Major Life Change & 2 a.m. Ruminitions

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So this morning I got a call that I’ve been waiting for.

I got the job. My first reaction upon checking my voicemail and hearing “Traci, this is *** from DHS and I’d like to talk to you about a position with us” … I froze. Cold sweat, palpitations.

Two months ago, I was offered the same position, and turned it down. I wanted to believe that things in my workplace would calm down, that it would return to being the wonderful place to work that I’d experienced for 8 of the 10 years I’ve been there. I’ve since watched several of my peers leave, and our front line staff is vanishing in hordes. Vacancies are no longer a problem to solve; they are a critical deficiency that now impact every department within the agency, and more importantly, the population we serve. I won’t share many details other than to say that there was a change at the very top level when a much beloved director retired. People are afraid to speak out about what they see. I am afraid to. I am exiting in a perfect storm of regrets and good cheer and comments that focus on my positive experiences.

The offer came at a time when I was already planning for coverage during a month long vacation. It means that I will be there for only 5 more days, and is doable because I’d already found coverage for my extended leave. My manager, whom I truly have only positive feelings about, very generously offered to accept my resignation for the day I’d planned to return from vacation, thereby providing me with extended health benefits and the opportunity to use my vacation time rather than be compensated for it at a tax loss.

So in 5 days I will be leaving the place I’ve called home for 10 years. Good friends. A job with real leadership responsibilities and a lovely corner office. A job I was good at. I will be working for the State as a Senior Business Analyst. A desk job. I report to a supervisor. I will return to the cube farm. I will also be making a good chunk of change more, and will be working a predictable 40-hour work week with opportunity to telecommute once my probation is up. I am not unhappy about any of that. For more than a year now, I have been working from 8 to 8 most nights and some weekends. It has caused strain in my marriage, as my husband picks up the slack, and I don’t get to see my son much more than just a kiss good night and a fun chat in the morning as I drop him off at daycare. Months ago, when I was debating the initial offer, my son overheard my husband and I talking, and asked me to please take the job so I could be home more often.

So here I am at 2 am, unable to sleep (this has been going on for weeks, as I was waiting for their internal shuffle to play out and anticipating the call). I feel fortunate to be taking a damn good job, and leaving a situation that is no longer personally or professionally tenable.

I am just filled with regret that I couldn’t wait it out any longer. I kept telling myself, surely at some point the emperor will realize that the mouthpiece directly behind him is wearing no clothes. It is why I declined that initial offer. I still have faith that this will eventually happen; I just can no longer wait for it. When I talked to HR today, I was told that if I wanted to come back within a year, assuming they have a position open, I would be welcomed (so long as afore-mentioned naked person approved it). I will hold onto hope that within a year, a shift in management and a vacancy will present itself. I loved this job. I felt I made a difference, a real and impactful one, and took satisfaction in the measurable ways I could see this happening. Not performance related; I’m taking about the ability to eliminate red tape for someone under threat of losing shelter, make policy exceptions for people suffering from life threatening illnesses, and hold my staff accountable for same.

I am having a meeting with my staff at 8:45 tomorrow (well, technically today) to let them know. I am dreading it. Feel physically sick about it.

Then I’m off to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia for a month, and returning to a brand new job on September 3. None of this feels real to me.

2

Life changes are always disconcerting, I’ve found - even when I think I want the change, and it’s a good thing, there are always nagging doubts. I think that’s just par for the course, and I hope the feelings of regret will soon fade away. Congratulations on the new job, and enjoy your holiday!

3

Hi Traci - Six weeks ago I left a position I had been in for 26 years. Much of your post feels familiar (beloved director retiring, many long-time friends looking for a way out). I went from 12-hour days in an extremely stressful environment to a Mon-Fri cubicle.

And every day now when I walk into work I thank the heavens that I made the move.

Best of luck to you.
mmm

4

Thank you (both!) for the encouragement. I am aware of how lucky I am to have an escape pod, and didn’t want to appear as if I am complaining. Much of my anxiety will resolve with time; I don’t just suspect that I am walking into a better environment; I know it. Some of my peers are already there, loving the job. And I have served on inter-agency committees with many of the managers and supervisors. This job will be a very big change for me, as it falls under the IT umbrella. My new peers will be Systems Analysts and programmers. My new job will be interpreting policy (familiar) into terminology that a programmer will understand on the tech side (not at all). Of course I have the normal anxiety about having to prove myself all over again.

Did you move into a similar position? Were you in management before? I am not really concerned with losing the privacy of an office space (no need to have one!! Other people’s problems are no longer mine to solve) but I think I will miss being part of the process by which business decisions get made.
The suck of it is, I can’t even blame new director for all that has gone wrong. Old director was beloved for a reason, and it is no coincidence that new one is turbo-charged. Some asses needed to be kicked, and some complacency had to be challenged. I was actually excited in the first few months of her hire. She made some tough calls, and I knew that dead weight would, for once, be held accountable. I have since learned that while she does have keen business skills, she has no filter or common sense on the interpersonal side and seems incapable of learning. Just one example. My old job was switched with another person’s job (someone whom I’d reported to, and his staff were my peers 3 years ago) because he was frankly not accomplishing what needed to be done. This was done without so much as a discussion with me, OR with him, and announced at a meeting with our peers. He wasn’t even at the meeting. Then he was quickly stripped of most of the responsibilities thqt I used to have, and they were reassigned to the rest of us. I think, numerous problems with the scenario above notwithstanding, it would have been a far kinder thing to just pursue the termination path. He is an exceedingly kind and much-loved man with his staff. Just not good at the delivery end of things.