I’m friends with both halves of a couple; I met them at about the same time, as a couple, but ended up hanging out with and getting to know each of them individually rather than together as a couple. I pretty much really love both of them.
But I can’t stand to be around them as a couple.
Apart, he’s cool; relaxed, a little ribald in a good-time and good-natured way. Together, he’s incredibly guarded and quick to not talk about certain subjects or to even flat-out say “we can’t talk about that” when she’s present. Apart, she’s relaxed and is a good-time girl, ready to chow down on a hot dog or drink a few beers. Together, she gets prissy and delicate, a wilting flower.
Together, he’s whipped; she basically dictates everything and he’s instantly cowed. She has him on a diet. There are certain things he’s “not allowed” to do, talk about, be into, etc. He’s ridiculously protective of and hovering around her to the point where things constantly feel uptight and tense, because she’s doing the delicate flower role and he’s trying to be this protecting dad-figure.
They’re also one of those ridiculous PDA couples where they hang all over each other waaaaaaaay too much in otherwise casual public situations, like eating dinner or just hanging out.
What do you do when you have two friends that you love as individuals but can’t stand as a couple?
There’s only one couple in my past that fit this criterion. First I worked with her, and when she learned my background, she told her husband about me and he helped me get a much better job where he worked. She and I got along. He and I got along.
So one evening, my husband and I went out with the two of them. Once. Only once. Apparently when they were together, they did “routines” - it was pretty obvious that they were performing for us. When that evening was over, my husband and I knew we’d never go anywhere with them again, and we didn’t.
[Cake]
It’s not that I don’t like you
But it’s not that I don’t love you
It’s not that I don’t think you are
Two of the most
Perfectly
Beautiful
People in your world
In your world of two
There’s only room for you
In your world of two
[/Cake]
Take uncomfortable comfort in the inevitable. Eventually, one or both of them will tire of the unnatural role they’ve been forced into, and the relationship will end in a very unhappy manner.
Me, I’m a brutally honest and meddlesome bastard. I’d be flat out asking each of them (when they’re alone) how they can be happy not being themselves, how they can be happy making their mate not be themselves.
One of my good friends from college has been involved with this girl for a couple years now, he met her on OKcupid. He’s an aspiring actor and a real clown, very open, happy-go-lucky. She’s a teacher for disabled children and uptight as hell. She doesn’t like “your mom” jokes so he can’t tell them around her. She has weird rules about food and is picky about restaurants. She never wants to go out (she’s always “not feeling well”) but she doesn’t want him to go out without her. Often, we’ll invite him somewhere, and he’ll say, “I can’t, Jenna wants me home”. When she does come out, she’s a wet blanket, always complaining about something or other, and it doesn’t help that she has a very stressful job. She always wants to leave early. The two of them came to a new year’s party and she went into a bedroom and wanted everyone to stay in the bedroom with her b/c she didn’t want to mingle. The other night, he came out because I was moving out of town, and the text messages started asking him when he was coming home.
Among our friend group, we’re all pretty disappointed about not seeing him as much, but we understand that they’re established and you can’t have one without the other. There are reasons he’s so attached to her, not the least of which is that he’s jewish and he’s been looking for a jewish girl who has the same perspective on religion and tradition and family- so perhaps your friend has his reasons for valuing her in ways that you don’t see/understand.
Well, if I was secure enough about my own relationship with both halves of the duo, I’d try to work up enough nerve to talk to each of them separately.When I did I’d do my best to express how the worrisome aspects of their couple-behaviours effected me , being careful to present my observations with an air of comradely concern rather than taking a negative tone – especially about the absent one; nothing gets some people’s dandruff up like hearing a third party criticize their sweetie. Or you could just steel yourself to approach the two of them, take a deep breath and tell them both at the same time, as a couple, what’s bugging you. If these folks are really your good friends, you should be open about it when beefs arise , rather than letting unspoken resentments gather and percolate between you.
If you’re asking what you can do to make spending time with them less unpleasant, the answer is spend less time with them.
If you’re asking what you can do to improve their relationship, your best bet is to remove your head from your ass long enough to realize that their relationship isn’t about you, and mind your own damned business.
They have their reasons for behaving the way they do, and if they’ve been doing it for years, one must necessarily assume that it is, in some way you don’t recognize, working for them. If they haven’t *asked * for your opinion, keep it to yourself.
Hmm. Your comments about PDA sound an awful lot like sublimated envy. Sounds like you need a girlfriend who can whip you into shape, maybe get you on a diet. You could do with some boundary-setting and to lose a few pounds, you know, nothing cosmetic but for your health. And I bet your friend there could hook you up with a friend of hers.
Then the four of you could learn to play bridge and spend your evenings bickering away from the rest of us. Well, except that I like to play bridge, but it’s a two-partership game. OK, I guess it’s Canasta for you.
I have a couple friends that love the PDA way to much. My stock response to them is: “Hey islands in the stream! unless you plan on including me in on your little love session; take that shit outta’ here”
To which they just completely ignore me and keep doing what they’re doing anyway.
I at least get a chuckle out of the rest of the spectators tho’.
(heh, Islands in the stream. I crack me up!)
