Let me tell you about how my son crosses the road.
The Small Boy is a little under two years old. Family rules are that you hold hands crossing the road till you’ve proven you can be trusted not to, but you don’t have to on the footpath.
So here’s a scenario from a couple of days ago. We’re walking back from dropping off the Taller Girl at school, and we’re on the opposite corner from home - two roads to cross.
Me: “Hand for the road” [sticks out hand]
Him: [turns around and starts running in the opposite direction]
Me: [brings him back, points him at the road] “Hand”
Him: [turns around and starts running in the opposite direction]
Me: [brings him back, points him at the road] “Hand”
Him: [sits down in the gutter]
Me: [stands him up again]
Him: [runs away in a different opposite direction]
…
I’ll spare you the rest. It took half an hour to cross two roads, and even then I had the other hand wrapped around his waist to stop him running away. Normally, by the way, I would just insist he sit in the stroller for that exact reason.
This is him walking with his dad last night.
Dad: “Hand for the road”
Son: [puts hand in Dad’s, trots happily across the road, drops hand on reaching footpath]
What’s up with THAT? I don’t remember ever having that issue with the girls. I’ve noticed a similar thing at bedtime too, he kicks up about three times the fuss when I put him in bed as when his dad does (and that’s a lot of fuss)
Is this a boy thing? A couple of other mums of boys have shared with me that the same sort of thing happens to them. Or was I just lucky the first two times?
I have two boys - 6 & 3. My oldest went through a phase like that at about that age. Only had eyes for Daddy and would only do things that his dad asked him to do. Now he doesn’t listen to either of us! Ha! He has always had a very (self-imposed) strict view of gender roles and differences. He comes up with the most outrageously sexist statements (“That woman must be here at the mall because her husband drove her here. Women don’t have their own jobs or money and they aren’t allowed to have cars.” - said to me, while I was driving him through the mall parking lot ???). I have no idea where he comes up with this stuff. Neither my husband nor I have these views and he has a LOT of female role models who don’t fit into his “world view.” It’s something we work on with him.
My younger son never went through that stage (at least, not yet) and is actually more responsive to me than my husband. Interestingly, he is completely oblivious to “girl stuff” vs. “boy stuff.” The other day, he was given a choice between a Cars plate and a Disney Princess plate…he chose the princesses, because he likes the color purple. My oldest son nearly had a heart attack.
When he was younger, **trusquirt **sometimes had shades of the same behaviour. I have for a good while now been following a policy of “never repeat/ask three times”. If he does not comply after 2 requests, I physically MAKE him comply. This is usually loud and not pleasant for him, although I never hit. My wife would try to reason longer, which, with a toddler, can have varying levels of success. As a result, he would often listen to me much more promptly than to my wife, although this had corrected itself the last 2 to 3 years. My wife has gotten a bit firmer, and he is more open to listening to reason.
Could this child’s father be a bit quicker on the enforcement trigger than you? Little kids are experts at *precisely *mapping out boundaries and their variations according to the grown-up involved, the place & time, and other circumstances.
Would guess you’ve hit the nail on the head. I have three children and a grandson and there’s no way it has ever or it will ever take me a half an hour to get them across a road safely. They’re quite portable at that age.
My son (youngest) was far more active than his sisters when he was little. It took some getting used to, realizing that while a reasonable request to the girls would beget a reasonable response, my son was a completely different animal. I had to be much firmer, consistent and on top of the situation with him at all times. It was quite exhausting, especially since I had him late in life.
Number Two Nephew was a colicky baby, for almost the first year of his life. My brother basically stayed up with him almost every night, carrying him around to quiet him. Ever since, Number Two has been daddy’s boy, and accepts no substitutes. Although he’ll recognize that mom has her uses, he’ll ignore her when he never would his dad.
He’s five now, and I think he’s actually scheming so that mom will take care of his 1 yo sister and his big brother…
the funny thing is, he’s actually not, generally “Daddy’s boy” - he tends to prefer me for cuddles and games. Just not majoring in doing what I say …grrrr
I will admit to being slightly more of a pushover than the spouse … still, it never manifested itself quite so dramatically with the girls. It just makes me wonder if boys are more sensitive to “alpha” status
Yeah. You’re kind of teaching your kid that your time isn’t important and your instructions are more like suggestions than imperatives. If he doesn’t want to cross the street, you won’t force him to, you’ll just gently encourage him to until he’s good and ready.
He’s probably playing you off against his father. I’m always amazed at the very slight things kids pick up on. This was an episode of Leave It To Beaver, June made Beaver go to the store instead of hanging out with Wally and Eddie, and then Beaver started playing up to Ward and giving June the cold shoulder.
well, it may blow your mind then to learn that that’s not my general technique - it was an experiment in copying my husband
:eek:
Normally he’s the “yes we may have to wait for the heat death of the universe but you WILL complete the task I have set for you, and I am more stubborn than you” one, and I’m the “want freedom? Then cooperate. No cooperation, no freedom” one. So every other occasion, with me it would go
[holds out hand]
[boy runs away]
[boy caught, stuffed in stroller kicking and screaming, seatbelt on, not let out till the end of the trip]
But apparently that wasn’t teaching the boy anything either
You’re letting him walk all over you. He’s jerking you around because he can.
You have to show the kid who’s boss.
By doing what you were doing, you’re teaching him that he can control you. Not okay. By strapping him in the stroller, you’re not teaching him that he has to listen to you.
Teaching someone to do as you ask is easy if you’re in control of the consequences. And you are.
The steps are simple.
Ask for action.
Repeat request, warning of punishment if child does not comply.
Punish.
For a younger child or one just learning something new, you can maybe ask twice before giving the punishment warning, or do a “count of three” thing between steps 2 and 3, but the basics are the same.
Appropriate punishments vary by age and child. Have some punishment ideas ready. I found that taking away a favorite toy for a short period of time was a good one when my son was young.
It’s not as much of a male/female thing as an alpha/beta/omega thing.
He’s 20 months old. I figure any punishment has to come within about 10 seconds, or why bother, right?
We use the taking a toy thing all the time. It’s a wonderful punishment … when there’s an actual toy around. Which there’s not. So that’s out.
Honsetly, in the middle of the footpath, where there’s just us and we have to keep going, I can only think of ONE option. But it would give at least half the board conniptions, so let’s not go there.
By the way, did you miss the part where he doesn’t like it when I strap him down? How does that not count as a consequence? I’ve realised, mind you, that I could beef this one up by letting him out in front of every road, then putting him straight back in when he baulks. That would step up the learning opportunities by about 6 times.
Sorry, but this thread is hilarious to me. Anyone who tries to reason with a toddler deserves whatever they get. They’re just little impulse-driven mischief machines at that age. It’s the adults’ job to simply keep them alive until they can reason.
My kids (two sons, one daughter) seem to obey me more than their mother, which I believe is due to two things:
There seems to me a “pshychoanalytic” period two year olds go through, when they have to break the very very close bonds with their mother, which gives this kind of behaviour.
I’m much more strict than the kids mother. If they whine, they won’t get what they want, period. Their mother is more like: You won’t get what you want if you whine (repeat) - Ok, here it is, because I can’t stand the whining. – In other words, if you whine long enough, you will get what you want.
Also, as trupa, I’m very consistent, whithout exception, like: “If you behave like that at the dinner table, you can’t eat with us. (repeat once) Last chance: If you behave like that you can’t eat with us.” - And so the kid has to leave the table. However harsh this sounds, I don’t have to repeat my self very often, because they know that I – without exception – mean exactly what I say. So normally I only say it once.
Note, though – very importantly – that I don’t scream or use violence, because if you frighten your kid (or God forbid hurt him/her), you lost in every significant aspect of the word.
Which brings me back to trupa:
For instance, why loud? – Wouldn’t it be much better if you were calm and assertive?
Just as an alternative to joining in and blaming your parenting skills…
Daddies, on average, are stronger, bigger and have deeper voices than mommies. A child might simply be naturally more likely to submit to the parent who evidences these traits, which are commonly associated with dominance. Of course that doesn’t mean that mommies can’t terrify their families into submission, they just have to work harder at it.
Assuming for discussion that you are the “beta,” even if the children were equally sensitive to the fact the girls might be more likely to identify with you, being the female role model, and be submissive, whereas the boy might be more likely to try to be like daddy and be dominant, or at least not submissive.
Sometimes kids do what mommy wants because she spends more time with them. Sometimes kids do what daddy wants because he spends less time with them.
FWIW, sometimes I could get my kids to obey when my wife couldn’t, but it is mostly when she wasn’t around. Usually time with daddy was fun time, and if things got too whiny, I would say “the hell with it - I don’t have the patience to deal with this crap” and we went back home. It only happened once or twice, but it helps to establish that you mean business. It saves time.
Also FTR, to me, running into the road is a Very Serious Offense. All life-threatening behavior is Very Serious. If you are going to pick your battles, I would say this would be a good one, but then you have to win it. Consistently.
I think you’ve got some very good suggestions in this thread, especially trupa’s suggestion of making the request twice, then MAKING him follow through. (In behavior therapy, we call this “no, no, prompt.”)
Strapping him into the stroller when he won’t hold your hand isn’t a good alternative, because your request was “hold my hand.” If you strap him in, he isn’t being made to follow through, and so he escapes your demand. The second time he runs off, grab him by the hand and walk across the street. If he goes limp or starts kicking and screaming, pick him up or haul him across under the arms. The whole process should take three minutes, tops.
My parents tried this with me and it failed miserably, I’d give ONE strike and if they don’t comply a second time do the punishment. If I disobeyed something important or did something wrong my mum used to tell me “that’s a one,” on three there was punishment. Naturally, I just figured out that I could do it once more without repercussions and THEN I could comply since I didn’t get punished until the third one :smack:. She fixed that one real easily by starting at 2. You can try the other way, you may have luck, but I’d just cut out the middle step since this seems like something most toddlers would figure out.
Today was the first time I’ve been at home with the small boy since Power Struggle Friday, and guess what.
He’s been as good as gold all day.
:eek:
Two trips back and forward from school, walked three out of four legs of the journey, holding hands nicely each time. Stopped whenever I said “stop”, went the other way whenever I said “wrong way”. Some vague attempts at dropping hands in the middle of the road a couple of times, easily dealt with by a quick “hand for the road”. Contemplating some of the things TWDuke was saying, I made my voice deeper and louder every time I had to give a second instruction.
Flash in the pan? Turnaround in behaviour? Who can tell. I’m on duty again tomorrow…
