… Then she’ll cheat on you. We’ve all heard it. Some live their lives by that axiom.
But is it true?
After thirteen years of marriage, I came home home from a six month deployment to find that the bank account was empty, most of the utilities were shut off, insurance on the cars had’nt been paid in five months, and the mortgage was within two weeks of foreclosure. The woman had been spending all our money on a string of short-temp boyfriends. (But that’s a subject for a whole other thread.)
So I walked out of that marriage. Big surprise.
But within a year I met this woman I thought was the answer to all my problems. And three years later, I’m still with her. And she’s never given me any doubt that I made the wrong choice. I’m happy, as far as I can tell she’s happy being with me. I ask her opinion (and listen to her when I know she’s right,) don’t question where she is going, and supported her in getting a job. For 14 months she had her own apartment, in her own name, with no financial but infinite emotional support from me - something she never thought she could do. She left a long marriage (20-some years) to be with me. And though I wasn’t the first guy she was with at the end of her marriage, I was the guy she ended up with.
Tonight, though, I was talking to an aquaintance about the last couple of years of my life, and how good things were for me, and how I thought that I found where I should be all along. Out of the blue he said that sentence. “If she cheated on him …” And it made me think.
Not that I thought he was right. Not that I thought that he might have something there. I am confident that the Factotrix and I are going to be together from now on.
But how many of you, some of the smartest people in the world (and a few dipsticks,) think this is something they have to worry about? I am willing to listen anecdotal evidence, and scientific studies, and anything in between. I’m just interested, I guess, in proving all of you nay-sayers wrong twenty years down the road.
I think there are too many reasons why somebody may cheat on a spouse to make sweeping judgements. I think that axiom (in the OP) can hold true and be a worry if the person is cheating just to fuck around on the side with no real issues at home. That is perhaps the most egregious case and I would have a hard time trusting someone who viewed their commitments so casually. In the end though each case has to be viewed on its own merits (although it is hard to conceive of cases where it is considered an ok thing). My first dad cheated on my mom, they got a divorce and my first dad married the woman he was cheating with. They have been married ever since and that all happened over 30 years ago so clearly anecdotal evidence suggests it can workout just fine. (Of course I do not know that my first dad never cheated on his second wife but a quick gut check says he never did.)
My wife of almost 20 years was married (unbenownst to me) when I met her. I was not her first boyfriend, but I am her last. Imagine a guy paying so little attention to his wife that I could essentially be living with her, and have no idea she was married. It all depends on why they were cheating.
No she wont cheat on you unless the realtionship starts to have problems. Which how many realationships do you know of that don’'t have problems? at least in the tiniest bit?
But that’s just a rule of thumb. I’d be curious to see if you feel as confident ten years from now.
I think it’s a pretty reasonable rule of thumb. Some folks will only cheat once under a very specific set of circumstances, yes, but by and large those folks seem to be the ones who break off the affair and try to patch up the main relationship. The ones who move on to newer and better things, in my experience at least, are prone to doing it again and again and again. The current partner gets routine and the cute little quirks become annoying, and it’s time to start looking for someone new and better who’s different and exciting and won’t have those irritating quirks.
Overall, I find the “I only cheated because of problems in the relationship” thing to be intellectually dishonest crap. If your relationship has so many problems you have to seek refuge in someone else’s pants and you can’t or won’t work things out, then for the love of all that’s holy, leave.
Cheating once or twice does not mean she (or he) will cheat on you. Cheating on spouses/SO’s as a HABIT does. While there are exceptions to this rule, someone who is a habitual cheater is cheating for reasons other than problems within the relationship. Perhaps they need to feel wanted more than the average person, perhaps the need to prove to themselves they can still get laid. People can change, but this is a very hard cycle to break.
Someone who cheats on a spouse who is distant and not loving will (in theory) NOT cheat on someone who IS loving and pays attention to them. So no, just b/c she cheated on him doesn’t mean she’ll cheat on you. But if she cheated on most of them? That’s another story.
I think the ‘cheating because of problems in the relationship’ idea has a bit more to go with it to make it true.
The complete line is: There were problems in the relationship and I have rather poor problem solving skills.
Some people are just assholes who sleep around. I don’t really think they can hide that well, so you probably already know that she isn’t one of those.
Everybody else is the same. We’re not cheaters, but if a relationship sucks we could cheat. If her relationship sucked and she cheated, then she’s probably not going to cheat again until her current relationship sucks – at which point she will. So that’s up to you. As long as you’re keeping her happy with the staus quo, she won’t go looking elsewhere. And similarly, as long as she’s keeping you happy, you won’t go sniffing around either.
I “cheated” (no sex, I guess it was emotional??) because he was a mentally and sexually abusive asshole and a bad father. There was one person in the whole world I would have left him for, and somehow, I just happened to re-find that person. Would I ever cheat on my current SO? HEll no, I’d kill myself first.
I agree with this completely. I know people who have cheated in the past (in previous relationships) who I think are now far less likely to ever cheat again than people who have never cheated. Sometimes, a one-time mistake is just that, and I suspect that knowing how shitty it feels to cheat on someone can be a stronger deterrent than simple principle.
At the same time, consistently cheating in the past reveals an attitude that makes future cheating likely. Not a guarantee, of course, but I’d be very wary of someone who had cheated in many of their previous relationships.
People who cheat justify it to themselves. If you are not happy, leave the marriage / relationship then date someone. But they put their happiness in front of others. I’m not saying that to be cruel or rude, it’s the truth, in my experience.
So, any time they view their happiness is not being fulfilled, they will cheat and/or leave and justify it to themselves.
I’ll agree with Giraffe. Sometimes cheating is so traumatic, and leaves so much scar tissue the cheater will never, ever do that again. However, some cheaters learn cheating is the easy way to make their partner break up with them.
In the OP case, his girlfriend/wife’s marriage was already over (I wasn’t the first guy she was with) before he got there. So I’d guess he’s got good odds his wife is not going to stray.
Who ever said doing the right thing, or indeed life, was supposed to be easy? If cheating is an easier way out of the situation than breaking up or fixing the problem, you’re not cheating because of problems in the relationship. You’re cheating because you didn’t want to go through the work and hassle and mess of dealing with the problems in an appropriate manner.
There is a big difference between an instance of infidelity and carrying on a secret relationship, I think. People are human - even the best person could potentially make a mistake. I could forgive my wife for that, as I’d hope she’d forgive me.
Carrying on a cheating relationship is living a hundred lies, deceiving those around you. Someone who could do that – sorry, I could never trust them again - those people are only sorry when they are caught - and I know a lot of dirtbags, trust me
I’d live longer not worrying about when the next shoe will drop. If they are man or woman enough to enter into a marriage/adult-relationship, they are adult enough to move on when they aren’t happy.
Yes, that’s a big difference, but a one-night-stand is still cheating in my world (YourWorldMayVary). In some ways a one-night-stand is worse than falling in love with someone else. If my partner had a one-night-stand it would me (to me) that a single drunken boff means more to him than our whole history. Am I overreacting? Maybe. <shrug> It’s all hypothetical right now.
[sup]but there’s always two sides to every story.[/sup]