Looking for a way to phrase a question

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A grandmother in our old neighborhood watched our (soon to be) 8-year old afterschool and on other occassions for the past two years or so. She is the most amazing person who never minded anything we asked, even with short notice, and she never cared about payment even though we always took care of her to the best of our ability. She always said “I’m just watching my grandkids during that time anyway,” making it like we paid her to do what she would be doing anyway.

We have since moved about a half hour away. We have still used her for isolated situations but his after school care was taken care of by his new school so we didn’t need to bother/depend on her all the time.

However, summer is about to start and we are looking summer care options.

We found a couple of camps close by that we can afford however there is a chance that she didn’t view us or our son as an inconvenience. She is a typical inner city grandmother helping her single daughter raise two kids, she doesn’t work and she has a sister who lives with her as well. We lived in a neighborhood that is lower class for the most part.

Obviously the extra money didn’t hurt but it’s possible that it was more than mad money - it might have been extremely beneficial and borderline necessary for her. She is very prideful and would never tell me if this was the case though - one time she was got her electricity cut off and I paid it for her (we just used it as an advance on the childcare) but that’s the only evidence I have that I might be correct.

It would actually be inconvenient for us to have her watch our son over the summer since we’d have to fight traffic for 30-45 minutes each morning and night. And we would pay her just as much as we would pay the people close to home.

If I didn’t think that this was something that would help her, we wouldn’t even consider asking her but we want to ONLY because if our money is necessary to help her household, we’d rather it go to her than a local camp. Even if it means us being inconvenienced, that’s fine. She’s worth the inconvenience if it will help her keep the lights on and food in the fridge.

I cannot say to her “It will be inconvenient to have you watch him all summer but I thought you neded the money” for obvious reasons. Also, since she is always amazingly amenable to anything we ever needed, if we didn’t somehow stress to her that we want to do this only if it will help her, she would say yes just to help us out.

I have no desire to offend this amazing woman with whom we still have a relationship with. I only want to be able to help her but only if she needs that help. Is there a way I can phrase the question to her without being offensive or should I just drop my well-intentioned but flawed idea?

2

Decisions about child care should be based on what’s best for the child, first and foremost. Would being in the care of this “most amazing person” really be no better for the kid than a camp? Is the camp doing anything really interesting?

I’d say there’s little doubt she could use some extra income, just given the household size and composition. Beyond that, the electric bill is a serious flag. Electric ompanies may vary, but with many it’s possible to be months behind on payment before it’s cut off. The fact that it was cut off suggests to me that she was seriously pinched for an extended period.

3

Our son knows and likes the grandmother and if we go with a local camp, he will have a structured situation with more kids to play with and field trips every week and the like which he will also like. Both situations we are confident will keep him safe (we have experience with grandma, the camps are fully licensed and have been in business for some time).

There are pros and cons to either situation but he’ll be safe and happy at either place. While of course I agree that his safety is our main consideration, it will not be compromised no matter where we send him so that’s not a determing factor in our choice. I assume you can understand that.

Thanks for agreeing that it’s very possibly a concern for her, but that doesn’t help me ask her with that in mind without insulting her. Any ideas?

4

I don’t think there is a way you can ask her. Is there someone else (the daughter?) you can talk to.

Don’t even talk about your child care with her, just ask how her mom is doing, and try and gently steer the conversation towards financial. Talk about how much she’s meant to you and how much you appreciate all that she’s done for your son and that you’re a little concerned. It might work, and she might think you’re a crazy stalker. Depends a lot on her personality and yours. However that’s better odds than dealing with grandma because she will tell you what she thinks is necessary for you, not always the truth.

5

Summer is several months long, why not split the difference? One month at camp, one month with grandma? Win, win!

6

Indeed, I had trusted that safety was not a concern either way.

I really meant the experiential benefits of each, which isn’t necessarily determined by quantity of field trips, but also the quality of personal interactions and the example of good and wise elders. A really amazing camp could be superior, but most commercial operations don’t approach that level.

And what I meant there was that I hardly saw the need to ask. She could use the money.

But if you must make inquiries, Moonlitherial’s suggestion is good. After getting into the conversation, and talking at length about how valuable you found the lady’s assistance in your previous situation, and how grateful you were for her generosity, you could say “I was glad we were able to repay part of that by helping when there was that trouble with the electricity,” or something like that. Unless the daughter then explains how that was the result of an unusual circumstance, and things are better now, I’d understand that the pinch was still there at some level.

7

Echoing this. Most camps, even ones with shiny brochures full of smiling stock photos of smiling stock children, are little more than warehouses staffed with teens babysitting your kids by keeping them from killing one another, and not much more. I yanked my kid out of a highly acclaimed YMCA affiliated daycamp in a hoity toity 'burb of Chicago 'cause he just wasn’t doing anything worthwhile or fun. He absolutely hated being there, and had a much better time with his grandmother.

Now, it’s possible that there really is an amazing camp near you, in that case, nevermind.

I agree that the daughter of your babysitter is probably the best route to go. I’ve been where your sitter is, and there’s just *no *good way for me to say, “Look, I’m really strapped for cash and I like your kid, I hate to see him *and *your money go!” And I’d have been utterly humiliated had a parent said, “Look, this is an inconvenience, but I think you really need the money!”

The only other way I can think of is to call the sitter and ask her if she knows of any daycamps in your area, because you’re considering that as an option for the summer. If she quickly answers, “Oh, but I’d *love *to have him again!” you can bet she still needs the income.

8

There are some beautiful camps up my way. Real outdoorsy and well run. My kids always went to camp for a month every summer and liked it. My town also runS a wonderful day camp program Mon- Fridays and they go everywhere. To the mountains and beaches and lakes and water park.

As someone said all summer is a long separation but maybe a month with her and a couple seeks home and then some kind of camp? Good LUCK!

9

If your main decision point is whether she needs the money, I think it’s pretty clear that she does. And even if she can get by without the money, surely it will help her out to have it.

So I suggest you forgo asking her or anyone about her finances, assume she can use the money, and make your decision accordingly.