Does your husband know about the affair? If so, has he given you an ultimatum? What about your “other” husband? Does he want more than you’re able to give?
I would think the major long-term effect of this would be that eventually one or both of them will find out. Its almost inevidible assuming either of them are even slightly observant. Assuming both parties would react badly to the presence of the other I would think that in time you will lose them both.
I totally agree with you that certain multi partner relationships and open relationships may not involve any guilt or anger. But using terms like “cheatee” suggested to me that one party at least was in the dark.
Also, situations such as polygamy are not adultery or cheating in the cultures that allow polygamy.
Cheater - I hope you find some resolution to this. The only advice I can offer is at the end of the day, it is only you that can make yourself unhappy or unhappy. By this I mean should you lose either or both of these guys, you can still come through it and be happy again. Although breaking up can be the most desperately awful thing in the world, like a bereavement, ultimately one does not have to depend on others for happiness. This goes for everyone in the situation, should current relationships disintegrate.
Cheater, infidelity is always a sign that something is wrong in a relationship. Please feel free to e-mail me if you need someone to talk to. You can easily create an anonymous email address in Hotmail or Yahoo for this purpose if you want to maintain anonymity.
Paging Manda JO…
Well Mith, glad that was a guess because you are pretty far off. What do the effects have to do with it? It has everything to do with everything. I don’t want to continue this for 20 years to find out I should have chosen a different path long ago. (spare me your opinion - if I wanted that I would have posted in the opinon board) No I am not looking for someone to condone it - I am pretty aware that the majority of the 900 or so people who have read this disagree but I’m not asking for their approval.
Common sense empathy and respect. I respect my husband enough not to leave him which for reasons that are none of your business would hurt him far more than a sexual infidelity. I respect my lover enough not to lie to him and let him think there is any chance that I have anything else to offer.
Kalhoun - yes lover wants more than I can give but I have not led him on. This is what has prompted me for this little reality check.
Bongmaster - no I don’t think anyone would issue any ultimatums - it just isn’t that way. I think the basis of this is more discretionary than disceptive.
Lastly it kind of irritates me when anyone assumes that they know what my feelings would be if I were in any situation since they have no idea of what my reaction would be or what my social norms are or really anything. How would I feel? Well honestly I don’t think I would give a rats ass. Lover does have other women - he’d be p retty stupid not to. Husband? I suspect he is “discreet” as well. I can’t see how any of that should make me feel threatened which is the true basis of jealousy anyway.
I could infer many things about you by your post but i won’t stoop to that. You probably wouldn’t like anyone assuming anything about you or how you feel or would react.
I do not want to turn this into a forum for social norms and right or wrong. There are too many opinions . Seems like many of you are assuming a lot by my question. I really am only interested in sociological and psychological affects and skip all the morality and self-help. If I wanted that, I would get a therapist. Or browse the shelves of Borders.
Cheater - If there is truly an unbiased, scientific study of such a thing, it is not easy to come by, besides that the results vary so much by the conditions pertinent to the situation.
Know that you are not alone. Feel free to email me (in my contact info) and we can discuss it more. I know of three cases personally just like yours where it was the woman with two partners for an extended period of time, one of which has been resolved (a partner was chosen), two of which have not, one of which were the decision was made to leave it that way and it has carried on for 10 years.
I suspect that a peer-reviewed statistical study is going to continue to elude us here. Should I move this thread to MPSIMS, or what?
Don’t see that I can add anything. Good luck finding the answers you want in time to be able to use them.
The fact that people are offering “self-help”, and the fact that there are countless books and therapists available, is the biggest clue that the sociological and psychological effects are likely damaging.
I sort of think this thread is heading more IMHO, because all most of us have to offer is personal experience and opinion.
But the OP clearly wants info on scientific studies.
Here’s a book by a PhD on adultery
Some possible useful links on adultery and other sociological issues here
I also found links to a website called http://www.adulterybusters.com - I can’t access it in this country as it’s blocked. The Yahoo! link paragraph mentioned a doctor or psychiatrist, so it may contain more scientific information (obviously it has its own agenda, with that URL choice).
Just to add - these are the references cited in one of the pages on that second link:
[quote]
**
Atwater, L. The Extramarital Connection: Sex, Intimacy, and Identity. New York: Irvington, 1982.
Bartell, G. Group Sex. New York: Wyden, 1971.
Blumstein, P., and P. Schwartz. American Couples: Money, Work and Sex. New York: Pocket Books, 1983.
Hunt, M. The Natural History of Love. New York: Minerva Press, 1967.
Hunt, M. The Affair: A Portrait of Extramarital Love in Contemporary America. New York: New American Library, 1973.
Lampe, P.E. Adultery in the United States: Close Encounters of the Sixth (or Seventh) Kind. Buffalo, N.Y.: Prometheus Press, 1987.
Lawrence, R.J. The Poisoning of Eros: Sexual Values in Conflict. New York & Roanoke, Va.: Augustine Moore Press, 1989.
O’Neill, N., and G. O’Neill. Open Marriage: A New Lifestyle for Couples. New York: Evans, 1972.
Ramey, J. Intimate Relationships. Englewood Cliffs, NJ.: Prentice-Hall, 1976.
Singer, I. The Nature of Love. Vols. 1-3. Chicago: Univ. of Chicago Press, 1984a, 1984b, 1987.**
There is also a book called “The Erotic Silence of the American Housewife.” Can’t recall the author, nor can I find it online. Try the library. It’s not a sociological study, but a journalist’s approach to a series of interviews. No counselors, no preachers. Just women’s voices.