M. Night Shyamalan, you should drown in a vat of boiling horse semen

The BBQ Pit
1

Mr. Shyamalan, I want to introduce you to my friend, Mr. Vat of Horse Semen. Instead of shaking hands, this friend of mine likes for people to step inside of him. Here, right up this little ladder. There, now just slide in there, lay back, and relax.

Today I saw “The Happening.” The new movie by Mr. Shyamalan. His last film, “Lady in the Water,” used to be the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life. Now, that spot has been filled by “The Happening.” I can’t believe a movie this horrible ever made it to production. This film was an absolute abomination. It sucked so much yak cock, it would put the most hardened veteran of the Tibetan sex-show circuit to shame. It would make her slit her own wrists in existential despair over the fact that no matter how many Himalayan bull yaks she sucks off to the raucous applause of screaming crowds, sweaty mountain climbers and Sherpas throwing twenty-dollar bills and Euros and gold coins at her, she will never, ever, ever be able to even come close to the record of yak cock sucked by “The Happening.”

You comfortable, M. Night? Good. Isn’t it comfortable inside the big vat of horse semen? There, just relax for a second. Have a cigar. It’s a Montecristo. No, it’s not Cuban. It’s Dominican. Cuban cigars are overrated - the Dominican ones are just as good, and you don’t have to support communism. That’s a good cigar, isn’t it? Here, have a glass of Scotch. Single-malt, aged 19 years - enjoy.

The plot of “The Happening” was easily the most retarded, utterly retarded plot I have ever seen in my entire 22 years of movie watching. The dialog literally sounded like it was written by someone with autism. Seriously, I’m now convinced that M. Night Shyamalan has full-blown autism and has no fucking idea how human beings actually talk to each other in real life.

Alright, Shyamalan, now just wait a second. (I reach down and turn up the heat knob - all the way to 200 degrees.) It’s nice and warm now, right, Mr. Shayamalan? Good, I’m glad you like it. There now, it’s getting a little warmer. What? It’s too hot now? Turn it down? Yeah, sure, I’ll turn it down.

(I reach down and turn the heat knob up to 300 degrees.)

There, that should feel better. It’s still too hot, you say? What? I can’t understand what you’re saying! Stop screaming.

Gluguguggg…glrrghhhh…guuullllg…gurhhrghhh…that’s the sound of M. Night Shayamalan’s lungs filling up with the boiling semen of an Arabian stallion. Actually, from 289 different stallions, because you need to collect a lot of semen to fill a big vat like this one. Gllrhhhghh…guulglgllgglll…his nasal passages and sinuses are completely clogged now. He’s swallowed so much of the boiling horse jissum that his stomach is actually distended, bulging, quite near to rupturing, in fact. His skin is blistered all over, swollen red and white, and his flesh is actually sliding off of his bones. He’s still making a desperate attempt to swim to the top of the boiling cauldron of horse come and reach for the edge, but when he grabs hold of it, the skin peels right off of his hand. He’s flailing about, splashing the grayish-white, fetid semen everywhere, but to no avail. With his insides clogged thoroughly with the jissum, with a pathetic gurgle, Shyamalan gives up his battle to live, and floats face-down, motionless, in the giant vat of horse semen.

2

I found the concept of being threatened by angry grass and trees utterly terrifying, and will never go outside again.

3

Soooo, not a fan of Shyamalan’s movies, then?

4

“Unbreakable” worked for me, but I’m not overly keen on anything else he has done.

5

Dude on the radio said basically the same thing about the movie, but he didn’t say anything about a vat of horse semen.

6

Richard Gere supporting the Dali Lama is finally starting to make sense. The contests and rivalry between him and Carey Lowell must be a sight to behold.

tosses out gold & Euros

7

Excellent use of livestock semen to evoke the imagery, you have a knack for semen related writing.

I almost want to see the movie now. Without the horse semen.

8

Aw, but the horse semen is half the fun!

9

Well if “Lady in the Water” was previously the worst film you’ve ever seen in your life, what the hell did you expect from “The Happening?” Hell, I learned that lesson back when “Signs” came out.

It will just serve you right if Shamalyan is inspired to write his next script about mysterious goings-on in a breeding stable.

10

Lucky for me, I have a lawnmower!

Plotting against me, are ya grass? Well I’ve got news for you! I’m changing the mower to a shorter setting! Muahaha! What? I hear you trees! I’ve got a pruning hook with your name on it! I’ll prune ya limb from limb! Don’t make me get the chipper!

11

The cult of M. Night Shamalamadingdong approaches Whedon levels in its fandom of patently stupid so-called entertainment. This thread is redundant inasmuch as it didn’t even need to be said for the people that know, and the rest are too busy blowing huge wads of jism into the air to trouble themselves to read it.

12

It was a surprise, but now Argent Towers has ruined it.

13

He’s got a fandom? Really?

I mean, I actually like a more-than-average amount of his work, but seriously. They’re weird little movies from a weird little man. There’s not that much ‘there’ there.

14

There’s a reason that he is paid to make that crap long after everybody realized that his stuff is supernaturally awful. Someone goes to see his movies, and note that his movies are advertised as “M. Night’s New Piece of Crap”.

It’s one thing to know that Spielberg makes a movie. It’s another thing to be all John Carpenter about it.

15

The thing is M. Night IMO has good directing abilities and stage direction and all that stuff (putting himself in movies notwithstanding), what he needs to do is lose the fucking ego and let someone else write for a change. I think stepping back and letting someone else flesh out the plot or story, even if he insists on it being based around his idea and then letting him use his direction abilities would have potential to be a really good movie. As it stands his writing skills are making all his movies fail miserably though.

16

Yeah, he reminds me a lot of Roman Polanski, except he’s Indian and he sucks.

17

And last time I checked, Spielberg isn’t a humorless douchebag who takes himself waaaaaay too seriously. (He’s egotistical-but then, who wouldn’t be?)

18

Mr. Vat of Horse Semen would be a good user name for any one of the burn-brightly-burn-quickly trolls that show up every now and then around here.

19

Remind me to not fuck with Argent Towers.

20

Argent Towers, how many horses do you have to jack off to fill a vat?