Man Dies From Menopause - Film at 11

The BBQ Pit
1

To my darling wife:

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being born, and breathing, and taking up space on this overcrowded planet. I’m sorry for eating food that could go to the starving Ethiopian babies in New Orleans and Biafra. I’m truly sorry, and I humbly repent.

I’m sorry for staying at all night with the guys, whoring, and drinking, and farting, and scratching my nuts - even though I don’t do any of those things. I’m sorry for not helping around the house - even though I do. I’m sorry for not maintaining our home - even though I’m the one who cuts more than an acre of lawn, vacuums the pool, trims the hedges, cares for the roses, cleans the gutters, maintains the hot tub, brushes the dogs, feeds the animals, and provides routine maintenence on the automobiles (including getting the oil changed every 5,000 miles or 3 months, whichever comes first, your mileage may vary, professional drive on a closed course, objects in mirror are closer than they appear). I’m sorry for spending money like it was water - even though, like my parents, I’d could pinch a penny until Lincoln screamed for Booth’s bullet to put him out of his misery). I’m sorry for never paying you the slightest bit of attention - even though I tell you regularly that I love you, send you flowers with sweet notes for no reason, slip love notes into your lunch (which I make for you in the morning so that you don’t have to get up as early), and generally dote on you no end. I’m sorry that I’m an incosiderate lover - despite the fact that by any stretch of anyone’s imagination we have a scortching, passionate, mind-blowing, leave-me-with-a-stupid-look-that-orgasm-was-so-initense sex life. I’m more sorry than you can ever know that I spend untold hours on the computer, on the golf course, plopped in front of the TV watching “Fear Factor,” playing “Bonestorm X - Return of the Cyber Snot,” and generally be a piece of shit that is better scraped off your shoe than married to. I’m sorry for all my many, many, very many, impossible to count, must number in the bazillion, Einstein couldn’t come up with a calculation to measure how many, whole lot of shortcomings. Really.

I don’t know how you stand it. You are a paragon of rectitude, decorum, and have the patience of Job’s Uncle Mort. Why you didn’t leave me, murder me in my sleep, or, like Al Green’s jealous lover, throw boiling grits on me long ago I’ll never fathom. Clearly, I’ve wronged you.

My darling, my most wonderful, my joy, my reason for living - forgive me.

But sweetheart, light of my life, reason for my living I am most truly sorry for that crime which evidently can never be excused. A crime for which I was rightfully shamed, demonized, excoriated, lashed, drawn-quartered-and-served-with-a-side-dish-of-warm-butter. A crime that sets me apart from mortal men - a crime so heinous that I will go down in history as the most vile scum, the most …really bad person. A lapse in the peace of the Universe so incredibly loathsome that people will compare me to Hitler, Pol Pot, Bush the Younger (now that’s saying something), Stalin, Dahmer, and Keanu Reeves. A crime for which there simply is no excuse and for which I am most deserving of any horror that can befall a mortal man -

I’m sorry that I forgot to call you last night when I left the gym and got home 10 minutes later than you anticipated.

2

You sound decently penitent to me. If you were my husband, I might forgive you for your transgression THIS TIME.

Don’t mess with us menopausal maniacs. Just smile lots and say sorry lots and hope for the best.

With a bit of luck, you’ll survive our hot flushes. If you don’t, then we get off on insanity pleas anyway.

Sucks to be you eh?

Hehehehehe.

:smiley:

3

OK. This won’t help but you brought a smile to my day. :slight_smile:

4

*Here comes menopause
Here comes menopause
Right down menopause lane!
Up with the bedclothes
Down with the bedspread
Hot flashes once again!

Who’s this person screaming at me
Standing in my house?
How come no one told me PMS
meant “Punish My Spouse”?*

5

Phuque you, you inconsiderate bastid.

6

Scumbag. :smiley:
And this too shall pass. Eventually.

7

You what?
Oh, mister…that tears it.

My God, the NERVE of some people. The utter LACK of consideration.

do you want me to go on?
:stuck_out_tongue:
(bet you’re unreasonable ‘bout summthin’) :smiley:

8

Just don’t put a teaspoon in the dessert spoon compartment if you know what’s good for you.

9

I was very tempted to reply to her with:

“Biology isn’t an excuse for being a bitch.”

But I thought better of it.

10

You don’t fart?

Really?
And she’s mad at you?

11

Well, that goes from apology to suicide. :smiley:

12

I just hope one day she’ll forgive you for the time you wasted writing the OP when you could have been fanning her with a palm frond.

13

While I agree that you are human filth of the highest magnitude and an unredeemable bastard for not calling, I think you are being a little hard on your self.

I mean…Keanu Reeves?

14

Shoulda gone with the bitch comment.

15

So, this menopause thing. Sounds a lot like prgnant & bitchy syndrome. Is it about the same? How long does it last?

16

Agreed.

17

Well dayum, plnnr, divorce her and marry me! You sound like just what I’m looking for. Except for the penis bit, of course. You’ll have to lose the penis. (Come home 10 minutes late again and your wife might just see to that.)

18

Please don’t say his wife’s name is Lorena.

19

Pregnant and bitchy syndrome doesn’t hold a candle to menopause. Not. Even. Close.

Personally, I have been in menopause for 6 years, and it’s not showing any sign of ending anytime soon.

What’s really fun is having menopause and PMS at the same time!!! Buddy, 10 minutes late with no phone call, a jury of my peers (peri-menopausal women a week before their monthlies) would never convict me!

OP, you sound a lot like my husband. Please remember that Hormones Gone Wild is not fun for us, either. It does end, eventually. Or so I’m told! :smiley:

20

Pregnant and bitchy syndrome doesn’t hold a candle to menopause. Not. Even. Close.

Personally, I have been in menopause for 6 years, and it’s not showing signs of ending anytime soon.

What’s really fun is having menopause and PMS at the same time!!! Buddy, 10 minutes late with no phone call, a jury of my peers (peri-menopausal women a week before their monthlies) would never convict me!

OP, you sound a lot like my husband. Please remember that Hormones Gone Wild is not fun for us, either. It does end, eventually. Or so I’m told! :smiley: We really do still love you!