Once a cheater, always a cheater?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So as not to further hijack the assertive woman sex thread, I thought I’d start a new one.

So, simply put, “Once a cheater, always a cheater?” or maybe “Once a playa, always a playa?”

I’ve never cheated but I have been cheated upon by women that I knew cheated on earlier boyfriends/husbands. My ex-FIL is on his 5th wife by my count, AFAIK, he cheated on all but the latest.

With the exception of maybe teenage foolishness, ie: “that was when I was 18 & stupid, not an adult”, my general view is if you’ve cheated in the past (as an adult), you’re likely to cheat again.

What say you? Is a cheater always going to be a cheater or can they find monogamous happiness?

2

IMHO, I think men and women generally cheat with somewhat different motives, but at the core of it all is poor self-esteem, and the inability to get their self worth from themselves. This is a very difficult thing to improve, so it is highly likely that one who cheats will cheat again, but there are those who manage to improve their self worth and don’t do it again.

3

IMO, it is usually true that a cheater will cheat. I’m sure people will come in and give us exceptions, but I’m still more inclined to see them as exceptions.

4

I cheated on an ex because I never wanted to be in the relationship in the first place. I didn’t respect the relationship.

Now, I’m a bit older (27) and a bit wiser. I would never dream of cheating on my dear Melody. She’s everything I could dream of in a gf and I’m not about to blow it.

5

That would imply that people never learn from their mistakes, and I’d hate to think that’s true.

6

I think it really depends on why the person cheated in the past. I do believe that people tend to be creatures of habit, though, and most things are easier the second time around.

7

Yes. They don’t change. I’ve seriously dated 3 cheaters in my day and the first two I gave second chances to and both cheated.

I’ve always found it interesting that when people first think of relationship cheaters they (tend to think of men cheating on women. In my experience (and it’s been pretty vast) women are much more apt to cheat than men. I’ve been through college and the military both deployed and stateside and I would say I’ve personally known 20 or more women who were cheating on their husbands or boyfriends. I’ve only known 3 men who were cheaters.

I’ve noticed women are more apt to have an affair, aka a repeating relationship with the same guy vs sleeping around. Male cheaters I think tend to go for one night stands, in and out.

8

Cheating is seldom a mistake–it’s a choice. The mistake is getting caught at cheating; people do learn to cheat more discreetly and reduce the risk of getting caught.

9

I have yet to hear of any justification given by a cheater that I would be able to accept for choosing that path myself. So I’m left with the opinion that some people are predisposed to accept deep emotional betrayal as an acceptable course of action, and others who are not. Predisposition does not guarantee repetition, but what else can we use to predict future actions if not history?

10

Depends on the situation. Anybody can have a moment of weakness, especially if they’re drinking or otherwise impaired. Some people probably crucify themselves for it later while others don’t think twice.

I think too that if we’re going to talk about “cheating” we could expand definitions and scenarios. E.g. what about someone who cybers but never touches another person? Or what about someone with a frigid spouse?

LaRochefoucauld wrote that betrayal happens more often due to weakness than a plan calculated to deceive.

11

No. Not “anyone.” :mad: Much more than that and we hijack the thread.

12

As has been mentioned, much of it stems from the reason for the cheating.

The short answer is, of course, “no”. Some people will continually cheat, some will not. Because there is a not-unsubstantial group that would not cheat a second time, the idea is false (which is probably the reason it drives me so nuts when people say it).

13

I think this question can be easily answered by stating the obvious.

Everyone fucks up. Some people are assholes.

People who’ve cheated on an SO come from both categories. People from the latter are exponentially more likely to do it repeatedly.

14

It depends. Which old saw is more true: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” or “Out of sight, out of mind.”

I’m a reformed cheater; it would be impossible for me to cheat on my Darling Marcie.

15

We could, but why should we? “Cheating” varies by couple, but the only important definition is the one from your relationship.

I agree with what others have said: it’s *possible *to change, but not likely. Didn’t we just do a thread about whether or not past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior? IIRC, the consensus came to: sure, it’s not perfect, but it’s the BEST indicator; far more accurate than what people say or even how they themselves want to act. I think that applies to infidelity (however the people involved define “infidelity”.) Sure, some cheaters can be reformed (and I agree that youthful stupidity and inexperience with relationships can lead to cheating which doesn’t really “count” long term), but generally speaking, a reformed cheater is a rare individual, and not to be taken as representative of the species.

16

If I see you eating a hamburger one day, does that mean you’ll eat one the next day if I offer it to you? To say yes or no is to exclude an important variable- depends on if you’re hungry. You can’t say a person will/will not cheat again unless you know the conditions of the first scenario and if it matches the second scenario. So I think the answer to the OP’s question is yes, if the conditions are the same. Otherwise, it’s anyone’s guess.

17

I once dated a guy that cheated on his gf in the past. Going into it, knowing that he was capable of it, I never trusted him. When I would come out and ask him if there was someone else (because he was either distant or acting friendly with another girl), I wouldn’t believe him.

I trusted him with just about everything I had or owned within in myself that I was capable of giving, but because I knew that about him I never believed him when I asked or questioned.

So the answer to your question, yes. If he (or her) has it in them to do it once, they are most likely going to wander off again.

18

I guess I’ll have to take your word that you have immunity. Maybe you’ve just never had a cluster-fucked life…or at least, not yet.

I don’t watch basketball but my brother does. He says there’s a saying in the NBA that the ref always sees the second foul. I.e. some guy mangles another, which the ref doesn’t see…the victim retaliates and that catches the ref’s attention. I think there’s a lot of that in marriages.

I’ll tell you point-blank, I “cheated” once on my ex. Now let me explain my quotation marks.

Without explanation, she simply stopped having sex with me for three months. No, she wasn’t pregnant. Maybe she was having an affair? I don’t know. She brought up no grievances…in retrospect my best guess is that it was a control trip. I remember one night she laughed at me when I reached for her in bed, even.

Then she left the country for five months. When she called home (rarely) she never asked if I was okay and she couldn’t spare 10 minutes on me. Our marriage was always all about her.

I had a total cuntscab for a boss at the time. I woke up screaming once, and I started sleepwalking. My nearest family member was 600 miles away. I had undiagnosed depression that would have killed an elephant. So naturally, I started drinking to oblivion. Nightly.

I didn’t go looking for it…it came looking for me. A friend knocked on the door of my house. She knew I was alone and she had an agenda. When she offered, I wanted to feel something again. Anything.

Well of course I regretted it. In fact before leaving she offered to come back the very next day and continue, but I already felt guilty and knew I couldn’t go through with it.

So did my wife cheat on me first? I don’t mean did she fuck someone else…that’s possible. But I mean did she suddenly decide she didn’t have to follow the promises we made when we got married? If she is the only sex store in town, where that leave me? BTW I later asked my ex why she cut me off for three months. She said she didn’t even remember not having sex for three months. :confused: :eek: :frowning: :smack: :dubious: :mad:

Whether she did or didn’t cheat on me, it wouldn’t justify what I did. But it doesn’t leave her guiltless, either. I see the trick is not to let a situation like that go three months. For those of us without immunity, I mean.

I spent several months beating myself up for it and I promised myself, “Never again.” What I’ve learned since is that you can’t make someone keep loving you, but you can address it and if they persist, then you can shove them out of your life.

I have a feeling this thread is going to have many who have never cheated or been cheated on. But there may also be cheaters and cheatees weighing in. I think the successes and failures of marriage are shared 50/50 between the partners. I’m not proud of what I did but I know I wanted a loving, caring marriage that I never got. I know where the incident came from and I’ll take my share of the blame, but not hers.

I’m really leery of people who say, “Can you believe he/she cheated on me?” Some are dawgs, but some aren’t. It’s often a hell of a lot more complicated than that.

19

Dude, that was a crummy situation. I’ve got my own shit marriage that I’m actively dismantling even now and as I’ve watched my marriage decay over the last 4 years I’ve periodically (not without a heavy sigh, admittedly) sent good, nurting and potentially long term booty away. My opinion about what is acceptable is different from yours and I’m not prepared to get into a big moral battle about it, and that is what it would degenerate into. “Immune” is not the word I would choose, however. I prefer “principled” or “disciplined.” I’ve thought a great deal about cheating and have simply come to the conclusion that it belongs on my “Never” list right along with brussels sprouts and Fords.

20

A friend sent me a quote a while back to the effect that “Separation affects love like wind affects fire: the weak ones are extinguished, the great ones made hotter.”