What do you think goes through these suicide squirrels’ minds as they dart to the edge of the curb…sit there and wait till you are 10 feet from them… and then launch their little bodies in a desperate race to beat your car across the road? I have mused about what their little peanut brain might be thinking as they flirt with 2000 lbs or so of death. Sometimes they actually beat my truck and when I look back in the rear view mirror, instead of seeing a smashed squirrel body they are instead, standing triumphantly on the other curb casually eating a pecan or something. Do you think they might be doing it for thrills?? I was thinking maybe they have won that race many times before and came to enjoy it so much that they are confidently playing the game on purpose. I figure maybe they have lived in our streets with cars for so long over the last 70 years or so that this is a blood sport for them otherwise why would they so desperately need to get to the other curb in the face of almost certain death?
err umm I would never discuss this with the employees at work they would never understand and would probably think I am wacko, however I feel confident that SD’ers will not only understand but will share some views about this most important subject.
“I think it speaks to the duality of man sir.”
(private Joker in Full Metal Jacket)
Harumph! As my fellow dopers are obviously not taking this serious question with the gravity it deserves, it behooves me to answer: beats me.
At least squirrels will dither a bit and then dash for safety. Chipmunks dart out, stare at the car, almost make it to safety and then dash right back into the path of the car!
I’ve wondered if squirrels are processing moving hunks of metal with rodent brains that try to translate the situation into normal terms. “Hmm, the tree sure is movin’ fast and it doesn’t seem to have any branches I can jump on. WTF!?”
BTW, another squirrel related theory: the local energy companies are the largest group of hunters during squirrel season. Think about it; every time the power goes kaput, what’s the company line? “Squirrel got into a transformer.”
In point of fact they have no clue what caused the outage. So they get into the back of the truck, pull out the Coleman cooler and toss a frozen squirrel caracass into the said transformer.
aha: The squirrels attempt to sacrifice themselves to their Dark Gods, specifically Cth’ipdale, the Evil Overlord of somewhat cute rodents.
Always be vigilant regarding these apparent ‘mishaps’. Squirrels that successfully commit ritual suicide by throwing themselves under the wheels of cars only further the plot of the insane Cth’ipdale. First, their spiritual essence is released in this dark ritual as a direct conduit of power for Cth’ipdale. Second, their squashed bodies become mindless vessels for Cth’ipdale to raise from the dead and use for his evil works.
I can speak little more of the great Cth’ipdale, who in the sunken City Park of Ryleh lies sleeping. To inform you would only drive you to the teetering brink that I inhabit…
Ia! Ia! Brek’thtoth! Emie See! Kay eewhi! Emo! Ueth! Ia!
JMCJ
This could be YOUR sig line! For just five cents a post, JMCJ Enterprises will place YOUR sig line at the bottom of each message!
The squirrel is probably thinking:
What’s that noise?
Then, when it finally associates the noise with your vehicle: Damn! There’s a big rock coming at me! I’d better get out of its way!
Since the squirrel doesn’t know that you’re going to avoid the sidewalk, it just runs any which way it can to get out of your way. Unfortunately, sometimes that leads it in your path.
Anyway, a few years ago I hit two squirrels in two consecutive days. The second I saw writhing in it’s final throes of death in my rearview mirror. I felt my karmic reserve drop to an all time low. The next couple years were sheer hell. I attributed all this to karmic recompense for the squirrel murders. Life was really terrible for a while there…Then I got a divorce and realized it wasn’t the damn squirrels after all.
“It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.”
There aren’t very many squirrels around here, so I don’t have any insights into that problem. What interests me is that when you encounter a rabbit in a vehicle (while YOU’RE in a vehicle, I mean), it will zigzag back and forth in front of your car in its attempt to make an escape, an instinctive tactic that probably helps it elude many a coyote, but is worse than useless when applied to your average Toyota station wagon.
Despite my best efforts, there are still plenty of squirrels around here.
Anyway, for those that don’t want to assist in the elimination of these urban vermin, there is something you can do. A friend told me how to avoid splattering road squirrels. (I’ve tried it, and it seems to work.) Just honk your horn while maintaining a straight line–don’t swerve. For some reason, this helps them make up their minds to actually cross the road rather than doing the “shuck and jive” dance.
Ironically, the horn in my '92 Cutlass doesn’t work.
Actually, they are all adolescent male squirrels, who are doing it on a dare to prove something about their bravery to their fellow adolescent male squirrels.
All I know is that thanks to these actions by the little nutcases, my family and friends refer to any inane idiotic action as being a PSD. (Poor Squirel Discision.)
>>Being Chaotic Evil means never having to say your sorry…unless the other guy is bigger than you.<<
I haven’t studied evolution much, but I wonder if there could be a negative side effect on the animal population if natural selection is at work here.
At least with some of the bigger vermin, like raccoons, I and others I’ve discussed the matter have observed that there seems to be more roadkill during the mating season. The conclusion we’ve drawn is that the little varmits are so focused on tracking down the scent of a mate that they don’t notice it’s leading them across a busy thoroughfare.
My point is, if the horny, determined animals are getting smooshed, then doesn’t that leave behind the less ambitious animals? Won’t these animals, if they get around to mating, pass on their lethargic libidos which will eventually cause an overall reduction of the species’ sex drive?
Nevermind. This is too damn silly.
“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy
