness is being met.
One of the most important things I always kept in mind is this:
In this huge world of ours there are many people who have already dealt with the very thing I am going through. Many of them have succeeded. Not only can I succeed too, but my goal is to discover what they did, learn from it and use that to succeed myself. In this way I’m not actually alone, having traveled in the footsteps of others.
Which is what you are doing here too by reaching out. You can succeed and feel better. Others have done it so can you. The well traveled paths are before you, and you are asking about for directions.
You are already on the right track.
I’m going to share a story too, which I’m hoping you may find encouraging.
I was raised in a very dysfunctional family filled with issues, lots of drama, etc. My parents did seek psychiatric help but it was the sixties, antidepressants were the latest cure all ! Both of my parents died addicted to those drugs. And since the drug therapy was considered enough, in many ways they weren’t even addressing the issues, just trying to medicate them away in my opinion.
I was left with a more than healthy hatred for Dr’s and therapists who reach for their prescription pad. Any therapist I saw who did so, never saw me again. I would rather white knuckle it and push through on my own, thank you very much! And I did. It wasn’t easy, and I had a lot of good people help me, but with a lot of work, I made my way to solid mental health and healthy relationships. Yay me!
So in my fifties, a hypertension episode lands me in hospital and, on release, I enter their smoking cessation program. But I struggled on the Champix, it wasn’t working for me. And I was growing more depressed with each failed attempt. They switched me to Wellbutrin, a drug originally produced as an antidepressant. This was in September I think.
I did quit smoking, and once back in the care of my own Dr, remarked on how differently I’d experienced winter. I am seasonally affected, perhaps a titch more than most, winter is hard on me. I tend to hibernate, and often grow depressed as I struggle to accomplish the tasks I set for myself. I can make it through, and clearly have found ways to cope, but I can’t deny I struggle through those months. I was just very used to it.
The Wellbutrin changed all of that! I was still seasonally affected, but less so. I wasn’t inclined to slip into a depression and WAS more able to stick to my goals, accomplish things and feel much better about myself. With ease actually.
I was understandably hyper conscious of how it affected my quickness of mind, etc. And honestly, if there was any difference at all, it was an improvement. After joking that I might consider quitting smoking every year, we had a serious conversation about my past objections and my current experience.
It was time to admit maybe that hard ‘anti antidepressant’ line had to move a little. (Yes, we discussed addiction and how all evidence indicates I’m not so inclined!) And so, I have been on it since. And to be honest, I feel a little bit a fool for having waited so long. I suffered through a lot of winters unnecessarily. It has made a very subtle, yet remarkably life enhancing, change in how I am in the world.
I should not have been so hard headed, all those years. I thought I was protecting myself from a demon that was coming for me, but I was wrong.
Please consider seeing your doctor for an anti depressant. There really is nothing to be afraid of, and all you have to lose is your depression. They have a lot of choices these days, I’m pretty certain they can find one that just suits your needs.
(If I asked you to carry a heavy, heavy thing for me, you wouldn’t hesitate if I offered you a wheelbarrow. Tools are tools. There for you to use!)
We’re hear to listen. You’re not alone. Wishing you great Good Luck going forward.
I have been dealing with depression for over 40 years. I have nothing inspiring to say, what I do have is a link to a web comic.
The author, with his art & words gives voice to many things people with depression deal with/go though that can be hard to explain to love ones, and even to yourself. I have link to this comix before.
Take Care
Jason