Lecture series for Undecided Freshmen - Get the big picture before declaring your major:
Sizemology - making great, big, gigantic microbes and bugs or teeny, tiny people - And when to do each.
Brain Transfer - Do you really want to share your evil genius with your schlub victim?
Your lab - Dusty and Cobwebby or Stark and Pristine?
What’s your score? - On overview of composers and their styles - find the menacing background music to accompany your nefarious experiments.
Dark and Stormy Nights - Simple meteorological indicators of the perfect weather to lure innocents to your door. Taken concurrently with “Random Vehicle Failures - Heh Heh Heh Heh”
Apocalyptic Studies are either Postgraduate or Honor Program courses, quite clearly. Ninja Pizza Guy, you are obviously not Faculty material.
However, be of Good Cheer! You can, indeed play an important role in the Advancement of Science. You have been nominated as a candidate, and approved to be a participant in , our Human Guinea Pig Program. Housing (complete with exercise wheel) and meals (what flavor pellets do you prefer?) are included! It is important to remember, as you participate as a Human Guinea Pig, that our students are trying to study. As such, your consideration in stifling your howls of shame, pain & degradation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
You can’t be a real mad scientist without nuclear physics, chemistry and mechanical engineering. You need robots & WMDs to be a real mad scientist. Or you can just do what Kim Jong Il and Hussein did, rule a country and make the scientists do your bidding instead of being one yourself.
High-Voltage Electronics 101: Learn to construct jacobs ladders, tesla coils, and all manner of stuff that productes spectacular sparks and arcs. (This equipment is necessary for re-animating corpses, or other monsters).
(WARNING: Imprper procedure may result in electrocution or death…it is recommended that lab assistants (named IGOR) handle all aspects of high-tension operations)!!
Choosing Your Disfigurement: Instilling Fear In Theory And Practice
101.1 Eww, Creepy: Nasty Coughs to Slight Limps
201.1 I’ve Got A Bad Feeling About This Guy: Missing Eyes to Hunched Backs
301.1 He Ain’t Human: An Introduction To Bio-Mechanical Augmentation
Graduate Level: Get The Hell Outta Here! - Replacing Your Arms With Deadly Prostheses
Postgraduate Study: Bullets Don’t Stop Him! - Full Cybernetic Body Upgrades
Not only do I own the textbook but I’m in the credits. More later, if I can find the school song. I do recall Dr. What’s grant application on musical theory, though.
I want to throw a musical chair in a temporal vortex. If it starts rapping, I’ll shoot it.
I want to throw a musical chair in a temporal vortex. If it starts rapping, I’ll shoot it.
I want to throw a musical chair in a temporal vortex. If it starts rapping, I’ll shoot it.
It had to be in triplicate, of course. And Howard the Dolphin’s musings. Good days.
BIO301: Genetic Engineering I: Students will learn to make four-assed monkeys. Lecture/lab. 4 credits
BIO302: Genetic Engineering II: Students will apply the skills learned in BIO301 to create other four-assed creatures. Prerequisite: BIO301. Lecture/lab. 4 credits
Literature:
ENG250: Great Literature: Students will read and analyze classics of the genre, including Shelley’s Frankenstein, Stoker’s Dracula, and other appropriate books of the instructor’s choosing. 3 credits
ENG350: Film Studies: Students will watch and analyze such films as Frankenstein, Young Frankenstein, and Dracula: Dead and Loving It. 3 credits.
Classes will cover:
Illusions,
Fashion design (bloodstained lab coat? scorched hair?),
Hypnotic patters,
Subliminal message mind-control in movies,
Camouflaging your secret lab,
Disguises,
Architecture (maybe a different dept. Gotta boobytrap your crib and make it look sweet)
…and much, much more!
Building Robots That Look Precisely Like AF709.* (Register early. This course fills up rapidly).
Choosing the Proper Affliction - Sure - all those death rays, lasers, bombs, plots to “rule the world”, etc are all frightening - but you have to look the part to give depth to your “mad scientist” persona.
It goes without saying that insanity is mandatory.
A missing body part (eye patch, “hook for a hand”, titanium leg, etc) can also give good mileage to your character.
Use it as a treasure trove for quotes - "My first attempt to perfect a nuclear toilet resulted in this "
“My ‘polar bear-taunting’ experiments would sometimes result in this !!!”
“I devoted my scientific life to the government, (corporation, army, navy, Czechoslakian Coast Guard Reserve, etc) and all I got in return was this !!!”
CAUTION: Avoid choosing minor afflictions. Heat rash, allergies, premature ejaculation will almost assuredly disqualify you from the Big League Mad Scientists.
Choosing the Proper Dramatic Music/Sound Effects
How can anyone take you seriously as a Mad Scientist if your dramatic statement or ultimatum isn’t concluded by an eerie musical chord or the sound of thunder?
“I was always aware of the danger, that my research in devising an artificial appendix could someday result in this !!”
Believe me the sounds make a big difference.
“Obtaining A Governmet Grant To Rule The World” Professor Victor Spinetti
A 1960’s TV show entitled “My Living Doll” featured a “robot” model #AF709, portrayed by the sexy and shapely Julie Newmar"
Surely a goal unworthy of any mad scientist worth his or her salt. :dubious:
The goal is not crass political thuggery, or even shady backstabbing and double-dealing. Mad Science is virtually an art form, splayed upon the canvas of science the colors of a new, ideal society precipitated purely from the mind of the Mad Scientist, not sullied by the trivialities and folibles of fraudulent elections, military coup d’etats, deals with political power brokers or even some “popular revolution.”
That and the killer robots, of course. You’ve got to have killer robots.
I wear a double-breasted Victorian laboratory smock, and Ethergoggles, so I must be plotting world domination.
I’m an expert in the field of mind control, so I must be evil.
I have a cannister of plutonium in the freezer, I must be plotting world domination.
I will not put up with these hurtful stereotypes anymore! Yes, they laughed at me. They said that I peppered in God’s lo mein! That I meddled with things man was not meant to know. Yes, I’ll show them! But not with an army of zombies or a doomsday device. I’ll give them world peace. I’ll give them flying cars that run on atmospheric polution! I will climb Olympus and steal fire from the gods themselves! Then, with the radiant light of Science, I shall lead mankind to a new and brighter day!
It takes time to -
[ul]
[li]Get back from the cemetary[/li][li]Put away…things…for later.[/li][li]Say “Hi Opal”, so she won’t feel left out.[/li][li]Pat the Hunchback on the head for a good job with pick & shovel. {Oddly, my Hunchback actually is named Pat.}[/li][li]Wash off the dirt, & the foetid odor of Death & the grave. {Not off of us, silly. Off our new friend, the one we just dug up. Oh, he’s a little…still…now, but a few hundred thousand volts, & he’ll be quite chipper! You’ll see…soon!}[/li][/ul]
Be patient!
I suggest Dr. Henry Jeckyl teach a self-help & character improvement course, entitled Better Living Through Chemistry, 301 .
, our Human Guinea Pig Program. Housing (complete with exercise wheel) and meals (what flavor pellets do you prefer?) are included! It is important to remember, as you participate as a Human Guinea Pig, that our students are trying to study. As such, your consideration in stifling your howls of shame, pain & degradation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.