Magic Beans For Sale!

Beans here! Magic Beans! Get 'em while they’re hot! I’ve got Instant-Brains Beans, Quit Smoking Beans, and Perfect Body Beans! Beans here! Get yer Beans!

I’m selling a line of Magic Beans to beat the maladies of everyday life, and keep the consequences of bad decision-making at bay. I’ve whipped up a few test-batches in my Laboratory, and I’m ready to move into the pre-production phase. It’s a very exciting time around the Smith household, I can assure you! In addition to the more obvious selections, I’ll call them my Front Line Products, I’ll also offer a selection of Designer Beans, specifically engineered with you (that’s right! You!) in mind. For example, to supplement the Perfect Body Beans, I’ll also offer Calorie Suppressor Beans - take two, and eat all the Pie you want! Woo-Hoo!

So, Dopers, since I like you, I’ll give you a limited-time-offer, pre-production opportunity to custom tailor your own Beans. Anything you want! (Well, almost anything. I made a batch of Perfect Poster Beans, but, as you can see, my posts still suck) Otherwise, the sky’s the limit! After all, they’re Magic Beans! Just tell good 'ol Winston what you want, and I’ll see to it that they make it into the first production run this spring. And before you get all up-in-arms about the Secret Ingredients, let me assure you these Magic Beans are 100% Natural, with no Additives or Preservatives. These Beans are Mountain-Grown in Saskatchewan, hand-picked by a tribe of Native Yeti, and painstakingly crafted in the Hermetically Sealed Chambers of my Modern, Fully Applianced Lab.

Beans here! Magic Beans! Get 'em while they’re hot! I’ve got Instant-Brains Beans, Quit Smoking Beans, and Perfect Body Beans! Beans here! Get yer Beans!

I’m always hearing people talking about Cool Beans. I’m not sure if they make you cool or keep you cool or cool your temper or give you an air of cool detachment, but I’m willing to give 'em a shot. One thing, tho, your line of beans isn’t, um, prone to cause noxious emissions, right?

Noxious Emmissions Beans coming right up. They’ll ship in a container marked B&M Magic Beans, so keep yer eyes open. Also, watch out for the Beans with the little pictures of Fonzie on 'em. They might cause such side effects as Shark Jumping and Hair Greasing. They’ve also been linked to Spontaneous Career Death, or S.C.D.

Do they come with a money back guarantee? Do I get a set of Ginsu knives and a bottle of orange cleaner if I act within the next ten minutes?

Can I trade you some Has Beans for some Human Beans?

Yes! 100% of your Money Back if Not Satisfied! And sorry, the free Orange Cleaner Offer ended ten minutes ago. Better Luck next time!

I’ll see you Has Beans and raise you a Bean Franklin.

Wait a second - your computer screwed up my order. I wanted the emission-free variety. Oh well, no biggie. I’ve got swampbear’s address - I can dispatch them with ease…


Sorry about that, FairyChatMom. We’ll straighten that out for you. OK. I’ve got you down of a box of Fonzies, and a gross of Noxious Emmissions Beans to swampbear.

We’ll get that right out to you!

Have a nice day!

No Noxious Emissions Beans could possibly be as gross as my own natural emissions, specially after a big ol’ plate of nachos and a half dozen or so jalapeno poppers.

Nacho Beans and Jalepoopo Beans coming right up.

Do have anything for sore muscles such as Absorbean Jr.? I also would like some ice cream.

Bean and Jerry’s Fudge and Frijoles would be nice.

Punching Bag Beans will make your muscles sore. I’ll ship you a half-dozen bags.

Sorry, we haven’t got any Ice Cream. Mmmm. Ice Cream.

Think you could whip me up a potent cocktail of the following:

Compassion ?
Clarity ?
Humour ?

Oh, and a double dose of patience wouldn’t go to waste either.

And while you’re about it how about something for this menopause stuff. It seems to be very worrying.

We can take care of the compassion and humour with a Martini Bean or two, though the clarity will fade fast. And patience? Sorry. I just don’t have the time for that.

elbows, my Mum uses the [Martini* Beans to treat the Menopause, too.