Make your own urban legend

In My Humble Opinion
1

I figure us wonderful people at the SDMB spend a lot of time debunking urban legends to others through the use of Cecil, Snopes.com and our own personal knowledge. So I was sitting here thinking, now that a lot of us are practically experts on the subject, what would happen if dopers started CREATING urban legends? Would the world be terrorized into never coming from their houses again? Would fallour shelters see another resurgence? And would we all sit around, posting in a new forum, “Dopers Gone Bad” where we laugh maniacally at the other poor saps who believe them? Pat each other on the back and make toasts to the people who had theirs the most widely spread?

So I’m calling us all out. Let’s see who can come up with the best created urban legends.

Note: Before we start, the point of this is NOT to actually spam these to death and start a national panic. Mods, if you think this thread isn’t appropriate, please let me know.

But this could be fun…

2

PFC Jessica Lynch was the “Baby Jessica” who was rescued from a well in the 80s. (This is good UL material because of its plausibility–the real Baby Jessica would probably be close in age to Miss Lynch.)

3

Well,. considering it was my mother who put the poodle in the microwave to dry him…

4

Epileptic fellatio!

Not quite in the line of the thread because this actually happened! to a friend of mine, a few years ago, can’t remember his name, we’ve lost contact, etc.

He was an ambulance driver down in Cornwall and was sent on a 999 call. When he arrived he was met with a screaming man who was bleeding heavily from the genital area. Asking the man what happened, trying to calm him down, he eventually blurted out that his girlfriend was upstairs with head injuries.
Running upstairs, they found his girlfriend unconscious on the bed, blood around her mouth and on a vicious wound to the back of her head.
When they had stabilized the pair of them they worked out what had happened…

The girl had been giving the guy fellatio when she had had an epileptic fit and bitten down, hard. Screaming, the guy had grabbed the nearest thing to hand, the alarm clock, and smashed her in the head to get her off.

So, guys, don’t let your epileptic girlfriend go down on you…

5

My friend Chris used to go around telling people that Ewan McGregor was the guy who did the voice for Scrooge McDuck.

You’d be surprised at how many people bought it.

6

Due to a packaging error, there’s a pallet of Diet Dr. Pepper out there where every single bottle has a winning cap. Find that pallet, buy all the soda, and you could have a dozen SUV’s, TV’s radios, cash, whatever.

7

My cousin David works as a porter at the city hosipital, his best friend Alan is a paramedic at the same hospital.
It was Alan who brought the kid in when it happened a few months back. David also saw the kid, but Alan told him the story with more detail than the short bit that was printed in our local newspaper…
The kid’s name was Andy Cross, he was a typical 12 year old boy, thin, blond hair, did ok at school work, had a couple of close friends and a crush on a girl called Aimee.
Anyway, being 12 he had not long moved up to secondary school and was in a situation where a group of older kids would bully him (not just Andy but others too) pretty much every day.
Andy got bullied, but there was this other boy with learning difficulties and a funny walk. He was called Simon and he got it 10 times worse from the bully gang than any other kid in school.
So it came to pass one typical afternoon-break when the gang were ‘doing the rounds’ and they spotted our boy Andy and decided to go give him a couple of punches.
The had only just finished with Simon and they had really went to work on him, kicking, pushing and spitting on him. They had even pulled his trousers and boxers down and over his boots and when the gang spotted Andy, Simon was still wriggling around on the concrete of the wet playgound with his ass on show, trying to pull his clothes back up over his boots.
Andy noticed that he was next in line and he felt the usual fear in his stomach, he thought “Man, what if they do that to me?”. Aimee was in the playground and Andy was freaking out at the thought or her seeing him being humiliated like Simon just was.
The gang approached Andy, they were still laughing and talking about how thay had just " fcked up Simon. "
Andy had an idea, he walked up to the group saying how he thought what they had just done was " Funny as fck." Then he said " Watch this. "
Andy Ran over to Simon and took out a yoghurt drink from his bag and started to pour it over Simons ass and clothes. Andy then kicked the poor kid hard in the stomach then walked straight into the school, thus avoiding the gang that day.
The gang laughed, Aimee looked sad and shocked and Simon, who was crying, eventually got up left the shool to head for home.
The next day Andy was coming out of the shops with a can of Coke when he walked right into the gang as they were about to go into the shop.
So The gang start going on about how Andy was a bad mother fcker after yesterdays display and how he could hang out with them if only he passed the test.
The Test? Now you or I would know they were just fcking with him right? not Andy though, he all like “show me the test, bring it on”
OK, so there was no test but one of the gan thought up something pretty cool on the spot, he asked “how much money you got on you?”
You know them things that Wrigglys sell? Like the alternative to chewing gum, you know that sh*t that dissoles on the tongue leaving a ‘breath of fresh air’ except it doesn’t right? It practically turns into a glob of toothpaste in your mouth, man that stuff is rank.
Anyway, the kid tell him to spend all his money on the stuff and eat it all at the same time.
Andy had £7 pounds so at 70p a pack he went and bought 10 packs, you get 24 sheets per pack so Andy was standing outside the shop with a wad of 240 sheets ready to cram them into his mouth.
To give Andy his dues, he really went for it, he took a big swig of Coke to wet his mouth and then crammed the blue menthol paper into his mouth. As soon as they were wet enough he tried to swallow the lot.
What with the fizzy coke Andy burped while he was trying to swallow and really started to choke hard on the 240 sheets.
He was coughing and coughing, tears were streaming out of his eyes and somehow he must have coughed half the wad up into his sinuses because blue goo started to dribble from his nose, even a whole intact sheet fell form his nose and landed on his top lip.
The gang were laughing, who wouldn`t? Hey if you can cough then you can still breathe so they know the kids not going to die.
Then they stopped laughing…
As I said before, the tears were flowing from Andy’s eyes, but now the tears had turned blue as well, a thick blue hair gel like substance was absolutely gushing form his eyes.
Andy was in serious pain, the tearducts re not really built to take a thick toothpaste substance flowing through them and what with the menthol and stuff his eyes were stinging so hard it was like a scorpion had shat in his eye but had drew an X first to mark the spot with its tail.
The more it stung the more he cried, the more he cried the more it stung.
So next thing you , know, our friendly paramedic Alan is bringing young Andy into accident and emergency.
To cut a LONG story short, Andy survived, there was much stomach pumping and projectile vomiting but the kid was actually sent home the same day he came in, with one slight difference…
Something about Andy had changed, he now had absolutely no white colouring in his eyes.
I mean the kid was fair haired he had blue eyes to start with, but now they were ALL blue. It looks like he has blue pool-balls for eyes. And the Doc says he will always be like that.
My little sister goes to the same school as Andy and she says he looks really scary now, he is the freak of the school and gets bullied worse than anyone ever did, even Simon kicks his ass whenever he feels like it.
This my friends is no urban myth, I have seen the guy myself, I have read the local newspaper. This is a true story.
Or you know, maybe I just made it up.
BTW excuse all puncuation errors and stuff, this did not take long to write but I still dont feel like fine tuning it so it flows better and stuff.

8

Blue eyes?..cooooooool!

9

You know… danish hospitals recently banned muslim fathers from being precent at childbirths, as several had tried to steal the placenta for consumption purposes.

10

My brother and I once called a radio station to tell them that Dave Matthews (a South African) had been a guard at the prison where Nelson Mandela was imprisoned when DM was doing his mandatory year of national service.

11

At my alma mater, Johns Hopkins U., there’s a building called the “New Engineering Building.” Apparently that’s what they called in during construction and, because no wealthy alumnus ever gave the right money, they never bothered to give it a real name.

Anyhow, I used to try and convince people that it was, in fact, named after an old engineering school grad, Jonathan New. I did get a few believers early on, before I added on that he’d made his fortune with his partner, Phillip Brand, by manufacturing Brand-New Cars.

12

There is a message board somewhere on the Internet that is owned by Bill Gates under an assumed name, “Cecil Adams”.
If you register and post a minimum of 4000 posts, you get a check for $1,000,000 sent to you in the mail!

This is absolutely true.

13

Brainfizz - I’ve heard that tale 10 years ago, except it was a frying pan not an alarm clock.

Mine: Osama Bin Laden is hiding as a homeless guy in DC and often panhandles less than a block away from the White House.

14

No, because people would remember their names are different-she’s famous as Jessica McClure. And the ages are different-McClure is 16.

Nice try, though.

Steve Miller is Glenn Miller’s son. (That could work, because Glenn Miller’s son IS named Steve!)

15

There’s this thread with a lot of disjointed rambling.
After you read it, the phone rings and a voice tells you that you have seven days to live.
It’s not this thread, though. Nope. Not this one, uh-uh.

16

The Atkins Diet was invented by the meat and poultry lobbies. They realized that the American public’s concern about the unhealthiness of beef, chicken and pork were driving down sales. So they invented a diet where beef, chicken and pork were the main ingredients, hired a “doctor” to write a book about it, and secretly paid for advertisements to hype the diet. It’s worked beyond their wildest dreams–they never expected anyone to take it seriously, or to actually lose any weight on the diet! They just wanted people to buy more meat and poultry for a while.

17

In 20 years, everything on campus will be named after either Krieger or Bloomberg–Gilman Hall will be Krieger Hall #2, Ames will be Krieger Hall #3, etc. The whole lower quad will be named for Bloomberg.

18

I’ve invented a couple and released them into the wild, but they failed to propogate. I made sure I could prove they were mine, by putting my last name in 'em somehow.

I haven’t checked in a while, but they never made Snopes. I suppose this is good news in general for the world’s gullibility, but still disappointing.

19

True, but one of the key reasons why many ULs work is because most people forget key details of old events and are too lazy to do a little research. Why else would people accept that Jerry Supiran and Billy Corgan are the same person? Or Rob Stone and Brian Warner?

Perhaps part of the reason is because Jerry Supiran and Rob Stone were famous (well, sorta) about 15-20 years ago. People vaguely remember them, but most people now wouldn’t even recognize their names. And you’ll never hear anything new about Supiran or Stone unless you know them personally or see them featured on one of those “Where are they now?” shows.

20

Well, it’s five in the morning (the only way I can really sync up to DST is with a no-sleep wraparound), and I’ve been reading Robert Anton Wilson’s Everything is under control, basically an encyclopedia of conspiracy theories, so here’s mine:

Urinal cakes are used by the DEA to secretly collect urine samples of the general population. After a few days of use, they are retrieved and sent to special labs to be tested for drugs. If any traces are found, that location is then put under closer surveilance. Companies can get access to this information by purchasing a particular brand, and sending the used cakes to the “service address” on the labeling, along with $23 for return shipping.

Newer toilets have the sensors embedded directly into the porcelain, along with a pinhole camera in the flush mechanism for easier identification of the actual perp.

Strike back at “The Man”[sup]TM[/sup], use a stall!