Like a bird from the prison walls she's flown..

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Over the last almost 6 years I have, as some of you may recall, cared for my bedridden Mother In Law, Emmy in our home. It was a remarkable journey, which has now, sadly come to an end.

Emmy passed Thurs afternoon and was buried Monday. The journey we took together challenged us both. It tested every fiber of my body, spirit and faith, as it must have surely for her. The experience we shared taught me so much about who I really am and the relationship between love and strength.

In the course of our journey there were times when she brought us to the brink, Death comes dancing only to spectacularly bounce back against all odds. Even at the end when the decline came sudden and fast, as she lingered the professionals kept saying, “It won’t be long now.”, and I’d think, “Yeah, you don’t know her.” At some of my darkest moments on this journey I came here, to the Dope, reaching out from my small shut in world. And each time your tenderness and lovingkindness helped to carry me through.

For a brighter moment in our journey there was this post,Joy sneaks up .

And then there was the thread who’s name I cannot bring myself to type, gulp.
Orig Post , and here ,again .

Her loving family swarmed into town and gave us strength, shepperding us through the vistations and funeral. The formalities and rituals, I could not have made it through without the strength they lent. But now comes the hardest part, I am, understandably all off my bearings, confused and unable to focus on anything for too long. I know this will pass and a new normal will come. For right now however, the sky has fallen in my world, the taste of life has lost all it’s sweet.

Understandably the funeral was all about the vibrant life she enjoyed before her stroke, and no one really wanted to celebrate the 6 years she was with us. I understand, really , I do, she was a wife and a mother and so much more. But I want the world to know that her time with us was worth celebrating too. I am going to hold my own little ritual at her grave I think, maybe when I’m a little more composed.

Throughout our journey many people preached balance to me, a valuable and important lesson, no doubt. I struggled so hard, in the first years, to find it and to not let caring for Emmy consume my whole life. But, try as I did, caring for her became my life and who I was. Which explains why I’m the walking wounded at the moment. Loving her, fussing over her, and her care were who I was. Who am I now I wonder?

I knew all along there was only one end to the journey, but my heart aches.

It was a great blessing for us, to be able to care for her, as challenging as it was. Few people have lives that can accomodate the amount of adaptation that this level of care requires, we were very, very lucky that we could.

At the funeral I somehow managed to entirely block out that they were going to, at some point, close the box. I’m not quite sure how this detail escaped me but it did, when they drew the curtain and the casket was closed it felt like someone had hit me.

I’m sorry if this is all disjointed, but then, so am I.

I know this is neither mundane nor pointless but I wanted to share this with you as you have so often been a good friend to me.

2

Crap, I screwed up my second attempt at hot linking, sigh :mad:

The titles of those threads should be:

Death Comes Dancing To The Door

Sometimes the joy just sneaks right up

And,

I pit being a caregiver. (very, very, heavy sigh)

3

elbow, I remember reading your “I pit being a caregiver” thread. I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry that your time together wasn’t celebrated. I hope that you have the opportunities now to do some of the things you couldn’t while you were taking care of Emmy. Hugs.

4

I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I completely understand how caught up in your role you can get, and how at a loss you must feel.

Best wishes.

5

You have my deepest admiration for the hard road you have taken.

That said…the thread title made me think there was an escaped & befuddled geriatric on the loose!

6

Peace will come, with time and love, elbows. I admire the courage of caregivers.

7

elbows I’m so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. What you did for Emmy was the greatest thing anyone can do for somebody else, in my opinion. It’s understandable you feel at a particular loss right now, your routine of the past several years is no more. Caregiving is one of the toughest things to do. Remember the good times with Emmy. I think your own private ritual at her grave when you feel up to it is appropriate and will give you some of the closure you seek right now. Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings. Of course, we welcome you to express them here, but if in a reasonable amount of time you still feel at a loss as to what to do, please consider professional counseling. It can do a world of good. In time you will be able to find lots of other stuff to do. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.

8

“Who am I now I wonder?”

A pretty amazing, giving person, one who’s warmth some of us can aspire to. I was moved before reading Sometimes the joy just sneaks right up and, again, now with your words above.

You’re a dear person, elbows.

9

I am sorry for your loss. Sending supporting thoughts your way.

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many, many hugs You done real good, elbows.

11

elbows, like Kythereia said, you done good.

Rest a while. Post your feelings here.

We’re all listening.

12

Any volunteers to fix my coding?

I’m not up to it, but I so wanted to include connections to the words I’ve shared with you about our journey as the years passed.

Without the links my post is all about her death instead of our journey together.

And one more important post about our journey together and the value of the Dope in that journey, would be a thread entitled “What people ask you” Post #80.

Let me just see if third time’s a charm,
What people ask you

Thank you in advance computer God and Goddesses!

13

My condolences for your loss.

Let’s try these:

Death Comes Dancing to the Door

And sometimes the joy sneaks right up on you.

I pit being a caregiver !

14

may her memory be eternal.

your post reminds me of what many say after years of caregiving. “it is eerily quiet and empty.” the quiet can be overwhelming. be good to yourself, it is time for you to be a caregiver for elbows.

15

She passed in the afternoon, it was several hours before I would let them come for her. She looked so at peace. The time flew by. Maybe I just needed an eight hour stretch where I didn’t have to do something horrid to her. Like spoon feed her crushed morphine tablets, coaching her through each swallow, poking her, prodding her, repositioning her.

As the time neared for them to take her, my friend and I went out into what was now late on a very dark and blustery night, and, in the rain, we spread flower petals on both sidewalks to the house for Emmy’s last journey from our home. God how I love my best friend.

It was extremely disconcerting to surrender her body. A body I have washed and creamed, fussed over and tended for so long, suddenly given over to the care of strangers. I have a new understanding of news stories, which appear from time to time, someone living with the body of their long dead loved one. Apparently I have what it takes to be that person, who knew?

The evening of the funeral, the blustery storm still howling, I awoke in the middle of the night to a terrible crashing. I was up and rushing through the darkened house, the storm door on the front porch nearly being blown off it’s hinges, and for one moment I thought, “Emmy’s back, and she’s pissed!”

I have not done a load of laundry in four days. Today I washed the mortar and pestle I used to crush 17 pills every day. I have enough left over meds to open my own pharmacy. I can hardly eat and it will be one week tomorrow. It’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep. I haven’t cooked my poor husband a meal in, well, a week I guess. When he went off to work today I put the stereo on so loud I thought the siding might shake off the house.

I didn’t mind the blustery and stormy weather for the first few days, it was pretty much a reflection of how my world felt, so it suited me. But, man, I’m ready for some sunshine and a dose of spring. Yard work would be a great pleasure to me just now.

Thanks for listening and for all your kind words, I’m feeling a little better and think I might make some tea.

G’night.