I think Huey Lewis has the answer to this one.
A new girlfriend can make you feel all of those things.
Ahhh… to be young and in love again. So exciting, yet so painful. What a wonderful feeling.
I recommend chocolate. Lots of it. There is a slight problem with #6 but WHO CARES? 
This is the most complete and fascinating compendium of information on recreational drugs and herbs that I have found. There is very complete information on lots of substances, good and bad. You might find something you like here, or at least be able to learn why you do or do not want to do drugs.
Well, there is testosterone, but it has those DAMN dangerous mental side effects!
Far be it from me to criticize LSD, being quite an enthusiast myself, but I’d have to say it does violate #7, dangerous mental side effects.
How about Christ? Wait, He wouldn’t work for 5 and 6 on your list.
or #9
http://www.banned-width.com/shel/works/high.html
the answer to your quest AND the best poem in the whole wide world.
ephedrine
I think it qualifies with your criteria. Personally not too wild about it, but a friend of mine used to take it before he went to work for the night shift all the time. Definately keeps you up.
read up on it at: http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/ephedrine/ephedrine.shtml
-cool site Meephead
Cite, please?
What about that weird toad you can lick?
Screw cites. I’m going to use anecdotal evidence and consider it completely valid. (In fact, when it comes to the not well understood world of LSD, I’d consider it more valid because my experience gives me solid knowledge of what LSD can, in some situations, do. Getting a bunch of subjects together and psychologically testing them for vaguely defined psychological disorders proves little.) I see permanent tracers because I’ve taken a relatively large amount of acid. Some friends have it even worse, and I know people who are largely incoherent because of either prolonged exposure to acid or a few ridiculously large doses, often by accident. Maybe it’s not “scientific.” It could have been something we ate (er, well, it was, I guess, or something we soaked into our skin in some cases, but whatever), but c’mon. C’mon.
Tzel,
Sounds like your experienced to me. So how about this question what about shrooms did they have the same side affects as LSD(since they don’t have stricknine (sp) in them)?
I had to take a drug class one time and they listed all the bad side affect and long term bad effects and shrooms didn’t seem to have any thing concrete against doing them. I have since quit using drugs but have wondered about shrooms?
I’ve always been told that strychnine in LSD is largely a myth. If it does show up, it’s probably because someone was suckered in by that myth. It was originially claimed that strychnine somehow binds the liquid LSD to the blotter, but that is completely inaccurate. (I’ve also heard people complain of strychnine in liquid LSD, which makes no sense even in the context of the myth.) As far as mushrooms, I don’t think they are as bad as LSD, but I wouldn’t take them lightly. I’ve only taken them 3 times or so, and don’t really take them at all anymore because I have some sort of strong resistance to them that makes it difficult to get off properly. I don’t take acid anymore either, or at least I tell myself I won’t.
What - no one’s mentioned Nitrous Oxide yet?
-
Legal in US?
Yup, but I think you need some qualifications to dispense it, so the best source is your friendly dentist. -
Happy all the time?
Well, yeah, as long as you’re breathing it. It makes you happy enough that you really don’t mind that someone’s drilling holes in your teeth or poking your gums with sharp, pointy instruments - and that’s pretty happy. Of course, you do have to stop breathing it at some point or it will kill you, but that’s where those dispensing qualifications come in handy. -
Give lots of energy?
Does mental energy count? My brain really fizzes along in a nitrous atmosphere. I come up with all kinds of brilliant ideas - I’ve even written Odes to Dentristy while under its influence. I do notice these brilliancies tend to lose a lot of significance once I’ve started breathing good ol’ Double-O again, but hey, they were certainly entertaining compared to that root canal. -
Side effects?
None that I know of - except that dying thing. And possibly a slight wooziness when the dentist brings the chair back to the upright position. -
Not visible to others?
You mean aside from the big tank, the nosecone over your face and the insane giggling? Well, no one can tell what’s going on inside your head, if that’s what you mean. -
Addictive?
I have no data on that - but I do visit my dentist regularly. Hmmmmmmm. Maybe that bastard has me hooked! -
Mental side effects?
Can’t say I’ve really lemon drop, but I haven’t noticed any difference. -
Perform your job?
Well, OK, using it while working is pretty much impossible. But why would you want to waste a good high on work? -
Sexual side effects?
Apart from the fantasizing about one’s dentist and/or dental technicians while using it?
I know, there is NO rule ten. The list just seemed incomplete without one.
You can get whippets - little nitrous-filled cartridges used to make whipped cream. But they require a certain amount of paraphenalia and don’t last very long. Nope - go to the dentist, I say, and demand your nitrous! Believe me, it’s a gas.
Some named Cecil once wrote this on nitrous oxide. Note the long term side effects.
If a drug could qualify for 1-5 and 7, there’s no way it could qualify for 6. Anything that pleasurable would be psychologically addictive. Hell, anything that’s pleasurable at all can be addictive, at least to a degree. I’m hooked on the SDMB, Rush songs, and watching syndicated reruns of the Simpsons every night at 10. Maybe not to the point of holding up a liquor store so I could buy a copy of Hemispheres, but I still crave these things a bit.
Anyway, I gather from criterion #3 that the OP is looking for a stimulant. I’d say the closest thing you’re going to find is ephedrine. If you’re young and have a strong heart, you should be okay. It increases your heart rate, but hey, it’s a stimulant and that’s what stimulants do. I’ve never heard of an ephedrine junky, so the addiction potential can’t be too great. It’s cheap, too. Maybe $6 for 60 pills. Side effects are generally mild for most people. A small percentage suffer from hallucinations, dizziness, vomitting, etc. Here is some patient information for ephedrine.
Whoops. Let’s try that (http://www.rxlist.com/scripts/patient/piumore.pl?mononum=349&dc_category=Colds_and_Flus&order=0&type=&item=) again.
get a book on herbs and other natural ‘drugs’ try out a few that fits what you want. a good book is Dr Atkins vitanutrent solution even if you are not on his diet. He goes into detail of what each - herb, vit, min, fat, amino acid, + others I think - will do. One I recommend for energy is DMG - forgot what it stood for but I take it what I feel tired during the day, have no adictiveness at least for me 