Mine too, though I’ve made an effort to break her of the habit, because she’s nowhere near as funny as she thinks she is.
One day after school (way back in 8th grade, I think), I was hanging out with a guy, and we stopped by my house. My mom happened to be there; I said, “Hi, Mom, this is John.” The fact that I had, as far as I know, never mentioned him in any capacity didn’t stop her from saying in response, “Oh, this is John. He doesn’t look gay.”
That one took some explaining.
Say: Did you know the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?
This get’s everyone.
When getting onto a lift that has other people in it, act rather exasperated and say, “Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to go right?”
I am a volunteer EMT on one of our local ambulance services, and one of the favorite tricks one of our paramedics will do to new people is tell them that when they’re driving the ambulance and they come to railroad tracks, they have to stop, get out, check the Kniffiling pin, check the tires, and then get back in and drive away. We’re not sure what a Kniffiling pin is, but the newbies fall for it.
When shopping for a new car and the dealer shows you the trunk, ask him to lie down inside so you can see if he “fits.”
Once when I was a kid and grocery shopping with my mom we came across some “semi-boneless” stickers that had fallen out of the butcher’s pocket or something. Later we were standing by the bread display when I gasped and said “Mom!” and pointed from the sticker to the bread. She started cracking up and told me to do it. I wonder how creeped out people were to see Semi-boneless bread. Ewww!
Discreetly remove those security tag stickers from various shelf items @ WalMart, or a similar store.
Tactfully & randomly place them sticky side up - in high traffic spots of said store (The condom Isle seems to be a good place because most people dont dawdle there, they grab their familiarly coloured box and sprint away briskly)
It works well if the store is crowded, then you can “accidentally” bump into someone, smack the sticker on their purse, say excuse me, and they’ll be none the wiser that theyre going to leave the store looking like a cleptomaniac, and end up with a partial cavity search from the Wally World Security guards before they can finally leave.
Don’t just take a bunch of stickers and try to leave with them for future use - if you didn’t have the sense to realize that already , lol.
I used to do this to my moms shoes when she was trying clothes on in a dressing room. (But only when she’d grounded me or committed some other parental evil)
Halfway between the Cities and “The Lake”. “The Lake” is where half of the Cities goes on summer (and many winter) weekends. Sometimes people decide to ‘go rustic’, or something, and cruise the back roads instead of staying on the state highway where they belong.
I worked as a Manager/Projectionist for awhile. We used to get great pleasure out of sending our new employees to other theatres for a “bucket of Technicolor”. One time we had a girl go to three different movie theatres and the Sears paint department! When she got back she wanted to know why everyone kept giving her this blank look when she asked if she could get a bucket of Technicolor. I thought I would never stop laughing!
:o I’ve fallen for that one more than once.
I was 14 years old. On work experience.
Bastards.
Thank god it wasn’t just me.
A friend of my youngest sister pulled this one - cracks me up every time I think about it. He allowed my sister to get on the elevator ahead of him, then he stayed put at the bottom. When my sister was about halfway up, he called out: “Stop that girl! She stole my heart!!” Naturally, he was very melodramatic and just as naturally, sis was mortified.
Speaking of lifts, I’ve tried to get my co-workers to scream on the way down – just in case there were people on the other floors who happened to be passing by as we were on the way down.
Another thing to do is to stand very close to the doors – like your nose is right up against where the door come together. This works no matter which side you’re on, to give the people on the other side a little start.
Or, when you board go directly to the corner and stand facing it. (Kind of “Blair Witch” ten years before the movie came out.)
Or, when the lift is going up and stops at a floor, rise up on your tip-toes to give the impression you are still going up. If you’re descending, crouch a little to make it look as if you’re still moving.
I’m not athletic enough, but I’ve always thought it would be fun to act like a total loon and then get off. Then race to the stairs and meet the lift on the next floor and say, “I know you were talking about me.”
This works best in small communities where most people know each other.
While driving apst some poor innocent stranger, sound your horn, flash your lights and wave vigourously. Slowing down a bit helps. Then, just drive by. Every time I have done this the other person waves back, certain they know who you are.
You should have stuck one on your forehead and had mom drag you out.
About half way through my first year of college, I cracked my leg just below the knee, so I had a cast on from my hip to my toes. On one occasion, my friend Tony and I were studying in his room down the hall. His room mate was gone for the weekend, so I’m sitting on the foot of said room mate’s bed with my wheelchair sitting nearby (which I use anyway, even when I don’t have a busted leg.)
Anyway, Tony, who is just screwin’ around in the hall instead of studying, runs into the room, giggles - “Tee hee!” - grabs my chair, and takes off down the hall. “Well now,” I think to myself, “I’m not going to sit here and take that.” So, I hop off the bed and start dragging myself down the hall after him.
Dorm floors being what they are, everyone has their door open and Tony is taking great delight in stopping in every door with his ‘prize.’ This has many of our friends on the floor puzzled, but they all generally surmised, “Oh well, I guess Jay is sitting somewhere else.” Until they here it. Thump, thump, scraaatch… thump, thump, scraaatch…
Several people step out of their doorways and look down to see me dragging myself along, cast scrapping against the carpet. At one point, I “mustered the strength” to look up and gasp, “That… bastard…”
Tony of course is continuing down the hallway, not bothering to look back, until he meets a couple of guys at the end of the hall who saw him coming… and me after him. Tony, quite pleased with himself, meets some of the iciest gazes imaginable. “Tee hee! Look what I got! I- hey. Hey, why are you looking at me like that? What’s goin’- <Tony looks back> OH SHIT! Dude! I didn’t think you were going to follow me!?!”
I spent weeks trying to convince him that we had to do this in the cafeteria during the dinner rush. “Are you kidding??? You just want to see me get beaten up.” :rolleyes:
I think I read about this in an article about Alfred Hitchcock.
If Hitch was riding in an elevator with a friend and a stranger got on, he would lean over to his friend and say something like, “Well, you can imagine after something like that–there was blood everywhere! Thank goodness we had it all cleaned up before the police arrived.”
Elevator doors open, Hitchcock and friend exit, leaving bewildered stranger desperately curious to know more.
My friends and I used to do that. He and his g/f lived in New Orleans. We were walking by the river and there was a little bridge and we saw some tourists coming. (Okay, technically I was a tourist too; but I was visiting friends, okay?) We looked over the railing and as the tourists were within earshot we all made comments like “God, I’ve never seen so much blood!” “Do you think we should call the police?” We left and saw the tourists looking.
You can also use this line when you’re behind someone who’s using a video camera.
Heh. I used to do this all the time with a housemate of mine in college. We’d be in a crowded place, like an elevator or a bar. Then we’d start our conversation at a rather loud volume. Invariably, the following questions were among them:
“So, did your dad get out of jail yet?”
“Is your sister still keeping a street tile warm in the red light district?”
“Did you have that <insert STD of choice here> checked out?”
Priceless stuff.
Also, when I was 16, I started working at this roadside restaurant. The Newbie Joke there was as follows:
Experienced waiter: “Here, take this cup of coffee and take it to the gas station. The cashier ordered it.”
Me: “OK.”
Walk out of restaurant in pooring rain, cover the 200 meters to the gas station, go in, offer coffee. Of course, the clerk knows nothing of it. Walk back to restaurant, coffee in hand.
Me: “pant, pant… the dude said he never ordered coffee!”
Experienced waiter: “Did you go to the Shell station on this side?”
Me: “Uh, yeah.”
Experienced waiter: “Oh, I’m sorry, my bad. I meant the Esso station across the highway. Go on, that guy’s probably wondering where his coffee is by now!”
Exit restaurant, walk through 150 meter pedestrian tunnel under highway, repeat coffee offering. No dice, of course. Return to restaurant.
Me: “Are you pulling my leg? That guy didn’t order it either!”
Experienced waiter: “Oh well. Just take it to the boss then. He’s on the roof terrace.”
Took me about 10 minutes to find out there was no roof terrace at this particular restaurant. 
I know someone who did this. But very subtley.
He was very tall. You know the way most people go into an elevator, turn around and look up at the lights over the door to see what floor their on? Instead of doing that, he’d just stand in fron of the door, facing everybody else. He’d get really shifty-eyed and would look around at everyone as if quite paranoid. Everyone would avoid making eye contact.
He’d get off, trot down two floors (his long legs made the stairs pretty quick work) and when the doors of the elevator opened to let him back in… the other elevator passengers looked horrified!
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Own story: In the tech deartment, we also used to send newbies on a wild goosechase, asking them “can you run to the shop and get a left-handed screwdriver/hammer?”
I know someone who did this. But very subtley.
He was very tall. You know the way most people go into an elevator, turn around and look up at the lights over the door to see what floor their on? Instead of doing that, he’d just stand in fron of the door, facing everybody else. He’d get really shifty-eyed and would look around at everyone as if quite paranoid. Everyone would avoid making eye contact.
He’d get off, trot down two floors (his long legs made the stairs pretty quick work) and when the doors of the elevator opened to let him back in… the other elevator passengers looked horrified!
====
Own story: In the tech deartment, we also used to send newbies on a wild goosechase, asking them “can you run to the shop and get a left-handed screwdriver/hammer?”