Lumpy Bumpy Dumpity Doo (possible TMI, lump on cooch and other crises)

Oh for holy fucking shit’s sake, can anything ever just happen conveniently at one time? My guess is that the answer to that stupid question is a resounding NO.

I am flying from CT to CA (SFO) at 1:00 tomorrow, hopefully to be in time to send my favorite little brother into the OR for a not entirely surprise heart valve replacement. I booked my flight and scrambled an AirBnB room within 3 blocks of the hospital by 5pm, packing and getting things taken care of all evening.

Then, of course, my cat Prowler got attacked by some hateful, biting feline fuckwit and needs to see the vet for antibiotic injection first thing (clear puncture bites left and right haunch)l Thank god I have a vet who is amenable to such last minute drop ins, and that I have dope enough to get Prowler into the carrier/car/horrific nightmare that typically constitutes a vet visit.

So, packing frantically this evening, casually counting up lacerations on kitty to be attended to first thing in am, I take a restroom break and discover this…thing on my cooch, specifically on the upper right mons pubis. A lump, sore when pressed, no head or eruption, but a marble-like swelling well under the skin.

Can’t say I’m overjoyed at the prospect of spending 8 or so hours in coochie-sweating cramped coach seating while this shit develops further tomorrow. Nor am I feeling particularly relaxed that I’d probably be the one person who inadvertently introduces some MRSA kind of shit to my dear little brother right after his heart operation.

What the fucking shit do I do?!?! Hot compress tonight? Antibiotic ointment? Pack pads tomorrrow? For background, I have endless UTI history (and one recent), plus been on antibiotics for long undiagnosed/ignored Lyme for about 18 months. And am a compulsive hand washer and bather.

Oh and this is all on the eve of the first anniversary of our loss of our middle brother, from esophageal cancer last July.

Ugh, seriously. What the fuck, life?!?!? What to do?!

I dunno. Kinda sounds like a big zit that just needs some more time to get to the surface. I would do a hot compress, wear cotton, and address it tomorrow evening in the hotel room. Make sure you have a compact mirror with you.

Just a guess. I’ve had three of exactly what you describe (I’m 41) in the past (like, one every 5 years or so, size of a pea and hard) and they just turned out to be monster zits that needed to be lanced (with a pin, soaked for a while in alcohol, after cleaning the area well)

For kitty bite wounds, an injection called Convenia can be used - see if your vet has it. It’s more expensive than Clavamox of course, but you don’t have to try to get someone to dose your cat twice a day while you’re gone. Plus, you know, he needs to stay inside. For good would be nice, but at least while he’s healing, plus he should be tested for FIV in about 90 days. (if you were talking about a fight outside. hard to tell for sure from your post)

Hope your trip goes well from here on out.

Sounds like it could be an ingrowing hair?

Thanks for the reassuring (if totally gross) explanation of the cooch lump. I’ll compress before I leave and hope for the best today. For the record, I am decidedly not a zit popping fanatic. More like total barf and horror.

Definitely going to request the Convenia - that’s the long acting one, right? And yes, she will definitely be staying in while I’m away. We never had problems before this year when this orange and white prick showed up. Now my cats only want to go out if I’m with them, last night was an unfortunate exception. Fortunately, we are up to date on all vax.

My brother’s surgery is scheduled for 8am PST. Send positive thoughts!

Sheee-it, when it rains it pours :mad:

Last summer I had the joy of dealing with evil thing called a Bartholin Gland Abscess in or around the same area. Apparently you can get rid of them when they’re small by sitting in a hot bath with either salt or Epsom salts in the water and pressing a washcloth soaked in hot water to draw out the ick.

I’d take pads if you’re going to try and tackle it yourself, because there’s liable to be drainage.

After you get home try to wrangle a gyn appointment just to make sure everything’s OK down there.

I’m sending good luck vibes to your brother! :slight_smile:

EWWWWW Ghod! I’m about to hurl just thinking about all that…so far it’s no worse today, hooray.
Meanwhile, Prowler got her long acting antibiotics and a cute haircut (not) and a shitty ride in the car and is back home safe.
My hermanito is in surgery, all on schedule according to friends on site.

Me, I’m in Charlotte, waiting on a plane. Thanks for all the good thoughts!

Here is a friends blog post about Bartholin Gland Abscess. Not for the squeemish.

Feh, I can top that one.

Warning: TMI ahead. Not for the weak of stomach.

No, really, this is seriously gross and horrifying. You may not want to read this.

OK, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I had one that they thought could just be drained without marsupialization–so they gave me multiple shots of lidocaine (which does dick-all on inflamed, infected tissue), slashed it open with a scalpel, squeezed it, mashed it, packed it full of gauze and held pressure on it for what seemed like a million years. Then they sent me home, whereupon I discovered that in the time it took to get dressed, hit the ladies’ room, pick up a script and drive home, I’d bled through a huge stack of gauze, one of those huge doctor’s office pads, my underwear, and my pants. And the bleeding was not responding to direct pressure.

My husband came home from work, helped me get cleaned up, and drove me back over. They tried all sorts of things to get the bleeding stopped, most of which involved putting an elephant’s worth of weight/pressure against my mangled crotch. Since that wasn’t working, they brought out the electrocautery and zapped me in the coochie. Several times. With no anesthesia or pain meds. Then they tried direct pressure again. Then they went back to the cautery. After a few rounds of this, they finally decided to take me to the OR and just remove the damn thing.

OMG, sorry, I laughed. OWEEEE!

I laughed, I cried, I barfed! Oh Jesus. Praying it doesn’t come to anything near that.

In the good news files: hermanito out of the ER and in recovery! House sitter reports that Prowler is feeling spot on and ready to go out and finish the fight. Needless to say, that request has been denied.

OK, since the OP seems to have been reassured on the cooch lump, brother is out of ER and kitty is better, and we’re telling TMI stories…

I developed a cooch lump a couple of years ago, only mine was kind of buried in the outer labial fold. When I noticed it, it was about pea-sized. I had it checked out and was told it was probably a sebaceous cyst and, unless it was bothering me, I didn’t need to do anything about it. Over the course of several years, it got bigger and bigger, until, as the nurse practitioner observed, “That must be like sitting on a golf ball!” We were discussing a hysterectomy anyway, so she said I should ask the ob/gyn who was going to do the surgery to take a look at it. He did, and his comment was, “Holy cow! That thing’s huge! Why didn’t you have this taken care of sooner?” I said, “Because everyone said not to do anything about it unless it was bothering me!”

It was determined that he would remove it while I was under for the hysterectomy. And so it came to pass. When I read the pathology report on the surgery, it turns out it was not a sebaceous cyst, but a hidradenoma papiiliferum, which is a rare tumor that is more or less…out-of-place breast tissue. WTF???

Oh my god, we are veering into freaky cell aberration territory here. I did have a - oh shit, what was it called? I can’t recall the name, but basically my ovary had decided it was doing its own thing for a while, and grew and grew, arbitrarily reproducing some bazillion unrelated or unused cells, until it was the size of an Idaho potato and it felt like I had a croquet ball bouncing around inside me anytime I sat down. Finally it was removed! It had been growing random teeth, hair and eye cells. I am so glad I never had to see it.


Still no advancement on my current cooch lump. Which I believe is fast becoming band name material.

I’ve had these like twice…huge, painful and like a big zit on your crotch…mine had pus in it…not sure what the hell it was…thought maybe I had a disease of some kind…but I have not had it in about 7 years…not sure what was up with that???

Oh, geez. Those are ovarian dermoid cysts. Word to the wise—when Googling thus because you want to be sure you get the name correct, you may inadvertently and without warning open a page that has pictures of this freakshow. What has been seen cannot be unseen.

'Sokay, it is funny. And you’re not kidding about the oweeee bit, either–I got up the next morning and went to work without any pain meds because it didn’t seem painful at all, compared to the previous day.

You had a boob growing on your vulva?

I bow before the Ultimate Woman :smiley:

I had a sebaceous cyst on my bikini line a few years ago. It was painful, mostly because of shaving and it happened to be right where underwear elastic lies. I used hot compresses to relieve the pain and pressure on the advice of the doctor. It worked and I haven’t had it come back.

My wife had an ingrown hair that was deep, and nasty, in her… bikini region.

I had advised her to put a heating pad on it to bring it to a head and she could then take care of it. she left the heating pad on during a 2 hour nap.

When she woke up, she had this THING, this giant, shiny THING on her girly bits that I could see the thick braided hairs in. It was grotesque, and also fascinating. The skin over the top had been stretched so thin by the “head”, or build up of pus, or whatever, that I could see through it.

She lanced it, and it apparently was a gusher. We ended up running into the docs office that day (I was amazed they could squeeze us in (heh) but they did. Doc said to just treat it like a cut or other wound, but be very careful and if it seemed to be getting infected to come in right away.


You win :eek::eek::eek:

The worst part of mine was this January (the Festering Lump of DOOOOOM happened last June) getting a bill for close to $1000 because the doctor who treated me isn’t on my insurance company’s list of providers :mad:

Glad to hear it went well with your brother (and that the cat’s as ferocious as ever!)

Wife has had several of these cysts on her labia. Feels about like a garden pea and comes to a head within a few days of when they are really noticable.

Prick with a pin to get things started and then squeeze out an ASTOUNDING amount of crud. It has an odor that closely resembles belly button lint. You will want some tissues or something to wipe up the crud.

A small amount of blood follows the crud, and then it heals up very quickly.

YMMV of course.