“Daddy, stop that!” said Charlie, “Mummy says it makes you go blind.”
From The Little A-Z Picture Book:
F is for Felching
Once upon a time there was a little black boy, and his name was Little Black Sambo. And his mother was called Black Mumbo. And his father was called Black Jumbo . . .
Ooh, that image is going in the Spank Bank…
There is a Children’s category of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest which finds the worst possible opening sentence to a hypothetical novel. (Along with other categories like: purple prose, sci-fi, vile pun, in dubious taste, and others) This was my contribution that was published. Find the books, they’re incredible!
Pretty Percy Pig and Jolly Molly Moo-Cow enjoyed watching the sunshiny green meadows and cheerful sparkling streams of Pleasant Acres from the back of Farmer Brown’s new apple-red truck on their way to the Rainbow Valley Meat Packing Company.
“Dad,” said Nathaniel. “You really oughta drink more.”
And so Mom told Bruce, “Playing on the railroad tracks is fun.”
“Peter, let’s light our farts!” “But I don’t have gas.” “That’s okay…I have a can of gasoline right here.”
“I’ll help you get it out, Brian. But now you know why only girls wear tampons.”
“I’m sorry, Junior. Mister Smith is your new daddy now. See what he gave me for you? $2000 and this rock of crack.”
Mom tiptoed in the room to turn off the light, and noticed that Johnny had put all the things that were important to a little boy in his “Treshur Box” for the night: a rock with a real fossil, a broken shoelace, a Matchbox car with only three wheels, a pack of Camels, and Johnny’s trusty Zippo.
“For my recitation, Miss Smith,” Billy said, “I memorized what I was reading last night: ‘Jack Daniels Old No. 7 Tennesee Sour Mash Whiskey…’”
Harr, mateys, there we were, thirty days out of Barcelona with nothing to amuse us but a dead monkay, and the Captain said, “Throw another bucket of sea water on her, boys, she’ll be good for another round.”
I used to have that book! It is SO UNBELIEVABLY RACIST, especially the way all the black characters have black perfectly round heads and huge red lips. IIRC, they spoke really strangely too.
Lucky Charms
“…And if you don’t live your life exactly how the big man in the sky tells you to, you will burn in hell for ever and ever and ever.”
Oh, wait - that’s in some book already isn’t it.
Despite the stereotypically African-sounding names, this story is actually set in India, you know. More recent editions of the book have illustrations that make this more clear.
“Oh, Mr. President, what is that?” Asked Cindy.
" This thing? It’s just my cigar. Do you smoke, Cindy? I won’t tell your parents if you want to take a few puffs."
“One day, the Big Red Wolf went to the first little capitalist pig’s house…”
“And once Billy learned the power of his magic fire-stick, no one was mean to him ever again.”
“Little Joey learned an important lesson that day- never bet it all on a 99-1 shot just because of the potential payoff.”
“About the Author: Jack Chick is…”
“And so Vito ‘The Hook’ Cazzaletto strangled the stoolie with piano wire, and everybody lived happily ever after.”
“It was Susie’s first time in the Big City. She saw many things there that she had never seen before. But the most beautiful thing of all were the women walking around with very bright clothing and a lot of makeup. Susie decided that when she got older, she wanted to be just like them.”
“‘I’m late, I’m late!’ the White Rabbit kept moaning.
‘Who gives a fuck?’, Alice shot out between breaths, ‘I’m coming.’”
“What would the Man in the Yellow Hat do if he was hit by a thrown piece of crap? George was curious.”
“After the poacher sawed off his tusks, Barbar, King of the Elephants, lived for 15 hours before bloodloss from the bullet wound finally finished him. Of course, Jean-paul the vulture could not be expected to wait that long . . .”
“Mr. Worm slammed his single boot into the back of Mr. Racoon’s head, smashing his face into the broken glass.”
“But heroin is really good!” said Mr. Happy. “If you’d only try it, Mr. Bounce, you’d feel much better.”
“But why are you bringing me here in the middle of the night?” Ramona didn’t like it when her sister treated her like a child. She was, after all, almost 17 and and a half years old.
“Well, it’s really very simple,” Beezus said, smiling in a way Ramona had never seen before. “Henry is here with me. He wants to show you something. And I’m going to help.”
Man, I’m going to hell for that last one . . .
–
“Bring on the whimsey!”
Have you ever dreamed of winning a Darwin award? We’ll show you how you can make your dream come true!
The scarlet fever had left Mary blind. While helping Ma wash the dishes, Laura smiled as she thought of all the ways she could pay Mary back for being the good, sweet sister in the little house.
…and so, Mr Turtle having won the race, he met with the assassin in a dark alley and strangled him to death, leaving a headless, handless body for the authorites to find. After all, one could not leave the killer of Mr Rabbit alive, now could one? The Turtle’s laugh echoed evilly in the dark alley…
And then Johnny realized that even though Grandma had gone up to heaven, she would always be with him. He clawed at the coffin lid and screamed, but no one came.
And as the boy sat on the stump of the tree, she still loved the boy. But he was a selfish jerk, so she gave him one final thing: a splinter in his behind. Since the boy was old and shaky, he couldn’t remove the splinter, so it got infected and he died of blood poisoning. And the tree was happy.
Juan didn’t want a little brother. Juan liked being the center of attention!
Juan knew there were people in the big, rich countries who did want their little children. But, sometimes, those little children were very, very sick. They needed organ transplants to live.
Juan knew of a way where everyone could be happy!
“Would you like to pet the baby reindeer I have in my pocket?” Santa asked little Timmy when he hopped in his lap.
Of course! Jenny thought. It is my fault my parents are crack addicts!
Waitaminute! Thought Rachel, are bones supposed to stick out your body like that?
“I wonder whose fingers those could be on the floor? Well, I don’t see anyone else here, so they must be mine!”
Suicide is painless. (two points to whomever gets the reference for this one)
“Your honor, my client…” (It doesn’t matter what comes after this, just the thought of a lawyer being in a kid’s book gives me the willies!)
Billy picked up his flamethrower and began setting fire to things.
“Have you ever spent time in a Turkish prison?” (I’d give two points for that ref, but it’s too freakin’ obvious!)