Do you believe the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater” to be true? I’ve never been able to make up my mind about this. I’ve been in both positions, cheater and cheated on, so I think it depends on the circumstances for the cheating and it depends on the person. But is there such a thing as justifiable cheating? If you’ve been cheated on in the past, is it harder to trust someone?
I have been cheated on once before. Since that time, I had a harder time trusting women. After I found my “bride” I learned to trust again. We have been married for 10 years now and don’t worry about it. Only time will tell, but I think it would NOT be a good existence without trust.
This is like asking if it is possible for people to change. Cheating is nothing more than not having the will/desire/whatever to keep to a commitment.
I cheated on people when I was younger, but wouldn’t do so now. I think people can change and that is all it boils down to.
Of course, the reverse it true. Just because they have never cheated, doesn’t mean they wont. (that is to help feed the paranoid ones out there)
CandyMan
Yea, I do believe it. But I think it depends on your trust level. Personally, I have issues with trust, and if cheated on, I would have a VERY difficult time ever trusting the cheater again. I would just expect that if someone is capible of cheating once, they’re gonna do it again.
I also believe that if your partner wouldn’t find out, telling then you cheated is the most selfish thing in the world. Screw honesty, if he’s SURE I’m never gonna find out, I don’t want to know. Make him simmer in his own guilt. Hypocritical? Probably.
I certainly do believe the saying. I have never cheated and never will. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I have been cheated on, and once that happens, it’s over IMO. I don’t give extra chances on things like that. Something as serious as a persons feelings don’t take light mending with a simple apology. I haven’t been able to trust anyone that’s ever cheated on me again, and I don’t approve of it in any of my friends either if they do it. I usually advise just breaking up with the girl if they are going to do something like that.
And if they do it without conciously making the decision way before hand, like in those situations where the excuse tends to be “it just happened”, i still recommend breaking up.
Yeah, let them simmer in their own guilt.
A topic that I know something about, since I was the “cheater” and am now going through a divorce because of it.
I can say that what I did was completely out of character for me. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you the same thing. I did it because of the inability on my part to address what I felt was missing in my marriage and sought that emotional and physical support away from home. I’m working very diligently on improving myself on that score, but it comes too late to save my marriage. A very difficult, very emotionally draining, very expensive way to learn a lesson. Will I cheat again? No. I’m making the effort to change the way I relate to people so that I won’t have to cheat in the future. A little preventative medicine. To her credit, my wife has been a really supportive person through this, despite the fact that I hurt her more than anyone who hasn’t been through it can imagine.
As to whether you should tell your SO other or not, even if they may never find out. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD (IMHO). How can you have a relationship of any true depth if you can’t be honest about everything in that relationship? By not telling them (and I did, I confessed everything to my wife), you’re doing two very hurtful things: You are being dishonest, but you’re also negating your partner’s feelings. How can they make an honest committment to you if you aren’t honest with them? True, they might not be able to forgive you and may end the relationship, but as I found out, those are the chances one must take. They may prove to be the better person, recognize that you made the error, forgive you (after time has passed), and still love you. But you have to give them the whole story on which to base their feelings.
Sorry for the length of the post, but I’m in the middle of all of this right now and I know of what I speak. I hope it helps someone out there.
I have been cheated on, once, to my knowledge. It made it much, much harder for me to trust that person, and I believe it did contribute to the breakup of our relationship, though it came much later. The seeds of mistrust were sown, and affected every facet of our relationship afterwards. It wasn’t just that I didn’t trust him with other women after that - I never felt absolutely certain that he was telling me the truth about anything.
As to my level of trust with other people - I trust everyone, to a fault, until they give me a reason not to. Sometimes, this is a good thing; other times, it is not. Having had my trust broken many times in the past, by SOs, friends, and/or family, has not changed this. I still do. One thing it does, though - when my trust does get broken, it is incredibly painful, and very, very difficult for me to forgive. Forgetting is out of the question.
To me, the main transgression in cheating isn’t the act itself. It’s the lie. The lie is much worse than the act.
By the way, yes I do believe that people can change and never cheat again; I do not believe that cheating is ever justified (if you want to be with someone else, tell your SO that before it happens, and end the relationship); and I think that the likelihood of a person cheating is entirely dependant on the relationship that they are in. If a person is truly happy and satisfied with their relationship, there is no reason to look for fulfillment elsewhere.
It all goes back to communication. If things aren’t going well, the first person who needs to know about it is your SO. Once it’s out in the open, you can either work it out or break it up.
I got cheated on by two ex-GF’s. After #2, it was a long while before I trusted again.
But can they change? I’m sure they can. Anyone can change. If they want to bad enough. My 2nd ex-gf didn’t care to change, I’m not sure about the first.
I will have to agree with KimKatt on this. The deception of cheating is far worse then the act of cheating.
I was cheated on by my ex-wife. It was a very hurtful experience, and everything that happened after was changed. Eventually it tore us apart. Well, that and she kept doing it. She now goes through husbands like they are going out of style. I would not wish anyone to have to experience the hurt that cheating causes. If you want to mess around, don’t do it inside a relationship. Break it off first. If you are wanting to mess around outside of your relationship, you probably shouldn’t be in it anyways. If you want to mess around, don’t do it inside the relationship. Break it off first. If you’ve never had it happen to you, it is a breach of trust and a pain you could never imagine.
Open, honest communication is vital to a relationship. If you cannot be open and truthful with your partner, your relationship will fail eventually.
Can people change. Sure. I totally think they can, if they have the desire to change themselves. Will I trust them after they have already taken a dump all over my trust. Nope.
Well put, Qixotica!
::Rach picks off old scab::
Cheaters are the worst form of scum ever placed on Earth. They, ultimately, are the worst type of abuser known to man. Trust, once considered the modacum of decency between two people, is bent, twisted and mauled by cheaters until it is unrecognizable as it’s former self and discarded.
And this is just the trust you’d have in another human being. Cheaters in a committed relationship are even worse.
They and their significant other have taken basic trust and built upon it – crafting, polishing and honing their trust – creating an essential part of the identities of both lovers and a foundation upon which to build a lasting and loving relationship.
Cheaters corrupt not only the relationship link, but shatter the very ground which existed prior to the relationship being built – effectively “setting back” the trust level of the person cheated on to a level much lower than prior to the inception of the relationship.
Re-tilling the soil and mentally preparing another site upon which to build an new relationship with another person, is a lengthy trek upon which many people avoid embarking after being the victim of a cheater.
Succinctly, cheaters bite.
Not that I’ve thought or dealt with the matter much…
The key word here is trust. I have a hard time learning to trust anyone with anything much less my heart. When my husband and I first started getting serious (before we were engaged) I had to tell him this flat out. If he ever cheated on me, whatever the circumstance, I would be out the door faster than he could say “I’m sorry.”
I trust my husband with my heart, my love, and my life. If he were to toss that away that carelessly… then he wouldn’t deserve any of my trust again.
So have any of you who are so incredibly harsh on cheaters and those who cheat ever known a couple who have survived this and repaired their marriage?
As I’ve mentioned in other threads, my brother cheated on his wife. He had an affair for two years, and a lot of people knew about it. When my sister in law found out, she felt much like ChiefScott describes. With time, she admitted that the marriage had problems, and she was to blame for at least part of them. With even more time, she forgave my brother, and they started working together to repair the marriage.
Now, she talks about how happy she is that she didn’t give in to that first shock of being betrayed, and understands (but doesn’t condone) his actions. Their marriage is stronger than ever, their child is a joy to be around, and both of them seem much happier and more comfortable in the relationship than they’ve ever been. This all happened with lots and lots of hard work, and both admitted that although the affair brought the problems to light, it was a symptom of the problems in the marriage and not the cause.
Granted, an affair isn’t a good way to fix a marriage, but it does happen sometimes (IMO, much more than most people think) and blanketly deciding that a person who does this is right up there next to serial killers and child molesters is very harsh. It’s horribly painful to go through, but trust can grow again, and marriages can be saved.
When I opened this I thought the OP would be about “cheating” not being unfaithful in a relationship. But after thinking about this for awhile I realized that being “unfaithful” to a spouse or SO does not always indicate that a person will always have the propensity to “cheat”. I do believe that it takes a certain type of character to be a habitual “cheater”. Much the same way that I do believe there exsists a certain character that is more prone to steal, cheat (as in swindle) and lie to cover up their activities. (Often the same damned people who are “unfaithful”.) I guess you’d call this type of person basically dishonest, or selfish maybe even sociopathic. I just don’t think it applies to everyone who “cheats” on their spouse. Although these people do often seem to be able to lie, steal and cheat everyone that comes across their paths, even supposed loved ones.
I cheated on my husband. Not in the true sense of the word, I didn’t cheat on him physically. But I did “fall in love” with another man at the end of our marriage. But that was the problem at the time. The marriage was long gone and was not at a point where it could be saved. So I cheated on him in the sense that I no longer cared for him and began to care for another man, even though I refused to be physical with this other man. If the truth be known I had never “loved” my husband in the way that most people would expect I should. I was never “in love” with my husband. But then I’m also pragmatic enough to realize that “love” isn’t something you just fall into like a pool of daisies, it often takes work. And I had no guilty feelings when I left after 17 years of trying very hard to make the marriage work.
He had even “cheated” on me once early in the relationship, about 2 years into our living together. He spent two nights with another woman that was married. I forgave him and eventually we moved on past it. But was my ex-husband a “cheater”? No he wasn’t, it was not his nature to repeatedly cheat, actually I’m certain that he never did again. I must have known this to be true at the time because I’m sure that it had a great deal to do with me being able to forgive him and go on with the relationship. I was fairly certain that it would never happen again, and I was right. (Although I’ll say that later on I prayed he’d find someone else so that I could be free and not have to worry about leaving him high and dry.)
I don’t know how old you are but I’d imagine that you are old enough to be able to have at least a gut feeling as to the basic character of others. There are people that are simply not trustworthy and usually they reveal themselves over time. People have a terrible habit, women I’d say in particular, of engaging in “wishful thinking”. We often find ourselves tied up with a person that we “know” deep down cannot be trusted to look out for our best interests, yet we hope they will change. Perhaps we’re even thinking that we might be the very “one” that they need to effect this change. It would be nice if that were true, but more often than not we find ourselves bruised and feeling terribly inadequate because our “love” wasn’t strong enough. These people should be avoided because their very nature or character makes them unable to maintain a trusting relationship with anyone. We usually know who these people are, we just ignore the signs. Often because they are physically attractive or outrageously personable, but often that is the the only redeeming characteristic they possess. Their characters are flawed. And in the long run a person of good character is who we will want to spend our time with.
So can a decent person cheat? I’d say yes, it’s quite possible, there are all kinds of circumstances where a person that is normally trustworthy might cheat. But I think most of us can usually tell when we are dealing with someone that simply cannot be trusted.
Needs2know
This is what it boils down to - cheating occurs when there is a problem in the relationship. Until the problem is resolved, cheating will continue.
Sometimes the problem is in the way the two people are interacting - possibly one person is not getting what they want out of the relationship, and chooses to either avoid confrontation or punish the other person with an affair. Only when the couple resolves their problems and the cheater learns to deal with problems directly will he or she quit cheating.
Sometimes the problem is almost wholely with the cheater - in this case, the cheater must acknowledge that he or she has a problem before they will stop cheating. Unfortunately, this type of person also usually has a problem admitting responsibility. It is this person that invariably goes through relationship after relationship, cheating on each one.
To answer the op, no, there is never such a thing as justifiable cheating. If someone has the desire to cheat, they need to deal with their problems, instead of avoiding them. If they can’t resolve the problem it is in their best interest to end the current relationship so that they can pursue a healthier relationship. Otherwise, they will end up in a viscious cycle of failed relationships and deceipt.
Note: I do make a difference between cheating and an open relationship, where both partners are aware of and accept sexual behavior outside the relationship, prior to the actual act.
Thanks 
Hehe. I hate when I am moving text and forget to delete the original location. :o
Needs2know makes a good point about decent people cheating. I see her side of things. I just don’t agree.
There are many shades of being trustworthy. You may let someone watch your house for a weekend, but not trust them with watching your children. Trust between two people is likewise shaded.
I tend to invest much of myself into relationships. This is why I don’t enter into them lightly. Others, I realize and accept, may even marry or enter into extended close relationships without investing as much. Holding back a part of themselves.
I sypathize with them doing that. It is exactly what I began doing after my ex wife cheated on me and we separated. I felt like a fraud in these relationships because I knew what I had and what a true, loving relationship was supposed to be.
Many times relationships aren’t balanced. One partner may put much more of himself or herself into a relationship than the other. Therefore, when the trust bond is broken they lose more.
Recogizing and respecting the preciousness of the trust bond is not only implied but **is a neccessary part of **a loving relationship, I feel.
Basically decent people who ignore this bond, I’ve found, are not committed wholey to the relationship and therefore find it easier to break the trust and cheat. We, who invest totally into these relationships, are not as wiling to let go and often give even more of ourselves to maintain the bond. This creates an unbalance of trust and hurts even more the one who’s invested totally.
Justifications not withstanding, cheaters can be decent people in there minds, in the minds of their totally committed partners struggling to maintain a trust bond and in sympathetic friends.
To me, though, they are not decent as their actions diminish and hurt those they’ve initiated relationships.
**
I especially agree with the person needing to deal with their problems instead of avoiding them. That’s exactly what I did. But I avoided my ex-husband because I was scared of what he would do to me.
I think I’m a decent person, even though I cheated on my ex-husband. Yes, there’s no excuse for it but it happened and I can’t take it back. I don’t want to take it back. That affair is part of what gave me the courage to divorce my husband. If not for the affiar, I would probably still be married to that son of a bitch today!
…and if I hadn’t cheated on my husband, our relationship would not be as strong as it is now. As a result of my cheating, and the very deep conversations we HAD to have…examining both of our behaviors, really talking seriously and at length about our relationship and what we both expected out of it…we liked each other, we loved each other, but if we hadn’t been forced by my infidelity to really examine it with each other we never would have. The marriage would probably have kept getting worse and worse, what with unspoken resentments and petty grievances, until it ended, and probably badly. As it is, we have never liked each other more, we have never loved each other more, we have never trusted each other more, and we both now know for a solid fact that we can tell each other absolutely anything. And why not? We’ve been through damned near the worst strain under which a marriage can be, and have come through it whole.
It’s a shame that it took me cheating to smack both of us into reality, but in retrospect I can’t be sorry I did it. I understand that a lot of couples would not be able to work through something like this, and I understand that a lot of couples shouldn’t, quote honestly. I’m just intensely glad that we did.
I do not in any way, shape or form condemn folks who would kick their spouses to the curb if they cheated. I understand that not everyone who cheats is like me. I personally know people who have cheated, and they really get off on the thrill of putting one over on their spouses. I HATE that. The part I hated the MOST was sneaking around and lying. I am a trustworthy person (pompous much, you venemous tart?), particularly because through cheating I have finally gotten it through my stupid thick skull that I don’t HAVE to lie.
Damnit, I keep going off on tangents. What I’m saying is:
A) I totally agree that if you have made it clear from the start that the one thing you will NOT tolerate is infidelity, the bitch/bastard deserves what she/he gets when you kick him or her (hate pronouns) out on the street.
B) I totally agree that a LOT of people who cheat are low, vicious, evil scum who don’t deserve to have loving spouses.
C) Some of them are NOT.
As a brief aside, I want to express a bit of dismay. I have enjoyed ChiefScott’s posting style and a lot of what he’s had to say, all over these boards, and it’s a little bit disheartening to know that in his eyes I am evil vicious mean sly nasty slutty pond-scum. Hope you find the lady you deserve, man. F’real. (No sarcasm, I swear it.)