I am struggling with trust issues in my current relationship. I love him like crazy, but I know that he has cheated in the past. (not on me, but in previous relationships) I am having a hard time with this and am concerned he will do it to me. Is it true…“Once a cheater, always a cheater?” OR is it not fair to judge someone on their past and assume they can’t or haven’t changed?
I want this to work…how do I get over this?
I don’t know how you can get over your own feelings on this, but if it helps, I personally know more than a few people who have cheated on their spouses, and gone on to have longterm, loving, stable relationships where cheating is not an issue. In some cases, the cheater stayed with his/her spouse and worked through a lot of issues, in other cases, they broke up and cheater ended up in another relationship after (presumably) working through why they cheated in the first one.
So no, “once-a-cheater, always-a-cheater” is not true. People change. There are myriads of reasons why one would cheat, and a whole ton of reasons why it might not ever happen again.
That said, I would be wary of a serial cheater. If someone cheats and breaks up a relationship when they were young, or it happened once in a relationship that had issues, that’s one thing. Some in their 40s who seems to always have a spouse and someone on the side, and has been that way for the past 20 years, that’s a different story.
You said relationships plural - I’d be wary if this was a pattern and he’s cheated in all or most. How old is he? How long have you been seeing him? Is he sensible and mature in general, or generally flaky? I dunno…it seems that it depends on many factors, whether he’s likely to do this again.
If he has had multiple relationships and been unfaithful in two, interspersed with healthy, mutually-ended relationships, then that’s another thing.
Data point, I cheated on my first serious live-in boyfriend, in my early 20s. He found out, massive fights ensued, my stuff all chucked out onto the front yard, etc…we did manage to stay together for a while after that but I left him in the end although we remained friends. It was a horrible experience, I felt awful, vowed not to do it again and haven’t.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all reason for cheating in the first place. If someone cheats in a relationship in which he or she is completely and wonderfully in love then a repeat performance is possible, but even then not guaranteed.
In my opinion most people cheat because they are unfulfilled in their current relationship. And I don’t necessarily just mean unfulfilled physically.
Saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” may sound like a nice little axiom to brush everyone with, but life is more complicated than that. I see you said “in previous relationships” now, as in the plural sense. This sets off alarm bells for me, but perhaps he wasn’t as serious in previous relationships as he is in this one.
There’s no way to tell from a message board what the answer is.
Once a cheater, always a cheater is not always true, just as the reverse is true–for someone with a solid track record, there’s no saying that person won’t eventually cheat, given the right circumstances. In your situation, what would be most important to me is why the person cheated. If I was comfortable with those reasons, I’d be ok.
I think it would depend on the details of the cheating. In non-married relationships, the boundaries aren’t always clear. Many people don’t have definitive times where they proclaim their relationship monogamous and then later when they officially break up. If one person still thinks they are in the dating around phase but the other person thinks they are monogamous, then it’s hard to say it’s really cheating. Or sometimes relationships peter out and one person may start dating around without having the official it’s-over conversation.
Do you have the full details of the cheating? Was he in a committed, monogamous relationship and secretly had a relationship with someone else? That kind of cheating seems like a character flaw to me. Or was he just dating around and was going with a couple of women at the same time? I think knowing the details would help to determine if it’s a character flaw or just a one time thing.
In a nutshell:
Cheating is just a symptom of a deeper issue of the cheater. If the cheater is not interested in identifying and addressing/correcting that primary issue, then chances are very likely they will cheat again.
If he sticks to giving you denials/excuses/justifications of why he did it in previous relationships and doesn’t display any real remorse AND take actions to address those underlying issues, then I would not trust him either.
Your gut instinct is telling you something, awinter, because he hasn’t shown you a good reason to trust him right now because he probably hasn’t considered his cheating a problem…don’t ignore your gut instinct.
As for you wanting this to work…it’s really not up to you; whereas, HE has to want it to work, and HE has to take those steps to address those issues. Don’t get too involved if with this guy unless you see HIM (through his actions) in wanting this to work. Actions, not words is what you are looking for to reassure yourself and eventually trust him.
Good Luck.
It’s hard to tell without knowing the circumstances. I do not believe in “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I’ve cheated exactly once in my life: when I was 19, and with my ex-girlfriend who was the “love of my life” up until that point. I felt awful about it; I told the girl I was dating about it (which, in retrospect, I should have just kept my mouth shut), and I’ve never done it since.
People are imperfect, and I believe almost everyone is capable of cheating, given the right circumstances. It’s impossible to assess without knowing the circumstances, how often it happened, when it happened, etc.
How did you find out about this? And what do you know about it?
I appreciate all the comments and advice. I know this isn’t something that can be figured out on a message board, it is just nice to hear some opinions of others who may have been through the same type of situation.
It was a marriage that he cheated in before, and I know the circumstances were not pleasant. It was an unhappy marriage, for sure.
That “once a cheater…” thing just keeps going through my head. But, I guess given the right circumstance, any one of us is capable of making a mistake…
That sounds a little bit like a justification. :dubious:
Sure, everyone is capable of a mistake. But if a person keeps making the same “mistake” over and over, perhaps it’s not so much a mistake as a pattern of behaviour that you should pay close attention to.
People tend to tell you who and what they are through words and actions. You’ll see/hear it if you pay close attention. What you do with that information is entirely your decision.
If its just one affair from his previous marriage, then I certainly wouldn’t condemn him as a serial offender. Many many people have had affairs at some point - myself included. That doesn’t mean they will do it again (I sure as hell won’t).
If the marriage was an unhappy one, hen that’s your cause right there. I’d be more concerned if his marriage was just fine before the affair.
Everyone deserved another chance.
I didn’t realize he was married at the time. I view that as much more of a serious character flaw.
There is no justification for cheating in a marriage. If he was unhappy he should have talked it over with his wife. If he couldn’t get resolution he should divorce. Just like you can’t say he is justified for robbing a bank because he is poor, he can’t justify an affair because he was unhappy. There is no justification for an affair.
However, people can change. Perhaps he had an epiphany and has changed who is is. Perhaps he will never again cheat no matter the circumstance. Like even if you were the worst wife in the world he would not cheat. Or maybe he only remains faithful as long as everything is good. It’s hard to know what is truly in someone’s soul. It’s like a reformed alcoholic. Some stay on the wagon as long as they avoid temptation. Some refuse alcohol no matter what.
If you stay with him, you will need to be alert and watch his behavior. He has crossed that line before, so you know he’s capable of it.
Yep. And this is type of woman a cheater looks for. Some one he can feed a line of bull shit to (I’ sorry, I was weak, I was drunk etc..) and the woman eats it up. BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BELIEVE IT.
Also, I’m baffled by the fact that the OP knew of his cheating ways before she got in a relationship with the guy but did it anyway.
I guess I’m a cynic, because I’m like 99.99% sure that no matter how many pages of good sound advice she gets in this thread; the OP will continue to be with this guy and he will indeed cheat on her if he hasn’t all ready.
Unhappy marriages are too general of a reason for to “justify” an affair. One must go deeper to find out what caused the marriage to go from happy to unhappy. The obvious ones are alcohol/drug abuse, physical/verbal abuse, and sexual/emotional affairs. But underneath that there are issues like lack of intimacy (sexual and/or emotional), lack of empathy towards a partner, division of labor/chores, fighting unfairly, passive/aggressive behavior, etc.
Like a weed, an unhappy marriage has roots that can be pretty deep and if you can’t go deep enough to identify and remove those roots of the unhealthy marriage, then the roots you didn’t address will eventually grow into a new weed (going back to what you thought was an improving marriage to another unhappy one).
This can happen in a single marriage in a cyclical pattern, or a person may leave a spouse/partner and form a new relationship/marriage with a new partner, but the issue returns again because it wasn’t addressed in the first marriage. The excuse of “it was an unhappy marriage” is really a cover for “I had issues in my first marriage that I did not address, and rather than face them and address them, I decided to leave and start with a new slate with someone who does not know me like my first partner does/did.”
Apart from the more dangerous relationships where safety is the primary concern (the abusive and the alcohol/drug abuse and even some affairs), that person should be addressing their personal issues with their current partner regardless if they stay in the marriage or leave the marriage eventually, so they will not find themselves repeating their damaging behaviors. Many people go through life with multiple marriages and divorces because they don’t recognize or even refuse to address their own personal issues.
awinter, I believe you are going to be the new partner who is a new slate, except now you are learning some things about him that should worry you about becoming another partner that will experience what the previous wife experienced. If you already sensed it (his unwillingness to address his issues) and you don’t trust him, then this is not the man for you.
How do you get over it? Easy. You walk out and don’t look back. Problem solved, forever and ever! 
I’ll spare everyone several paragraphs of philosophy and just put this out there for appraisal: If someone calls their cheating “a mistake” they are to be avoided. If cheating is referred to as some flavor of “I really hurt someone” then maybe you can trust them to not do it again.
I was wrong to think people can change. I found things that tell me he is up to his old tricks. Lesson learned. 
I am ready to just stay single…
Thanks for the comments and advice.
I went out with someone who cheated on her boyfriend (with me…I still feel ashamed I went through with it). She never cheated on me and I think she learned that going that road was a recipe for hurt and damaged reputations, but the same problems that caused her last relationship to fail caused ours to fail. She could not communicate well, and she held in resentment because of it. She lied to me for months about going out for a “girls night out” when really I think she was hashing problems through with her friends that she should have been hashing out with me.
Anyways there could be lots of factors. In my relationship my partner had never really been single and lived independently for even a year. I feel that contributed to her not “knowing herself” very well. Maybe those factors don’t exist for you. You may have to address this problem though if it’s causing you resentment. It’s a big relationship killer.
Also I think something everyone has to accept is that a relationship WILL end at some point be it by natural causes, geographical issues, or compatibility problems. If things are going well right now, make the most of it and enjoy it for what it is. Harboring doubt will be picked up onb by your partner. And like everyone says, we all have some sort of skeleton in our closet.
Also
As Ronald Reagan wisely said “Trust, but verify”.