They mocked our Genius! The laughed! But we’ll show them! Show them all!! BWA-HA-HA-HAHAAAAA!
And then, we’ll educate a group of really nice, gifted, brillant, totally insane kids to follow in our footsteps, and then they will also Show Them All.
So, all you Re-Animating, 1920’s Style Death Ray toting, Tressspassing Recklessly In Og’s Domain type Dopers: What kind of courses do we offer at Mad Science University?
And, what position do you want on the faculty/staff?
I, of course, am the Chancellor and Arch-Dean.
As for courses–
[ul]
[li]Maniacal Laughter 101[/li][li]Graveyard Robbing[/li][li]Care and Feeding Of Your Hunchbacked Laboratory Assistant.[/li][li]Conspiring With Evil Extraterrestrials For Fun & Profit.[/li][li]Alchemy 202: Turning Things To Gold[/li][li]Alchemy 302: Turing Your Right Arm From Gold Back To Normal Before It’s Too Late. Prerequisite: Alchemy 202: Turning Things To Gold[/li][/ul]
Well, I would like to be a Professor, but I will have to submit my curriculum later. Gotta sign off inna minute. For right now, I would like to submit Anne Marie Øveraas, Death Ray Owner for tenure, Professor of Blackmailing Countries, and on a related note, adapt The Evil Overlord List (Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach) into a text book for a Minor in Actual Practicality curriculum.
*Intro to Quantum Zero-Point Energy Physics
*Nanotechnology and Mind Control
*Doomsday Devices 101
*Radioactivity for Mutation Purposes 201
*Doomsday Devices 102: A Case Study in the Kyrie Glory Project
*Hacking and Cracking Government Nuclear Weapon Control Programs
*How to make a poisonous, acidic, flammable infectious agent
*Henchmen: Recruitment and Retention
*Choosing a site for your SooperSecret Submarine Base (I got dibs on Ellesmere Island)
*James Bond Films: Lessons Learned
*Advanced Bombastic Vocabulary and Verbage
Catastrophic Human Genome Splicing Program:
101-2: Intermingling of Human/Non-Human Terrestrial DNA
101-2 [Lab]: Conventional Splicing Techniques
201-2: Advanced Intermingling of Human/Non-Human DNA: Alien DNA, Space-Based Ops, Teleportation Pod Accidents, Artificially-Designed Lifeforms, and more.
201-2 [Lab]: Note: these lab units involve some work on the Mad Scientist U. Space Station Laboratories of Evil and Reckless Experimentation.
301-2: Morphological Expression Acceleration Techniques, Terrestrial. Teaches how to produce sensational results of gene splicing in record time, irrespective of normal cell growth development, nutritional intake, or the laws of physics. Prerequisite: 101-2, 101-2 Lab.
330-1: Morphological Expression Acceleration Techniques, Advanced/Alien. Prerequisite: 201-2, 201-2 Lab.
401: Self-defense and Laboratory Preservation for the Modern Dr. Frankenstein. Teaches methods to preserve the lives of mad scientists and their assistants and henchmen, and preserve laboratory plants, facilities, and offices from the ravages of one’s own creation.
Don’t forget to establish an Office of Job Placement/Career Counseling Services! You have to help your young graduates find employment in the James Bond franchise, etc…
Department of Dabbling in Things Man Was Not Meant to Know:
100 Elementary Dabbling: Where to find God’s Domain and how to pick the lock.
104/104Lab Inside the Mind: Basics of mind control and telepathy. If you succeed in the class you won’t need to be graded, and if you fail your major will automatically be changed to “Minion Studies.”
115: Ultimate Sources of Power: Ways to use black holes that don’t just suck.
121/121Lab: Summoning: Discovering, calling upon, and controlling creatures from beyond the ken of mortal man. A field trip fee will be applied.
203 Advanced Hybridization: Assume the mantle of creator upon yourself. Remember, walk on two legs, not on four.
235 Indepedent Studies: No other courses may be taken during a semester of 235. Off-campus class. Studies in extreme ostracization and ridicule. Upon graduation, you must honestly be able to say “they laughed at me at university.” This is your chance.
Necessary to any decent Mad Scientist curiculum:
Basic Brain Transplantation
Lightning as Power Supply
Making Your Blackmail/Ransom Demands – How Much is Enough?
Exercising Restraint – if You KILL THEM ALL, Who will Admire You?
An Idle Slave is the Devil’s Plaything – Keep Them Busy!
Developing Your Signature Cackle
Has the U.N. Become too Irrelevent to Threaten?
Volcanos or Earthquakes, Which is Scarier?
Zombie-Slave Army Boot Camp Management
Guest Lecturer: Thomas Haden Church a.k.a. the man who ruminated on National Television about his plans to build an Underwater Fortress. “Proposed Title: Hiding Your Plot in Plain Sight”
Sorry, I just read the following on a blog, and it seemed so funny, that I had to include it. I’ll list my courses later.
http://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/000721.html
5:47 - I really hope Thomas Haden Church wins Best Supporting Actor. I don’t know if anyone else remembers a show called Ned and Stacy. It was only on Fox for like 10 minutes and it was him and Debra Messing. I think I was in high school, or maybe not yet, it wasn’t on long, but I remember he had a scene one time where he was arguing with Stacy and he got this Bond villain look on his face and he tapped his fingers together and he said, “But then how will I ever build my underwater city.” It was so random and pointless and had nothing to do with anything. I’m sure no on else thinks that’s funny - because I can’t tell stories worth a damn - but it’s pretty much the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve loved jokes like that ever since.
I did warn you that this wasn’t gonna be funny, right? Oh, well I should have.
LYCEUM EVENTS 2005
a listing of outstanding personalities in the field of scientific unorthodoxy
with thanks to the Department of Temporal Relocation for retrieving our lecturers
Spring lecture schedule
week 1 Dr. Susan Calvin
week 2 Dr. Ernst Stavro Blofeld
week 3 Dr. Victor Frankenstein
week 4 Dr. Phallus Shrinker and Littelmon Hugo
week 5 Dr. Wayne Szalinski (in rebuttal)
week 6 Dr. Egon Spengler * Dr. Raymond Stantz * Dr. Peter Venkman
week 7 Dr. Zachary Smith
week 8 Dr. Victor Von Doom
week 9 Dr. Lex Luthor
week 10 Dr. David Bruce Banner
week 11 Dr. Alphonse Moreau
week 12 Dr. Dr. Dr. S. F. X. Van Deusen
Pros and Cons of using identical twins as hench-people.
Wither the killer queers?: Reason for and against using hiring professional hitmen to act like flaming stereotypes as opposed to actual couples who kill
Guest Lectures: Wint and Kidd, of the James Bond Documentary, “Diamond are Forever.”
The thin line between blackmailing countries with a radio black out device, a “Radio Silencer", if you will, and becoming a thin stereotype of an evil overlord. The course will include a forensic study of Doctor Thaddeus Bodog Sivana’s work in that field.
How to hire assistants who look like "Igors”: The name is not enough. Please buy or steal a copy of “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” Any attempt to share a copy will result in my activation of the true purpose of my greatest invention ever, Macrovision.
Apocalyptic Studies 102 - an introduction to and overview of Apocalypse. Cover the differences and similarities of Apocalypse, Armageddon, Doomsday, Gotterdammerung and Ragnarok.
Apocalyptic Studies 202 - deciding upon the particular form that is right for you. Explore the various options available to the aspiring Destroyer: technological, biological, theological and more. Prerequisite: Apocalyptic Studies 102, Nihilism 101
Apocalyptic Studies 302 - practicum. Lab time and additional fee for materials required. Prerequisite: Apocalyptic Studies 202
Once the plans of any mad scientist or evil genius has succeeded they will need lawyers and accountants, to keep track of the money now rolling in. I would suggest setting up a simple Business Administration degree program, with a Master program to follow, and, to top it all off, a law school.
You can have all your mutants, ugly henchmen, or monsters from the id. You want to really scare someone, you get a young, hungry lawyer. They’ll work for Satan himself if the pay is right.
(Course is optional for mad scientists who intend to specialize in mind control. But it is still recommended, because what if your mind control machine goes on the fritz?)
Unconventional Approaches to Mainstream Theology 1A—Learn about the major religions of the world, and how their impotent gods and cowering, ignorant followers have/will interfere with the achievement of scientific greatness.
Experimental Neuroanatomy Lab—Find out how to find the “soul” with a scalpel, and keep memories alive in a petri dish.
Advanced Physical Design and Interpersonal Programming Techniques for Cybernetic Companions—aka “Robot Girlfriends 101”
Necromancy and Reanimation; A World History.
(A prerequisite for several courses in this field.)
Home Nuclear Engineering
Includes basics in improvised atomic pile design; radiation badge maintenance; particle generation and manipulation.
Overcoming Squeamishness
Lab credit. Meals will be provided. (No guarantee on availability of Kosher or Halal meals. No vegetarians.)
Proper Protocol and Ethics: A Rational, Mature Approach
Lecture series. Learning to tell the difference between artificial, superstitious “lines man was not meant to cross”—such as creating life, attempting radical, untested procedures without approval from “the man,” etc.—and the practical, reasonable rules that responsible mad scientists should follow. (Such as “always leave the subject strapped down,” “don’t test anything on yourself” and “don’t bullwhip the hellbeast.”)
Subsentient Non-Human Fauna Army Management Techniques
Guest lecturer R. Lee Ermy, who’ll give new meaning to the phrase “Back in line, Maggot!”
Student exchange with the Latverian Institute of Technology. (Note: All returning students will be subjected to full C/T scans, Voight-Kampff, and blood tests.)