There once were two sirs, Mason, Dixon,
Who looked at some borders needin fixin’,
Thru wars, tea, and ale,
Their friendship won’t fail,
But reality gets a good mixin’.
They thought little Lucy was barmy.
Now they lead a chimerical army.
Just when things are most tragic,
behold!, deeper magic.
The moral? Even death cannot harm me.
A magical nickel to wish on
Grants half wishes–a tricky condition
The four kids learned it’s nice
to make every wish twice
And to employ wit, pluck and volition
When their dad left Four Murry tots
A big tesseract filled his thoughts
Soon the children all knew
Which and Whatsit and Who
And would battle IT on Camazotz
With his charmed life, the young infant Potter
Survived nasty Voldemort’s slaughter
Just as Sybill foretold;
But how would it have go’ed
Had Lily and James had a daughter?
There once was a young orphan named Pip
Whose dream was to become hip
He loved young Estella
She snubbed the poor fella
Magwitch his benefactor? What a trip!
The “Way of Bushido’s” summation
Defied the changing of a nation
we come to find out
through hollywood no doubt
The Last Samurai’s a stoopid caucasian
King Lear seemed to be an old tool
Who told him the truth? His old fool.
Banished daughter Cordelia
Started acting peculia’
Sat down and chatted with an old stool.
That old Art of War of Sun Tzu’s
The Gen’rals and CEOs choose
But the portion that counts
As advice just amounts
To this tidbit: “Remember, don’t lose.”
Yossarian refuses to fly
Because he’s afraid he’ll die
Everyone is crazy
And the law is quite hazy
But hooray! Orr didn’t die!
There once was a red-crosse knight
Who for the parents of Una did fight
A dragon he battled
‘Til it gave its death rattle
And cured their terrible plight.
With the Civil War draft getting hotter
Mr. Clemens lights out for Nevada
where his stint as a miner
and a cruise on a liner
get turned into lecture hall fodder.
When a young girl gets lost in a mirror
things seem to get queerer and queerer.
Though it all seem a mess,
it’s a neat game of chess.
When she reaches square 8, let us cheer her!
By rescuing a boy from the fray
An rich old man saves the day
He was an ex-con
Whose name was Valjean
He died when his angel went away
The jewels of the smith Feanor
Were light that all Ea adored
But Morgoth he took 'em
'Til Manwe said “book 'im”
But their sight in most cases’s no more.
Bard Edward Abbey did float
Down Glen Canyon in a tiny boat
Then the man took it over
And built a dam over
Its Lake Powell, and that’s all she wrote.
Louis was a somber bloodsucker
He didn’t like to take in his supper
With a gift he was cursed
But by far the worst
He was stuck with Lestat, that mean fucker.
The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger:
Working for Anna Wintour, the Boss From Hell
Inspired this poison kiss-and-tell:
Catching pitches and fits
And scoring silk cable-knits.
Fashion interships sure are a hard sell!
There once was an old wolf named Harry
who never did mingle or marry.
Pablo slips him a mickey.
The girls give him a quickie.
But it’s life, and not magic, that’s scary.
Fred got shot. It was bad. He had pain.
He improves. Falls in love. Takes a train.
They get stuck. He escapes.
Rows a boat. With his mate.
People die. In the war. In the rain.
The Wheel of Time turns; and the Ages
Come and go --well, so claim the sages.
I’m not convinced, though;
The Third Age won’t go
Even though it’s been EIGHT THOUSAND PAGES.
Young Portnoy’s dad was uncaring
And Mama was real overbearing
He grew up successful
(Career a bit stressful)
And Monkey was iffy on sharing…
Nice work, Krokodil.
I don’t know what kind of limerick rules there are, but I’m ignoring them anyway.
Young Humbert falls deeply in love
With a gal not quite pure as a dove
He winds up in jail
Where soon ends his tale
For his lady was only 'round twelve.
(I see Sample already handled that one, but I couldn’t resist.)
My state will be fine, with nary a doubt
Said Plato (though others would pout)
For I’ve got some notions
To wipe out the emotions
Of verse - sorry Homer, you’re out.
Its the end of the world, choose your sages
Captain Tripps spreads in numerous stages
Randall Flagg spreads his seed
Send the Four with due speed
For a nuclear showdown in vegas
An outer-space spider, I hear
Takes the form of whatever you fear
Kids gone without a trace
Seen that sewer clown’s face
Cause baby, we all float down here
Omphaloskeptic… heheh… snort