Live-in Halo: this truly is the Best of Craigslist!

From New York Craigslist for computer gigs:

Wanted: Live-in Halo: Reach Tutor for our 12 year old son (Upper East Side)
Date: 2011-04-12, 12:30AM EDT
Reply to: (scrubbed)

We are looking for a nationally-recognized Halo player to move in to in our apartment and play Halo with our son, Sam (iLuvSoccer221), for 50+ hours per week. Our previous tutor, x|xGravyBabyx|x, silver medalist in the in the 2009 Halo 3 MLG Doritos Pro Gaming Combine, is leaving for Oakland to conduct pro bono Halo workshops for at-risk inner city youths. Due to the rigorous demands of Sam’s career and an uncompromising school system, we have decided to pull him from the 7th grade. He receives a “traditional” education in mathematics and reading on weekends and if there is time left over after the day’s Halo curriculum has been reviewed, and his lessons are prioritized based on their applicability to his gaming.

Our objective is to have Sam to rank among the top 100 Halo players worldwide by age 14. Unfortunately, due to the sorry state of E-Sports in our country, he has been left to play catch up. As anyone with a cursory knowledge of competitive gaming knows, the Korean video game farm system identifies promising young Halo players between the ages of 3 and 4 through a forced battery of reflex, dexterity, and psychological tests. By age 7 they are beating the best 20-year-old American and European players and by age 16, they are being put out to stud until their natural life span comes to a close at 19. Studies show a steady increase in Korean gamer thumb size, an enhanced immunity to deep vein thrombosis due to extended sitting, and a sharp downtick in the frequency of blinking. Because our child was not born with these genetic advantages, the only possible way for him to achieve Halo parity is through extensive training.

TEACHING REQUIREMENTS:

  • 8+ years prior Halo experience
  • Placed at at least one national level professional gaming competition (accepted leagues include Major League Gaming, Cyberathlete Professional League, World Cyber Games, and Electronic Sports World Cup).
  • No prior criminal convictions

Our weekday schedule break down as follows:

8:00 am - 11:00 am: Aiming drills, flashing light desensitization program
11:00 am - 11:30 am: Map visualization exercises
11:30 am - 12:15 pm: Weapons and tech
12:15 pm - 12:45 pm: Lunch break
12:45 pm - 2:00 pm: Tactics and Advanced Halo Theory
2:00 pm - 3:00 pm: History (This is one of Sam’s weak areas. His knowledge of the evolution Covenant arms and armor has held him back for too long.)
3:00 pm - 3:30 pm: English (trashtalking, optimum ‘faggot’ utilization)
3:30 pm - 4:00 pm: Recreation time (Grifball)
4:00 pm - 4:05 pm: Walk outside for a bit
4:05 pm - 7:00 pm: Online play
7:00 pm - 7:30 pm: Debriefing and analysis of online play
7:30 pm - 8:30 pm: Dinner (Redbull, balanced carbohydrate cubes, protein-rich slurry)
8:30 pm - 9:30 pm: Creativity hour (fan fiction writing, map creation in Forge)
9:30 pm - 10:15 pm: Community outreach (writing on bungie.net forums, pro gamer networking events)
10:15 pm - 11:15 pm: Reading, writing, math, etc.
11:15 pm - 12:00 am: Free play, then bed

Please note that we have removed all windows from the Gaming Center (formerly Sam’s bedroom) in order to preempt any wistful stares. Discipline should not be a problem.

First semester reading list: Brady Games’ Halo: Reach Legendary Edition Guide (WE DO NOT ALLOW PRIMA STRATEGY GUIDES IN OUR HOUSE), Sun Tzu’s Art of War, Halo: Fall of Reach by Brian Reed, Halo: Fall of Reach Bootcamp Nos. 1 - 3 by Brian Reed and Felix Ruiz, Infantry Attacks by Erwin Rommel, Ghosts of Onyx (Halo) by Eric S. Nylund, Halo: Cryptum, Books 1 - 3 of the Forerunner Saga by Gregory Bear.

We understand this is a heavy reading load, but Jason’s fluency in Halo satellite works is currently sub par and we believe these books would help him maximize his killing potential.

If you are interested, please submit a cover letter, resume, list of references, and your XBOX Live Gamertag. We will be conducting first round interviews in the upcoming weeks. Compensation is highly competitive: 50 K+ per year (negotiable depending on prior Halo gaming and teaching experience) plus benefits and free housing in a desirable Manhattan neighborhood.
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $50,000/year

This has to be a joke, right?

Yeah

It’s a joke, but the sad, errr, well it’s not so sad really, reality of professional gaming is that most would jump on that offer like Rick James on cocaine.

Who wouldn’t? I mean, seriously, if it were real, who wouldn’t?

The ACTUAL sad part is the inevitable group of people who’ll think it’s for real.

I laughed.

When was the last time you had your sarcasm meter re-tuned? Because it’s completely broken if you even have to ask.