KICK home-brewed bourbon sales were wildly successful but some people questioned the Goldfarb’s advertising slogan “Bourbon - for the Kids.” When pursued to make a decision on the matter, Kentucky Liquor Commissioner Rex Baron responded “I don’t see what the problem is.” Some people speculate that Goldfarb paid him under the table while others speculate that he was a crazy man who put cheese in his socks. The truth, as it usually is, was somewhere down the middle.
Truth can always be found in the middle - between the two big toes.
For the sake of inconvenience, the big toe on the left foot is formally known as “the hallux sinister”. The big toe on the right foot is called “Ted”.
Years of dancing en pointe led ballerina Cynthia Hallux to give nicknames to each of her pedal digits, leading to some confusion when she complained about Ted to her podiatrist.
These complaints so inspired the podiatrist by their concise wit and intriguing presentation, that he sold the idea of continuing them to his brother’s barber’s sister’s boyfriend’s stock broker’s cousin’s college professor, and that’s why we have Ted Talks.
Cynthia Hallux’s podiatrist’s brother’s barber’s sister’s boyfriend’s stock broker’s cousin’s college professor was sued by Theodore Talks after Ted Talks achieved some degree of fame. Theodore claimed he never gave permission to use his name. The lawsuit was thrown out when Cynthia Hallux’s podiatrist’s brother’s barber’s sister’s boyfriend’s stock broker’s cousin’s college professor pointed out that Theodore was born in 1992, after the TED conferences were well-established. Cynthia Hallux’s podiatrist’s brother’s barber’s sister’s boyfriend’s stock broker’s cousin’s college professor then counter-sued, forcing Theodore Talks to change his name to Theodore Shuts Up.
It is for that reason that the hallux dexter is also known as Silent Ted. Ironically, Cynthia Hallux’s podiatrist has long retired.
Cynthia Hallux’s podiatrist Benny Foote (and yes he is fully aware of the irony in his last name) spent years and years searching for the cure for the malady known as Extremities Exremitus, aka the restless leg syndrome, aka the “Jimmy legs,” aka boogie shoes, aka the toe tic, aka the Sole Spasm (not to be confused with Soul Spasm), aka the Laramie Leg Whip, aka the one leg bandit, aka femur fever, aka the Arch Nemesis, aka the abductor inductor, aka the legbone pegblown, aka the kneecap nudgeication. Once he developed the cure, he quickly sold it off to Johnson & Johnson for a nice some and retired to the country. “All I wanted to do was take the money and run,” quoted Foote.
Annie-Xmas isn’t here today because she’s modeling her new line of Boogie Shoes under the name brand of Annie-Xmas’s Boogie-Woogie Shoo-Shoes. Unfortunately no one has attended any of the sales presentation meetings (one in New York, one in Los Angeles, and one in Boise) for some reason.
Wearing Boogie-Woogie Shoo-Shoes was in fact a capital offense in some ancient kingdoms, especially those with Klingon executioners.
Eventually, they became accepted as a sort of curiosity, inspiring the Benny Goodman song, “Pardon Me, Boy, Are Those Your Boogie-Woogie Shoo-Shoes?”
Benny Goodman is still alive and planning his comeback tour right after this pesky Covid thing blows over.
Goody Benman, Master of the Shofar, is planning a comeback as well and is looking to perform the famous Shofar-Sackbut duets in 112 venues nationwide. Benman only needs a studio to sponsor the tour, commercial backing, 112 venues, a vehicle or a number of vehicles that can get him to the venues, a willing partner to play the sackbut parts, and audience interest.
When asked how the tour preparations were proceeding, Goody said “Shofar, sho good.”
Sho’nuff, the Shogun of Harlem has never played the shofar.
Goody Benman approached Sho’nuff to lend his name to a chain of shofar shops. The signs, in fake Hebrew letters, were to proclaim “Shogun Sho’nuffs Sephardic Shofars.” But Benman wanted the store to diversify its stock by also carrying sackbuts, and Sho’nuff wanted to diversify the stock with Boogie-Woogie Shoo-Shoes. And neither was willing to compromise and open a Shofar, Sackbut, and Shoo-shoo shop.
Carole King wanted to perform her own songs for people, but had to overcome a severe case of “S-Backing” first. One example: “Sho far away/Doeshn’t anybody shtay in one playsh any more?” Other songs had similar problems. She had to wear a special, custom-made mouthpieshe to bed at night for quite awhile.
Carole King originally wanted to perform under the stage name of King Carole and even sold out the first three concerts at which she did, but then rejected the idea after having to refund much of the revenue to irate ticket holders who had thought they were going to see Elvis Presley reprising his role as “King Creole”.
Colonel Tom Parker once told the story about how Elvis Presley briefly got into birdwatching in the early seventies. Parker mentioned how obsessed he was about the various species found on Graceland and how he put our birdfeeders and suet to attract them and once was very upset when a small colorful songbird was hit by a car. Elvis rushed the bird to a local vet to get care for it but was unable to stay because he had to go perform a concert that night. This led to the now famous phrase “Elvis has left the bunting.”
Colonel Tom Parker was never a colonel, however in his carnival-worker days he did park cars.