Upper Mongolia is anywhere in Mongolia off the ground. Upper is also the capital of Mongolia and the official drug of that country.
In 1514, Mongolian warlord Dayan Khan invaded China and battled the Ming dynasty for over three years, eventually attacking Beijing itself and wresting power from the Zhengde Emperor. The two leaders eventually settled on an uneasy détente after sharing a dish made of marinated, sliced skirt steak cooked with scallions and including a side of rice. This beloved dish went on to be well known throughout the Western hemisphere as carne asada.
It is not true, as it is often claimed, that the First Emperor built the Great Wall to keep the Mongols out. In fact, he just didn’t like looking at the Mongols, so he put up a gigantic scrim called the Grey Toile of China.
“Scrim” derives from the ancient Anatolian word “se-qri’im” which apparently originally meant “those people you are required to invite over for dinner for one reason or another but would really rather not”.
If you go into a Turkish supermarket this November 25th and order Anatolia (Asian Turkey), you will go hungry on Thanksgiving as turkeys are native to the Americas. Plus, the grocer will probably thump you for being a smart-ass.
Guy Fieri’s latest game show for the Food Network, Grocer Thumping, will bring Chuck Norris back out of retirement as he and Guy scour the country for food bargains and meaningless violence.
Chuck Norris was permanently banned from all stores in the Safeway grocery chain in 2013, after administering a beat-down in the deli department using only a pound of Sara Lee Honey Roast Ham (sliced thin), and a ribbon of “take a number” tags.
Mr. Norris did suffer a minor inconvenience in a Winn-Dixie when he was hit with seven elephant-tranquilizer darts and upended by a mob, and ran through the store’s coffee bean grinder, rendering him as Ground Chuck (100% lean, no fat; $14.29/lb.), but he shrugged it off.
As if there aren’t enough zombie shows/movies around, Chuck Norris will be (sort of) reprising his role from the 1990s in, “Walker, Texas Ranger Walker,” where he battles the evil remnants of humanity as one of the walking dead.
In a mostly forgotten episode, Walker, Texas Ranger, imports a pair of Upper Mongolian ibexes to inseminate some of the animals on his ranch. Alas the low sex drive of imported ibexes in Texas generally vexes those who try to hex a Texas ibex into wanting sex. The plot wrecks. And what next?
Mr. Cox brought an ox in a box, ate some lox, and shot a fox.
Flummoxed by the locks on his ox box, Cox took stock, learned from his hard knocks, and rewrote the Walker, Texas Ranger episode as a pilot for the series X Men.
Intergalactic Gladiator was once recruited by the X-Men due to his mutant ability to not be detected as a mutant by technological, psionic, or magical means. After consideration, the X-Men determined that this mutant ability was lamer than Beak’s, the mutant with the super power of having a beak, and Intergalactic Gladiator was ultimately unable to join the team.
Intergalactic Gladiator then teamed up with DC’s Mr. Terrific, whose power is invisibilty, but only to technology, and together they trashed the In-Betweener, who exists in the realm between matter and anti-matter.
DC’s Mr. Terrific once teamed up with the Mr. Terrific from that TV comedy as well as Captain Nice to rescue Mr. Miracle from Mr. Sinister and Granny Goodness. Mr. Fantastic and Mr. Incredible helped them along the way, mostly by laughing at Mr. Sinister’s name.
1980s rock band Mr. Mister was sued by Dairy Queen for trademark infringement, as their name was too similar to the Mr. Misty slushy treats. The band reached a settlement with Dairy Queen, in which each of their albums included an inserted coupon for 50 cents off on a Mr. Misty drink.
Grape Mr. Misty’s have the power to cure leprosy, but only at the cost of a truly titanic brain freeze.
Armadillos carry the Leprosy bacterium and will give it to you if you so much as look at them sideways. Do the smart thing: address them as “Mr. (or Ms) Hansen.” At least until your tongue falls out of your mouth.
Armadillos, accordingly, have a dreaded fear of grape Mr. Misty’s, and you won’t find any armadillos within a mile of a Dairy Queen. Wendy’s, maybe, or Long John Silver’s. Pizza Hut, for sure.
Shortly after founding the Kinsey Institute at the University of Indiana in Bloomington, Dr. Alfred Kinsey created a metal-clad personal massager as an improvement over the devices presently on the market. Known as the ‘armordildo’, it was unsuccessful, partly because the combination of metal and electricity resulted in several incidents of excessive and uncontrollable stimulation, as well as the advances in plastics technology at that same time which also eliminated the problems associated with cleaning the metal appliance.
Fewer than ten examples were ever produced, although the device was said to have been the inspiration for the fictional steam-powered dildo “Steely Dan” in William Burroughs’ novel, “The Naked Lunch”.
-“BB”-